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Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
11–20 of 27 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#12Our company - Xiamen Finehope Polyurethane Co., Ltd devoted in promoting widely usage of polyurethane since 2002. During the past 12 years, we had worked with many prestigious companies.
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Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#13Do you read Dan Savage? http://www.thestranger.com/columns/savage-love Your new city probably has a gay counseling phone line. If it doesn't, you need to move somewhere that does. You're the reason volunteers spend their time on those phones, so call them. They're gay, and they know where gay people hang out in your part of the world. > Has anyone else found themselves in this situation? How did you get out of it? By…
> For one thing, closeted guys in their late 20s aren't boyfriend material.
I also don't live with or have anything to do with my parents. I just meant to say that I don't know anyone personally who can help me figure out why I'm so bad at this.
Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#14Work on cultivating your interest in other people - literally make an effort to figure people out, what makes them tick, how they became who they are or did something they find interesting. You'll have to make an effort to start small talk conversations but don't put pressure on yourself for them to blossom into friendships, that's something that happens but itself later on - and I'm sure it will happen. People like…
Our company - Xiamen Finehope Polyurethane Co., Ltd devoted in promoting widely usage of polyurethane since 2002. During the past 12 years, we had worked with many prestigious companies.
http://www.polyurethanesupplierschina.com/
Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#15Do you read Dan Savage? http://www.thestranger.com/columns/savage-love Your new city probably has a gay counseling phone line. If it doesn't, you need to move somewhere that does. You're the reason volunteers spend their time on those phones, so call them. They're gay, and they know where gay people hang out in your part of the world. > Has anyone else found themselves in this situation? How did you get out of it? By…
> For one thing, closeted guys in their late 20s aren't boyfriend material. I also don't live with or have anything to do with my parents. I just meant to say that I don't know anyone personally who can help me figure out why I'm so bad at this.
Hmm ... that sounds a bit grim. Tell me the city and I'll look up the phone number. That's not identifying information: there are lots of gay men everywhere.
Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#16Earlier quoted context omitted.
> For one thing, closeted guys in their late 20s aren't boyfriend material. I also don't live with or have anything to do with my parents. I just meant to say that I don't know anyone personally who can help me figure out why I'm so bad at this.
Hmm ... that sounds a bit grim. Tell me the city and I'll look up the phone number. That's not identifying information: there are lots of gay men everywhere.
Orlando, FL.
Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#17It sounds like you want a relationship and you're not doing anything about it that works to get one. There's currently no technology that lessens the fundamental barrier to meeting new people: fear. Online dating, singles events, subculture meetups -- if you see them as a guarantee of some people meeting you, they're snake oil. If you see them as what they are, just opportunities for you to overcome your fear of meet…
> It sounds like you want a relationship and you're not doing anything about it that works to get one. Yeah, but since I have no experience (and no one to talk to -- parents don't know I'm gay, for example), I don't know what works. > I bet, after you get into a relationship and you reflect on all the times you hung out with other people, you'll gradually realise there were plenty that liked you, and you just didn't…
Maybe one of the things in your way is how comfortable you are with who you are. If you're not openly looking for a relationship, how do you expect to find one?
I get that you just want to be accepted. As attractive an idea as that is -- it's an imposter. The only one whose acceptance or approval matters for you, is yours.
Anyone who doesn't accept you as who you are doesn't see you or isn't worth your attention. Anyone who does is no substitute for you being at ease with yourself.
Attractiveness is a social construct. It's based on things you can control. Confidence. How comfortable you are with who you are. How freely and capably you can express how you feel. It has little to do with appearance -- as long as you pay attention to basics like hygiene. A few things make it easier to be comfortable with who you are, and if you don't have those things and you're still comfortable your victory being at ease with yourself is just more attractive than someone who had to travel a shorter distance to get that ease.
You can hack attractiveness.
Also taking those steps, which are really for you and not for your parents or anyone else, to prove to yourself that you're comfortable with who you are -- will likely make it easier for you to find people who see who you are. This has two sides: either you can choose I don't need to come out to anyone because I don't need their approval, or I will come out to someone because I don't need their approval.
They're both okay ways of being comfortable with yourself, and it's up to you which works for you.
You got to like yourself first. If you don't like it, Change it. If you do like it, stick up for it.
Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#18Earlier quoted context omitted.
Hmm ... that sounds a bit grim. Tell me the city and I'll look up the phone number. That's not identifying information: there are lots of gay men everywhere.
Orlando, FL.
