Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband • Hacker News Board

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#221

Post by tomjen3 » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 6:25 PM UTC

littletimmy wrote: post #53

AndrewKemendo wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can't explain it now that I have a child and family and have lost people very close to me. As I posted to someone below you, I am married and have three kids. I have also lost a lot of my friends - I am an Iraq war veteran and was in the Air Force from 2003 until last Feb. All of that has led me to my conclusion because I see what is left after these people have gone away - and largely it's...nothing. Once their fr…

To first approximation, there are almost no people who would have a "grand legacy" that could extend centuries. How many do you know from 1850? Eventually, no one will remember you, and that is true even if you are the most successful person on earth. The urge to have a legacy is a manifestation of the fear of death, and is primarily an exercise of ego. It does not have to overtake one's life.

There are lots and lots of people with a legacy, granted few of them may be mentioned on a day to day basis, but when the talk falls on specific topics that is another matter.

For one Lincoln was around that time, so was a host of others that are famous.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#222

Post by Dewie3 » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 6:26 PM UTC

gutnor wrote: post #146

Dewie3 wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> What are the things that—on your deathbed—you expect to regret? What does it matter? Let's say the deathbed will last seven days. That's nothing compared to the rest of your life (let's say ~70 years). Why would you guide your life according to a projection of what you will feel in a mere seven days of your whole life? Why not ask more immediate questions: is anything I do right now, day to day , that I could do di…

I guess what you say is actually what that means. Not a literal deathbed realization. There is no end-game, there is no winning, no failure, no goals in life except what you put in it. The only thing that will decide if you are worthy or not is yourself. Yourself today and yourself tomorrow up to the day you die. Financial gain is a dangerous goal in life because it very often has a very poor ROI. On the other hand,…

> I guess what you say is actually what that means. Not a literal deathbed realization.

Then why not just say that? Compel me to self-improve. Don't guilt me in to some existential dread.

> On the other hand, your whole biology, tweaked by million of year of evolution, made it so that taking care of people around you is very often the best bang of happiness for buck.

Evolution compels you into procreating and taking care of that offspring. But there are many more motivators than good feelings. As long as you passed on your "legacy", it doesn't matter whether you did it out of joy or out of fear and worry. As far as the cause and effect of evolution is concerned.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#223

Post by alchemism » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 6:34 PM UTC

chris_wot wrote: post #205

alchemism wrote: post #181

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There's a relevant old saying that comes to mind: "Don't Trust Anyone Over Thirty."

I'm 36 and I endorse this message.

As am I :)

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#224

Post by omouse » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 6:37 PM UTC

Sven7 wrote: post #130

As a non user of Facebook it's incredibly weird to see like scores assigned to every tribute or condolence comment.

Like = upvote; an echoing of the sentiment expressed. The word does cause some cognitive dissonance.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#225

Post by unclebucknasty » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 6:48 PM UTC

vezzy-fnord wrote: post #211

unclebucknasty wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> a Hobson's choice, perhaps. I agree that it's the current state. But, I don't believe that it must be this way by some natural law. Maybe that's where we depart. > so invested in this ideal I'm invested in the notion that somewhere between where we are now and the ideal state is possible, and that we'd be far better off reaching for it. What alternative are you proposing? > retroactively shoehorn acts against or ap…

I'm invested in the notion that somewhere between where we are now and the ideal state is possible, and that we'd be far better off reaching for it. This I can agree with. Even if the ideal state cannot be attained, we're really far from even an approximation of it. You're simply stating an endemic problem of which most semi-conscious people are aware. But, what's your conclusion? I'm trying to say that democracy sho…

On balance, we agree. I think there are some who overly romanticize our current implementation and we are all certainly encouraged to do so. Still, I think most people see the flaws, but participate because it's the best (and currently only) game in town. That is, they agree with you more than you're allowing.

But, there are also many thinking people who are as aware and passionate as you and I about how broken it is and how far from the ideal we are. So, you could say that we have a special responsibility here. The question then becomes what are we going to do about it? It's easy to make statements and paint those we feel are "less-enlightened" with a broad brush. But, it doesn't move us any closer to the ideal. In fact, those people must be led.

>but your original comments were quite rude in the way you shoehorned life into a primitive idea of "voting"

Actually, if you kook carefully, you'll find that I didn't introduce the idea of voting. I think you're a little too eager to paint everyone with the same brush.

In any case, my original post was simply saying that it's not enough to go around with these platitudes about work/life priorities when our very survival currently depends upon work.

