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How to Escape Loneliness

whatsonyourmind.substack.com

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Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#11

Post by eddywebs »

pm90 wrote: post #5
Zababa wrote: post #2

It's weird how everything in this article seems true and logical, but at the same time it rings hollow and I feel like the author is missing an important point. From experience, for some people it will be hard to connect to most people, and thus you'll end up more lonely than usual most of the time. If at the same time you're a good listener and generous with your time, it can get exhausting to have lots of one-sided…

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

How does one become a good listener ?

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#12

Post by munificent »

e40 wrote: post #9
pm90 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absolutely, being a lonely person that’s also a good listener is just the worst. You expect people to show at least some percentage of the interest that you have in their life (by listening to them). But my experience has been that the vast majority of people don’t listen at all. Note that listening != hearing.

I saw this in The Three-Body Problem : > Everyone likes to reminisce, but no one wants to listen, and everyone feels annoyed when someone else tells a story. That quote really resonated with me, as I realized how true it was for my interactions in the last few months.

> for my interactions in the last few months.

I read something on Twitter about the pandemic that really stuck with me:

Everyone needs more than anyone else has to give right now.

If that quote resonates with you all the time, then there may be a deeper problem at play. But right now, yeah, we're all feeling pretty tapped out.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#13

Post by powersnail »

> A whopping 46% of Americans report feeling sometimes or always alone.

Well, I always thought that I feel lonely because I'm a foreigner in US. It seems like the culture itself at least contributes partly.

There is a bizarre phenomenon that I don't understand about socializing in US: outside of specialized hobby groups or clubs, people don't do stuff when they are together. They just "hang out" around grills and pizzas. And it's not because of the lack of opportunities. If you are really good friends, you might go to watch a sports game or play sports together. If you are in a hiking hobbyist group, you might go hiking. But among general acquaintances, all participatory activities seem to disappear.

Whereas in China, you have the choice of KTV, escape rooms, cards, and all sorts of group recreational activities.

Of course, it could be that I'm hanging around the wrong crowd here in the US. My anecdotal experience certainly doesn't cover a lot of population.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#14

Post by Xplune13 »

Zababa wrote: post #2

It's weird how everything in this article seems true and logical, but at the same time it rings hollow and I feel like the author is missing an important point. From experience, for some people it will be hard to connect to most people, and thus you'll end up more lonely than usual most of the time. If at the same time you're a good listener and generous with your time, it can get exhausting to have lots of one-sided…

I cannot agree more with your last sentence. Even if the relationships aren't one sided, the feeling that they are is the worst and an enemy of action, so much so that the inaction becomes part of who you are and you start to take things in "it is what it is" without trying to communicate with others (speaking from experience).

I love to be alone but hate to be lonely, and I haven't found a balance of "what am I supposed to do" yet.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#15

Post by jdavis703 »

powersnail wrote: post #13

> A whopping 46% of Americans report feeling sometimes or always alone. Well, I always thought that I feel lonely because I'm a foreigner in US. It seems like the culture itself at least contributes partly. There is a bizarre phenomenon that I don't understand about socializing in US: outside of specialized hobby groups or clubs, people don't do stuff when they are together. They just "hang out" around grills and piz…

These are definitely the people you’re hanging out with. I would say outside of parties/partying most socializing is activity-based, at least in my personal experience.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#16

Post by jdavis703 »

black_13 wrote: post #6
sneak wrote: post #4

The American lifestyle is engineered specifically to fit a style that, whether intentional or not, promotes deep and debilitating loneliness. You have to deliberately live in a very abnormal way to avoid it. Most Americans have very little contact with strangers outside of their workplace. It's a real tragedy.

I spent 3 weeks in Germany a country not know for talkative or friendly people and I had more real and friendly conversations with others than three years in here in the US.

Ditto. At least in Berlin people will even let their neighbors in for parties, which seemed crazy to me as an American. I could never imagine opening my door and letting random folks come in my home.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#17

Post by sneak »

jdavis703 wrote: post #16
black_13 wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I spent 3 weeks in Germany a country not know for talkative or friendly people and I had more real and friendly conversations with others than three years in here in the US.

Ditto. At least in Berlin people will even let their neighbors in for parties, which seemed crazy to me as an American. I could never imagine opening my door and letting random folks come in my home.

In Berlin it's a lot more likely that your neighbor is someone you'd want to party with, too.

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#19

Post by [deleted] »

powersnail wrote: post #13

> A whopping 46% of Americans report feeling sometimes or always alone. Well, I always thought that I feel lonely because I'm a foreigner in US. It seems like the culture itself at least contributes partly. There is a bizarre phenomenon that I don't understand about socializing in US: outside of specialized hobby groups or clubs, people don't do stuff when they are together. They just "hang out" around grills and piz…

[deleted]

Re: How to Escape Loneliness

#20

Post by frenchy »

powersnail wrote: post #13

> A whopping 46% of Americans report feeling sometimes or always alone. Well, I always thought that I feel lonely because I'm a foreigner in US. It seems like the culture itself at least contributes partly. There is a bizarre phenomenon that I don't understand about socializing in US: outside of specialized hobby groups or clubs, people don't do stuff when they are together. They just "hang out" around grills and piz…

I'm not sure why you were downvoted, but your experience (or anyone's really) is going to be pretty idiocyncratic.

America is a big place (China is too!) and there are a lot of distinct sub-cultures. There absolutely is karaoke, escape rooms, cards, and all sorts of recreational activities in the US, and these wouldn't exist if nobody did them. In my experience these sort of things are mostly done by people 25 and under.

To be fair, watching television is a big part of American culture. Eating food is a big part of every culture I'm familiar with.

Also, I'd be suprised 46% of the population feeling lonely at least sometimes wasn't very normal in most highly urban and mobile societies.

Edit: accidentally slaughtered a few words

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