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The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

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Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#11

Post by creaktive »

Vampiero wrote: post #2

Well too bad ADHD makes me a fast thinker that talks over everyone else and writes code at 6x speed, but only sometimes, when I'm not procrastinating for hours at a time and when I'm not too mentally drained to engage with other people. It makes me an extrovert at work, but only sometimes, and a great team player, but only sometimes. These blog posts feel so dumb to me because they always assume that you're a neuroty…

Was going to write approximately this, thanks for beating me to it. Just a bit of sparkling from my own (mostly miserable) experience: the disdain for “normies” comes from them, “normies”, forcing a square peg (me, atypical) into a round hole. There’s zero intention for accommodating for the differences. Predictably, as a result you get an extremely antisocial introvert. But guess what! If you just LEAVE ME BE, respect my silence and self-isolation… I will reach out and try to connect, on my own terms. Usually, by written text, since I don’t parse voices well, and don’t read facial expressions at all.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#12

Post by drowsspa »

delichon wrote: post #8
Vampiero wrote: post #2

Well too bad ADHD makes me a fast thinker that talks over everyone else and writes code at 6x speed, but only sometimes, when I'm not procrastinating for hours at a time and when I'm not too mentally drained to engage with other people. It makes me an extrovert at work, but only sometimes, and a great team player, but only sometimes. These blog posts feel so dumb to me because they always assume that you're a neuroty…

I was a fat little kid with a skinny friend who told me the secret to losing weight (which he had never had the need to do): just don't eat so much. He was not gas lighting me in any way. He was just communicating his internal experience that this thing that I found tremendously difficult was in fact trivially easy and I just had to try it. He wasn't lying, just telling me his truth which happened to be false. Don't…

I'd attribute malice when this advice comes from supposedly grown-ups.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#13

Post by kubb »

It’s quite treacherous to identify yourself with labels: introvert, extrovert, conscientious, conservative, liberal, empathetic, neurodivergent, etc.

The act of putting a name on some traits that you have can seem liberating: I finally know what I am, and why I’m different from others, and that’s fine.

On the flipside, once you commit to a label, you lock yourself inside it, and instead of describing, it begins shaping what you are.

It doesn’t help that other people often try very hard to pin us down and assign labels to us forcefully, without considering if we’re OK with that.

The trick is to describe your behavior and separate that from yourself. Instead of being an introvert you can just say that my behavior was introverted, and that was a function of my internal psychological state.

Also, be open to experimenting with what affects that state, and reflect on it. That will remind you that you’re not a constant, you’re a function :)

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#14

Post by reedf1 »

These labels are quite obviously overused. Like most social characteristics, there is a spectrum. I can, and have, gone without seeing another person for months - and I've barely noticed. Now, I go into work five times a week. I do think I come off as odd to people; but I don't mind, I'm not proud of it, but I'm not embarrassed by it either. I am what I am. Earlier in life I put great effort into being "normal" socially, but with great effort also came enormous stress.

I've not struggled with work or partners. There are lots of people who don't seem to mind the occasional oddity or silence in a group. Although, I do occasionally run into some self-righteous lot who try to "fix" me; but I find this condescending. There are lots of ways to be a person, and I am truly fulfilled with the way I am. Most friction this has ever caused is by someone wanting me to be some other way, usually theirs.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#16

Post by erinaceousjones »

zenethian wrote: post #5

This is a terrible article that reads like an AI generated LinkedIn post. Nevermind the fact that the author isn't using the terms introvert and extrovert correctly; the message is quite ableist. Not everyone can achieve this level of communication in a productive manner. Telling people that management will "prefer" one over the other when it's "budget time" is also dead wrong. I've fired more extroverts than introve…

I think you have good points in your middle paragraph, but I disagree with your first sentence. I can see a growing trend of dismissive "this reads like it's AI-generated" when I frankly think it has been written like that. Author has a similar tone to me. That's my writing style.

> Not everyone can achieve this level of communication in a productive manner.

Correct, and it sucks. I feel like it's ableist at times too. 9-to-5 days of small-talk are so strangely exhausting t me. It's very frustrating I feel it's a mandatory part of my career if I don't want to be forgotten about.

But? I don't disagree with the author. In my interpretation, they aren't saying "I'm an extrovert and I'm great", they're saying "hey, this is a thing you can choose to do or be, and you may find it benefits you, and the introvert/extrovert thing is a stupid distinction, but being extrovert in the right way is a means of making yourself visible".

Because, let's face it, it is. There is some entrenched ableism, in a way. Last I checked like 10-20% of western population is some form of neurodiverse and a proportion of that just do not click with the predominant communication styles used by the majority population. It sucks and we are left feeling like we are not accommodated for and can easily fall into that exhausted feeling of resentment.

But? So what? You can help make things incrementally better for yourself in the system whilst still "playing the game", if you consider it as something you are choosing to expend your energy on.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#17

Post by zenethian »

impoppy wrote: post #15

[flagged]

I love talking to people. Unfortunately it's exhausting for me. I have no such attitude about it being a "waste [of] mental energy." I don't know any introverts that do.

I would recommend taking a deep breath and just consider for a second that some people are just different than you.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#18

Post by jasdi »

Try framing it in terms of what you Need from people. Avoiding using "should" so much. It will help you become conscious of what your needs are. Confusing your needs with others needs is also a trap.

We can only talk in terms of our Needs and why those needs are important to us. Anything else sounds like passing judgement and the reaction will be negative.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#19

Post by reedf1 »

impoppy wrote: post #15

[flagged]

I love to waste mental energy on having a good time - chess, puzzles, board games, crosswords, programming. But spending time with people isn't like that. Talking to a group of people I half-know is like someone has slipped a hobby-knife under my fingernail and is slowly extending it. I can feasibly have a good conversation, or even notionally a good time; but it's hard to ignore the knife.

Re: The trap of "I am not an extrovert"

#20

Post by erinaceousjones »

mnky9800n wrote: post #7
Vampiero wrote: post #2

Well too bad ADHD makes me a fast thinker that talks over everyone else and writes code at 6x speed, but only sometimes, when I'm not procrastinating for hours at a time and when I'm not too mentally drained to engage with other people. It makes me an extrovert at work, but only sometimes, and a great team player, but only sometimes. These blog posts feel so dumb to me because they always assume that you're a neuroty…

Can’t imagine this attitude makes work easier for you nor does it make working with you easier. People keep making these “I’m on the spectrum” arguments as if it’s a legitimate excuse for bad behaviour. Perhaps life is more difficult for you in some ways. Life isn’t fair, learning to accept this is much more rewarding than hiding behind some spectrum definition. ADHD doesn’t make you do anything. You choose your life…

What, in the post you are replying to, would you consider "bad behaviour"? Seriously, give us some examples!
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