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Dont Explain Yourself

erikvancraddock.com

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Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#11

Post by omginternets »

rpdillon wrote: post #9
omginternets wrote: post #7

Other commenters are brushing this advice aside on the grounds that it’s isn’t universally applicable. But, if we accept that it requires some discernment, I think it’s pretty sound, particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative. I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

It conflates exposing your reasoning with being open to debate. I can perfectly well state my decision, make it clear that it's final, while also explaining it. This, for example, is exactly how courts work. I agree with some others here: this advice is not useful often enough to go unqualified. It may make sense to frame it more in terms of "In situations where there the person is unknown and the communication is un…

Hmm… the bit about how explanations invite insistence jives with my experience. Not offering an explanation (again, in the appropriate context) has worked astonishingly well for me, personally.

Like you, I suspect that 99% of my daily interactions would be degraded if I applied this rule. However, the remaining 1% happen to cause the most pain, and it’s precisely here that the articles advice rings true.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#12

Post by 1MachineElf »

This is good advice in the same vein as the multiple-times-submitted "You can't tell people anything (2004)"[0][1][2][3]. The crux of the issue is that people prefer their own understanding of the world over someone else's. As with the examples given in this article, each person took the opportunity to further develop in their mind their own idea about the situation whilst disregarding the author's reality. This is human nature. You see it in "You can't tell people anything" where the software team really just thought about what the Chip tried to explain to them in their own way, heavily steered by their own very different understanding of things. Outside of these examples, my experience is that an exceptionally small amount of people are really willing to listen. When it seems that many people are listening, I'd argue that it's their own preconceptions that pave the way for the message. If their preconceptions aren't in line with the message, then you get into the situation the author describes. In those cases, just saying No really is more efficient.

[0] http://habitatchronicles.com/2004/04/you-cant-tell-people-an...

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=23617188

[2] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17384703

[3] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28775517

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#14

Post by [deleted] »

version_five wrote: post #4

I agree in many situations. In many kinds of discussion (debate, sales, other persuasion), people are asking you to elaborate so they can tell you why you are wrong. In sales it's called "objection handling" and it's something salespeople learn and practice. If you believe you are in such a discussion, explaining is just providing a larger attack surface. In good faith discussions, where you and your discussion partn…

[deleted]

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#15

Post by HWR_14 »

version_five wrote: post #4

I agree in many situations. In many kinds of discussion (debate, sales, other persuasion), people are asking you to elaborate so they can tell you why you are wrong. In sales it's called "objection handling" and it's something salespeople learn and practice. If you believe you are in such a discussion, explaining is just providing a larger attack surface. In good faith discussions, where you and your discussion partn…

> If you believe you are in such a discussion, explaining is just providing a larger attack surface.

Only if you lie about your objection. Otherwise, maybe it can get overcome and you can engage in a win-win transaction. That is, it's not in red, it costs too much and it's not available delivered Thursday are all problems that may be solveable.

Now, if you invent a problem for something you aren't interested in at all, that's an issue.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#16

Post by ruffrey »

torstenvl wrote: post #5

This is terrible advice. Woe unto anyone who extrapolates from telemarketer interactions to their relationships with their kids . Especially when the extrapolated practice is not to offer explanations for your thinking. That's how you end up raising a human who is conditioned to accept "because I said so" as valid in their intimate relationships.

It really is awful advice for relationships.

The advice has strategic advantage in limited situations.

Hiding your decision making from others robs you of the opportunity to learn from others. If your decision is on such weak footing it can’t hold up the the scrutiny of friends and family then perhaps it should be questioned.

If the person doing the questioning is not tending toward appreciative understanding, then avoiding discussion makes sense.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#17

Post by r_hoods_ghost »

Wow, this is bad advice for any time you're in a hierarchical relationship. Try this with your boss

- I'm not going to do the thing that you asked me to do.

- Why?

- I don't explain my decisions as a matter of principle!

- You're fired.

Similarly if you take this tack with your children or employees you give up any hope of teaching them reasoning abilities or giving them wider context they need to not ask you for things you can't give in future. Ultimately they are likely to come to the conclusion that you are a petty tyrant whose decisions are arbitrary and simply bypass and/or despise you.

Sure, you don't owe the telemarketer an explanation, and you may not owe your relative, but there's a huge class of relationships where not giving explanations is just damaging to you and the people around you.

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#19

Post by lostlogin »

omginternets wrote: post #7

Other commenters are brushing this advice aside on the grounds that it’s isn’t universally applicable. But, if we accept that it requires some discernment, I think it’s pretty sound, particularly in cases where it’s important to be authoritative. I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

> I’m reminded of the English crown’s unofficial motto: “don’t complain; don’t explain”.

Was this explained to to current royals, it’s hilarious?

Re: Dont Explain Yourself

#20

Post by t8sr »

To quote the philosopher Costanza: “we live in a society!” Not letting people know what you’re thinking is good advice if you’re in the mafia, not if you’re trying to raise a child or work at a company.

After reading this article, I sincerely hope I never encounter the author in any kind of professional or personal setting. His view of humanity is borderline psychotic.

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