Ask HN: How's your drinking problem?

I have literally never felt better than I do right now. It took a month or two before I saw the effects, but damn were they dramatic. Literally every facet of my life improved. All depression, anxiety, and ADHD disappeared. I get way more done and I'm just way happier.

I don't intend on going back to my old lifestyle. I don't regret my old lifestyle either. Good times were had. But the bad effects certainly outweighed the good.

Post-college, many of the people I knew just sort of grew out of it. Stopped getting drunk every weekend, and only drank a beer or two with a meal, or only with special meals/moments. But because I became an expat/freelancer/traveler, I kind of maintained a bar-centered, beer-centered life, and naturally ended up with friends who were the same.

It never occurred to me that this might not be 'normal' for everyone. The dynamics behind this are fascinating, but not so relevant at this point. Suffice it to say that most drinkers overestimate how much 'most people' drink.

All this was not a problem until it suddenly was. At some point I'd started drinking to relieve stress, or deal with depressive episodes, and one day I 'woke up' and realized that I'd been drinking to the point of 'being drunk' almost every single day. This was particularly shocking to me because I studied psychology and always had a fascination with addiction. So I knew about the dynamics. I was high-functioning, and doing pretty well all in all, but I didn't feel comfortable knowing that I had a 'dependency'.

It took me a full two years to actually properly get things under control again. There were four things that I believe were crucial:

1. I realized that simply thinking I might have a problematic relationship with alcohol was enough reason to treat it as one, and at the very least 'test' whether I had one. I now believe that if you're not entirely happy with your drinking habits, then that should be enough reason to try and remove that habit for a while, since there are no real downsides to sobriety, and there are definite downsides to drinking regularly. 2. I started frequenting /r/stopdrinking subreddit and #stopdrinking chat room. 3. I found for my 'down-time' drinking periods and drinking social circles: I started meditating and diving into zen buddhism, I started reading and actively doing things again that I knew made me happy in the past (without pulling significant energy and willpower, like programming does[1]), and I took time off from my drinking friends. Meditation was perhaps one of the most important things, all in all. 4. I actively looked into sources of unhappiness and stress, and did my utmost to cut them out or minimize the negative effects.

[1]: interestingly, while my 'craving' for getting drunk is almost entirely gone these days, one of the few times that I feel the pull is when get caught up in a programming project. After spending hours doing that, sometimes forgetting to eat or take a break, it's like my mind is exhausted beyond a healthy point. I'm starting to think my active coding life played a big role in my alcohol dependency issues.

Mine is a very common and uninteresting story. It is not even a cautionary tale, but I'll write it anyway to remind myself of the choices that I made and why I made them, because I think it will help me and because maybe it will help somebody else.

I used to drink when I partied with my friends, mostly on weekends and vacations. I kept it like this for almost 12 years.

5 years ago I started living with my girlfriend and drinking frequently with her and when we met our relatives; then I started to drink alone from time to time when my girlfriend was not around; then I started to get drunk every night because it helped me unwind, numb myself, forget about all my problems, release stress and fall asleep after 11-12 straight hours in front of the screen trying to meet deadlines. I had perfectly adjusted the amount of alcohol that wouldn't get me hung over or impact my performance the next day at work so I wouldn't get in trouble, and wouldn't drink a drop less nor a drop more. I even managed to stuck to that amount most weekends in order to avoid building up tolerance, and because I hated wasting my free time suffering from hang overs. I went like this for more than a year. Then I broke up with my 5-year girlfriend after a few months of maintaining a long distance relationship and realizing our life goals were not compatible any more.

I decided to stop drinking because I knew without her I'd soon find myself overdoing it (even more). I thought it wasn't going to be an easy choice to maintain, feeling depressed most of the time and still feeling at the lowest point of my life so far with not much hope of it getting much better; but, surprisingly, feeling bad about myself has been very helpful: I got drunk with about half a bottle of wine 5 times in the last 3 months (I am a little guy), only 3 of those alone, and that was all the drinking I have done since.

I do not believe in a higher power, self labeling yourself an alcoholic and get a chronic disease diagnose from anything other than a doctor, a specialized one, with enough data to produce an informed diagnostic. I don't think I can talk or think myself out of alcoholism; only action and persistence can help. I find motivation in all the things I love to do and in all the people I love and I love spending my time with. I even find motivation in my dull work because I have plenty of room and opportunity to improve and get better conditions.

I respect the 12 step program and its effectiveness as a generic solution for a significant number of people dealing with addiction. It is probably the best there is right now, but it doesn't work for everyone, not even the majority of people. I think I have a basic understanding on how addiction works and how it works differently on different kinds of people. I knew that I was in a very dangerous track of self destruction and I decided not to let the situation escalate any more when I was still in control. It took no effort at all, just the proper motivation and realizing I was only going to find misery and self hatred at the end of that road. I know I may find myself in the same situation again, and that I might not be able to get out so easily next time, if there is one. I do enjoy drinking, and I enjoy drinking alone to take the edge off; but right now I feel pretty confident about my self-discipline, and there are enough safe ways to find the comfort and relaxation I need that work for me. Healthy and non dangerous ways that make me feel better about myself instead of the opposite. I do believe in moderation and a reasonable amount of self control, and I am committed to drink even less than what I am drinking now. Like I wrote, mine is a very common story that I hope will have a common ending too, but a good one: "And he kept the drinking social and moderated, and never again used it as a crouch". Or, perhaps: "And he stopped drinking, and nobody batted an eye".

TL;DR: The drinking is not the problem, is the addiction you need to avoid. Even if you are not an addict or are in the first stages towards heavy addiction, drinking is easily replaceable with many things that can improve your life and how you feel about yourself. Do not procrastinate that decision. It is not tomorrow. It is not after the next drink, or this one. It is now. Keeping the drinking social and with moderation or not doing it at all, combined with a slight effort to find healthier enjoyable activities to occupy yourself with is a very good thing to do for yourself and to give as a present to your future self for enduring the consequences of all the mistakes you are going to keep making.

And that's my story, at least up to this point. I haven't talked to anybody about it, I know it is a drag to read or hear people talking about boring stuff like this. But still, it feels good to let it out in the open.