Goodbye?

As you can see from this thread, many people here have struggled and made it through, and you aren't alone. Please listen to them. Please also find someone specific to talk to. I'd be happy to do that, if you want; write hn@ycombinator.com and I'll send you my personal email and we can discuss whatever you want. But please talk to someone. Help exists and it really is possible to heal, despite what inner torment tells you.

Listen to some of the people that are reaching out here.

Sometimes I've felt like I've had crossroad moments for a major part of my life, stuck with deep paralyzing fears because of stupid things I've done.

Find someone to talk to, preferably a professional that will let you talk it out without it spilling into your personal life (guilt about burdening my family and friends was a major impediment in getting help).

Even though it allowed me to cope and have a professional life, one of the worst things I ever did was to learn to hide how hurt I was. Talk to someone about what you think are the consequences, the worst aspects. Let yourself cry and feel stupid, it's alright. That crap builds up inside you and no matter what, you don't deserve it.

And if necessary, consider getting some medical help as well. I have been on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications ever since I found my father dying from a brain hemorrhage and I couldn't get him to help quickly enough to save him. That event broke me, but I had been building the tension inside for decades. The drugs don't really fix things for me, but they have helped with some of the debilitating physiological aspects, take help from any corner that you can.

"Don't do it" and "Call a suicide hotline" have both been said. Good advice on both counts.

In my experience, everyone who said "Don't do it" is in a better position than I was in. A person with a problem will eventually solve it, or not. A fundamentally flawed person will have only have more problems, generally of the same type, again and again, forever. It's easy to confuse one situation for the other. Most people are not deeply flawed, they're normal people who are temporarily overwhelmed by normal problems. Anything they say to you probably won't resonate. Advice from those who have plenty always has to be filtered through a lens of "easy for you to say".

The only honest thing that can be said in this situation is to evaluate your life with clear and unbiased perspective. Are you a normal person who is going through rough times, or are you the kind of person that, for whatever reason, genuinely has no hope? The latter group is very small and if you're in it, you'll have known it for a long time. Odds are that you're better off than the truly forlorn, and you don't need me to tell you that because you already know it. Count your blessings and try to picture a better life.

I'm sorry if my candor offends some people, but life is too short and we're too smart for platitudes. I hope that you get through this.

Tim Ferriss' practical thoughts on suicide: http://fourhourworkweek.com/2015/05/06/how-to-commit-suicide...

One way to rephrase this is... why commit to a one-time decision when you might be able to run away and never look back? -- reinvent oneself in a new land.

Few legal constructs cannot be run from. Few legal arrangements cannot be undone. For those that cannot... run!

... just considering this possibility is often enough to give you the strength to keep fighting through whatever current situation or struggle you find yourself in.