So, if we really believe what we espouse regarding what's important, then we should be working (via whatever means, including "fixing democracy") to make our society reflect that. Otherwise, we should stop pretending that it doesn't.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#226

Post by keane » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 7:23 PM UTC

Sven7 wrote: post #49

GuiA wrote: post #3

Paul Buchheit wrote a wonderful post, after similar circumstances, that I often re-read: > On a more practical level, what matters most in our day-to-day lives is that we're good to ourselves and to each other. It's actually not possible to only do one or the other -- we must do both or neither, but that's a topic for another time. Sometimes, when I write about startups or other interests of mine, I worry that perhap…

Good message. In the old days we needed a Buddha, Jesus or a Krishna to remind us of the simple truths. Today we look for them in blog posts. Everything changes and nothing changes.

Buddha taught that there was no God, therefore there were no morals, that the universe was deterministic, but that even so humans should strive to act with loving-kindness. Perhaps in your estimation this is a simple truth.

Jesus' call that one must metanoeo (let one's mind be changed and one's heart transformed) or perish, while related to the Jewish teaching that God is close to those with broken, contrite and humble hearts and found by those who seek him with all their heart and soul, was a new and radical call, not a mere reminder of a simple truth clearly as he claimed himself to be the Truth.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#227

Post by unclebucknasty » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 10:34 PM UTC

unclebucknasty wrote: post #225

vezzy-fnord wrote: post #211

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm invested in the notion that somewhere between where we are now and the ideal state is possible, and that we'd be far better off reaching for it. This I can agree with. Even if the ideal state cannot be attained, we're really far from even an approximation of it. You're simply stating an endemic problem of which most semi-conscious people are aware. But, what's your conclusion? I'm trying to say that democracy sho…

On balance, we agree. I think there are some who overly romanticize our current implementation and we are all certainly encouraged to do so. Still, I think most people see the flaws, but participate because it's the best (and currently only) game in town. That is, they agree with you more than you're allowing. But, there are also many thinking people who are as aware and passionate as you and I about how broken it is…

>Otherwise, we should stop pretending that it doesn't.

Rather, we should stop pretending that it does.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#228

Post by xchip » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 11:33 PM UTC

MrZongle2 wrote: post #215

xchip wrote: post #151

Can anyone summarize that long text?

A woman who is relatively famous in some technology circles lost her husband (also famous in the tech community) suddenly due to a tragic accident. Her post comes at the end of a religious mourning period and she reflects upon how she has learned to accept help and work to move on after such a harrowing experience. It's a pretty good read, and I'm sure it's heartfelt. As others here have mentioned, it's odd to see so…

Thanks MrZongle2, much appreciated!

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#229

Post by aagha » Fri, Jun 05, 2015, 7:20 AM UTC

sambeau wrote: post #75

peteretep wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Because they’d been to the top of the mountain, and they > just knew in their heart they’d never get there again, > that it was never going to get — never going to be that > way ever again And Sheryl says: > I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have > said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be > as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the > truth Is this attitude ... normal?…

I can confirm this. It has been 15 years since my son died. On a day-to-day basis there is a new normality in my life and the emotion surrounding his loss is locked tightly in a box. There is plenty of happiness and plenty of new happiness in my life. However, at all of the happiest moments in my life the box is opened and I am reminded that we are missing the one thing that would make this moment complete. This is w…

Having two children of my own, the thought of losing them and living the live you do fills me with a deep sadness I can't even begin to fathom.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#230

Post by mercer » Fri, Jun 05, 2015, 9:43 AM UTC

Dewie3 wrote: post #208

mercer wrote: post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Could you explain what is cynical about his message, or undesirable (or so I gather from your post, incorrectly perhaps)?

Oh I don't know. Maybe the common dismissal here on HN of any positive outlook or belief in oneself as being the result of naivete and lack of life experience. That in time they will resign themselves to realize that they are as useless as the cynic sees himself and others.

I see what you mean. It did sound a bit too inevitable and forceful, perhaps.

That said, I didn't read it as a dismissal or even outright cynicism. Rather, it seemed like a personal experienced they wanted to share as a bit of a warning. Which I think is really good, because I and many people I know feel similar looking back.

But looking back in that manner doesn't mean I don't look forward with hope. It just means that I wish I'd been a bit more careful at times about what I pursued, as I definitely feel more of a struggle in the energy department that I didn't feel a few years ago.