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It's later than you think

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Re: It's later than you think

#101
post #49
post #7

I think we need to care about our parent too. As they become old, we are just fly away from them and they will struggle in their stage as us. Damn life.

I think those who like their parents do already. I think those who don't like their parents don't need to. It's the parents' job to be a person worth loving and caring for. It isn't the child's burden.

Exactly this. I have divorced parents who each remarried.

I have a mother who makes so much effort to make sure she stays in our lives. Calling/Facetiming every week at minimum. And she has visited at least once or twice a year the past five years. And we visit at least once a year if possible.

By contrast, I have a father who has literally done nothing to try to visit us in five years. It was always us making the effort, taking time and money away from ourselves, for them. And we got very little in return. We have been given very little respect by them despite showering them with undeserved respect. Every time we visit, it's like they're acting out their own Seinfeld episode -- literally worth nothing except waiting for the next opportune moment to be sarcastic "gotcha" asshats.

Some people would say, one shouldn't look for a return, that it should be all about giving. Those people must never have been burned in their lives. For me, reciprocation is the bedrock of a relationship. Any relationship. It doesn't have to always be equitable, but time and effort must be shown. Otherwise, I'm out.

Re: It's later than you think

#102
Heartbreaking to read and every parent's worst nightmare. Life has become so fast and everyone works too much these days. Growing up in India, I remember my parents (who had challenging jobs as a math prof and doctor) still spent all evening and all weekends with us and my one surviving grandparent also lived with us. Cousins came by every week and there was so much family around. Now, here we are with all this money in a giant house in this expensive place, working 60-70 hours a week and I wonder if I'm doing right by my kids. Need to spend more time with them..

Re: It's later than you think

#103
post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Definitely, make sure there's just "time". Everyone I've spoken to who has a real quality relationship with their kids has reiterated quantity is better than "quality". Don't fall into the trap of thinking that making it to the odd piano recital is the same as being there every day for dinner. As the piece sadly reminds us, that calendar invite might be scheduled too late.

Yeah this "quality time" trope is often just a justification for not being there very often.

You become a manager of your kids, not a parent. The quantity time is when you’re there to emotionally engage with them. If you only show up during quality time, you’re teaching them that it’s only during big moments that life matters.

Re: It's later than you think

#104

If the author is reading this, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the devastation you must have felt and must continue to feel. It's important that you take care of yourself though. As someone who works in mental health, I've seen how these events sometimes have a way of affecting your mental state in a gradual and cascading manner. Please stay cognizant of you and your family's mental health in this difficu…

I'm divorced, with one young boy that I split time with my ex. Were this to happen to me, I am really not sure a mental health professional could help. This quote FTA may have just changed my life: "I’m guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids? If there’s any lesson to take away from this, it’s to remind others (and myself) not…

I was logging on here to call out that quote specifically. My kids are both in college now, and we're empty nesters for the first time as of a week ago.

My advice to all of you with young kids is to follow that advice. Schedule 1:1 time with each of your kids, and make it more important than your most important meeting at work.

Re: It's later than you think

#106

I took a step back in my career to work from home, and bring my kids to the kindergarten with my bike some days, and take a late lunch and eat their "dinner" with them, and it has been totally, totally worth-it. Remote work being a set-back is possibly a side-effect of how I selected my new gig, but it has suited me so well, I don't care about the (temporary) career stagnation. Beautiful story, I felt it hard.

Same here, except I quit completely to stay home with our two kids. The decision was easy. One day when I was working remotely from home, the nanny rushed in carrying my 6 month old daughter. She was completely unresponsive, having her first of many febrile seizures. Eyes rolled back, body limp. We called 911. By the time they arrived she had mostly recovered, crying, but could respond to us. I quit a few months late…

As a Foreign Reader, it really pains me to read that there exists parents in other countries (maybe mostly USA?) that worry about whether their kid will one day become a School-Shooter. :(

Re: It's later than you think

#107

Remember that performative workaholism is poison to life. Every time you put in more hours over the weekend "just because", dial in to a meeting on your vacation, or get on Slack at 10 PM "just to check a few things" - you're shifting the culture to make it that much more acceptable to demand it of everyone. The parents in your meetings that run until 7:30 bitterly hate you. It might seem OK when you're single, child…

What bothers me about this attitude is that it totally ignores the rewards for working hard for at least part of your life, and it also relies on the idea that everyone subscribe to the same theory, which makes those pushing it suspicious in their motivations.

"You shouldn't work hard because if you do, it makes me look bad and I don't want to look bad or work hard."

Some people have lives and the capacity optimized towards working many long hours. You can't tell us to stop, it's not fair.

Re: It's later than you think

#108
Crying as I read this. I can't imagine. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss. As a new father, hits home hard. Nothing is more important in life than your family and friends.

As a new father, things like SUDEP and SIDS are terrifying. I hope one day technology will improve, so we'll have fitness bands or smart cameras or smart mattresses that can detect these rare events and report back data so we can understand them, and hopefully at some point, intervene and prevent them. Sharing your story will hopefully inspire people to keep working on this kind of thing, so hopefully it might help save some other child in the future.

Re: It's later than you think

#109
I thought it was about my favorite poem [0], but it turned out to be even more heartbreaking.

> Lastly, you who read; aye, you

>Who this very line may scan:

>Think of all you planned to do ...

>Have you done the best you can?

>See! the tavern lights are low;

>Black’s the night, and how you shrink!

>God! and is it time to go?

>Ah! the clock is always slow;

>It is later than you think;

>Sadly later than you think;

>Far, far later than you think.

[0] https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46651/it-is-later-tha...

Re: It's later than you think

#110
post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same here, except I quit completely to stay home with our two kids. The decision was easy. One day when I was working remotely from home, the nanny rushed in carrying my 6 month old daughter. She was completely unresponsive, having her first of many febrile seizures. Eyes rolled back, body limp. We called 911. By the time they arrived she had mostly recovered, crying, but could respond to us. I quit a few months late…

As a Foreign Reader, it really pains me to read that there exists parents in other countries (maybe mostly USA?) that worry about whether their kid will one day become a School-Shooter. :(

Don't worry, your kid could be the next hitler or stalin!

Sorry for the gallows humor...not sorry.

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