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What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

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Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#101

Post by idiotsecant »

SoftTalker wrote: post #65
scionthefly wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visit…

> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you. That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow o…

>I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks.

As someone who fights this same urge, you should know that this makes you appear as closed off and cold to people that you have no intention of being closed off and cold to.

You do this (I suspect) out of a deep seated fear of vulnerability. People pick up on the lack of vulnerability and will not see it as a virtue, but instead will see it as a kind of 'untrustworthiness' if that makes sense? The social contract is that you make yourself a bit vulnerable to other people as a show of trust, they make themselves a bit vulnerable back, and then you have a bond.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#102

Post by themihai »

ransom1538 wrote: post #88
scionthefly wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visit…

My friend: "I can't pay my rent." Me: "Whats your venmo". 4 minutes later.... My friend: "wtf I can't pay this back" Me: "Good i don't do loans" Put in the cash or effort. When you help someone down, they never forget.

>> When you help someone down, they never forget.

That's just wishful thinking. Most of the times they "forget" or somehow think you have had enough money so that wasn't a big effort.

That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#103

Post by ghaff »

funklute wrote: post #99
seanc wrote: post #89

Sitting someone down and walking them through your own experience without judgement or expectation is always appreciated. I was laid off many times during the Optical Winter of 2001-2006 and developed a system for dealing with it. Handing someone the system and saying "You should do these things" is less helpful than telling the story of "The first time I got laid off I did a, b, c. The second time I had learned my l…

> the Optical Winter of 2001-2006 I have never heard of this, and google doesn't return anything useful... what does this refer to?

I've never heard that term but I assume it refers to the carnage around fiber/optical/etc. investments around that period. Companies like Cisco and Intel had massive writedowns for investments they made.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#104

Post by notRobot »

wentin wrote: post #74
fayalargeau wrote: post #8

> “Hey, I heard about the news. I don’t have the right words and please don’t feel obligated to reply. Just know that if I can do something, big or small, now or in the future, I’m just a text away.” i like this

I don't like it personally. I feel it is exaggerated, especially the part "I don't have the right words" I would feel awkward if I were on the receiving end — I lost my job, not someone died. Maybe it is just me, I get awkward easily, for context. It highly depends on the context. Are they 20-something single person working on a high-pay job, or someone older with a family to support and struggling? The response need…

There are no universally applicable "right words" for this (or many other situations), so sometimes "I do have the right words" are the right words because they do a good job at conveying the speaker's intent (of showing that they care and are there to help).

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#105

Post by GrinningFool »

ransom1538 wrote: post #88
scionthefly wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visit…

My friend: "I can't pay my rent." Me: "Whats your venmo". 4 minutes later.... My friend: "wtf I can't pay this back" Me: "Good i don't do loans" Put in the cash or effort. When you help someone down, they never forget.

> When you help someone down, they never forget.

Does that matter?

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#106

Post by AnotherGoodName »

whydoyoucare wrote: post #28
fayalargeau wrote: post #8

> “Hey, I heard about the news. I don’t have the right words and please don’t feel obligated to reply. Just know that if I can do something, big or small, now or in the future, I’m just a text away.” i like this

"...a phone call away" for cultures and ages that prefer speaking to texting. :-)

"Hey you up for meeting for a coffee this weekend?" works too.

It's also more concrete and proactive than telling them they can talk to you. The coffee chat situation allows more open conversation too.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#109

Post by tssva »

themihai wrote: post #102
ransom1538 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My friend: "I can't pay my rent." Me: "Whats your venmo". 4 minutes later.... My friend: "wtf I can't pay this back" Me: "Good i don't do loans" Put in the cash or effort. When you help someone down, they never forget.

>> When you help someone down, they never forget. That's just wishful thinking. Most of the times they "forget" or somehow think you have had enough money so that wasn't a big effort. That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal.

> That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal.

Not all reward is external.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#110

Post by ghaff »

time_to_smile wrote: post #39
sneak wrote: post #24

Why is being laid off being compared to the grief related to the death of a parent? Why would there be any grief from a layoff? It’s just a job. Anyone in mourning because they have to job hunt probably has some bigger issues that aren’t going to be helped in any way by what friends do or do not say.

There are a variety of reasons: "It's just a job" is a nice idea, but since it's something I do 8 hours a day 5 days a week I try to make it something I enjoy. I enjoy meeting with my coworkers each day, and like the projects I'm doing. I also probably care the least about my job of most of the people I know. For some of my FAANG friends working at a FAANG has been a life long dream. Sure it's easy to say "work shoul…

>A lot of people got wiped out and never returned to the high times of the late dotcom period.

I don't think (and hope) things will get to dotcom levels which--you're right--led to a lot of people exiting the industry, especially if they had skills that were fairly transferrable to other types of jobs. Personally, I was extremely lucky when I got laid off to quickly land a lower-paying but otherwise better role and the company (barely) made it through post-2001. Certainly, it was otherwise pretty much crickets otherwise looking for another position and that was the norm.

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