This looks like a place to start: http://www.glbcc.org/index.html . Call them, or just walk in, and chat to the receptionist.
Think of it as like the moment when Harry Potter walks into Diagon Alley. Though it's almost certainly the other way round:
http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/the_book_club/features/19...
And remember, at the start of the story, being Harry Potter was pretty terrible. That changed fast.
Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#19It sounds like you want a relationship and you're not doing anything about it that works to get one. There's currently no technology that lessens the fundamental barrier to meeting new people: fear. Online dating, singles events, subculture meetups -- if you see them as a guarantee of some people meeting you, they're snake oil. If you see them as what they are, just opportunities for you to overcome your fear of meet…
> It sounds like you want a relationship and you're not doing anything about it that works to get one. Yeah, but since I have no experience (and no one to talk to -- parents don't know I'm gay, for example), I don't know what works. > I bet, after you get into a relationship and you reflect on all the times you hung out with other people, you'll gradually realise there were plenty that liked you, and you just didn't…
We know that you don't know what works, that's why you're asking. It's ok for you not to know, and it's ok for me to point out your not knowing is the reason you're not where you want to be, as opposed to pretending there's something inherently wrong with you. The thing in your way is that you don't know, not that you're inherently wrong, and you can improve what you don't know. Correct, you don't know because you don't have experience, and it's not a chicken and egg problem because experience is not "successful experience" experience is trying, and you can hack that by your willingness to try.
People who have a lot of experience, tried a lot of times. Gradually they get more effective, yet it's like training neural networks, everything works better with a LOT of data.
So get out there and get experience. Try, try talking, try asking people out, try being at ease, and you will learn what works for you.
I'm still learning. One hack I used when I was nervous to talk to someone was, I knew what I wanted to say and just too scared to say it, so I'd count to three in my head an force myself to say it. Literally like jumping into water, just force the air out my lungs and mouth to work. Once you're over that first utterance, it's easier. And the more times you practise that, the less hard it is to do. And even better, the more times you listen to your feelings about what you want to say, the more those feelings give you cool stuff to say, and the more clearly you know them.
So there's plenty you can do, the important thing is just to start.
Re: Ask HN: How to hack relationships if you're gay?
#20I'm single, gay, in Chicago, just hit my thirties, one very good relationship, a few shorter / smaller ones. I'm not great at dating, and I'm in a field that isn't exactly drenched in outgoing gay guys (academic computer science), but here are somethings that have been working well for me:
* Cooking. Not only is it a practical thing you can offer in a relationship, but its also a great way to meet someone. Invite three friends over for dinner, tell them to each bring a someone you don't know. Everyone meets a bunch of new people that likely aren't creeps (since they're at least a friend's friend), you can share something you're learning with them, and even if no one there is gay, they might know someone else who is.
* Join a club. Volunteering is a great thing for this, and volunteering in something you care about. In Chicago (where I live) we have a gay community center called the Center on Halsted. They know that lots of the people volunteering are doing so to meet friends / romantic partners / etc. So there are lots and lots of volunteer opportunities for lots of interests (safe sex promotion, working with the elderly, working with gay homeless youth, etc.)
* Work less. On one hand I know where you're coming from when you say there are too many demands on your time. But on the other hand, what you're also saying is that "all the demands on your time you're accepting are more important than your romantic life." Straight up refuse to work two nights a week and join a gay running club, find a meet up or two that you're sincerely interested in and can become a regular at, etc.
* Get more comfortable saying no. This was the hardest thing for me. I was crazy lonely for a long time, and so whenever I went on a date, I felt like saying "thanks, but I don't feel a connection" was tantamount to saying "thanks, but I'd rather be alone forever." And since I felt I couldn't say no to someone once I started dating them, I didn't say yes to anyone either (since one date felt like it "implied" 100). Surprisingly, feeling less anxious, feeling more comfortable saying no, made it a whole lot easier to say "yes" and try out lots of new possible relationships.
* Therapy? This has been huge for me, not for any particular trauma or issue, but just in a million small ways. I just saw below you saying something like "being gay sucks, especially if you want a monogamous relationship". I'm of course (totally possibly wrongly) reading myself into your comment, so take this with a mega grain of salt, but that sounds like the result of some inner struggle / insecurity stuff, maybe around sexuality. I had that attitude for a long time at least, and thats were it was coming from for me.
Anyway, shit, just wrote a book by accident. Shoot me a message if you wanna talk more man. Guess reading your comment reminded me of myself a lot…