Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband • Hacker News Board

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#41

Post by misterbee » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:18 AM UTC

kraig911 wrote: post #18

AndrewKemendo wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Investing money, creating new products, and all the other things we do are wonderful games and can be a lot of fun, but it's important to remember that it's all just a game. I feel like this sentiment is very common, but is implicitly stating that all of the other things, family, friends, personal health etc... are not games - when I don't see why that would be the case. Nothing distinguishes those things for me. Cre…

I too used to think this way. I can't explain it now that I have a child and family and have lost people very close to me. Where as before the mere thought of innovating I felt like I was some of the first people ever to be doing something where in now I find it was all just a race. I.E. - Someone else could've finished that super fancy product and made lots of money. Just today I missed my daughter swimming for the…

There's nothing to "fix" about not being around for every single moment.

"firsts" aren't really such a big deal.

1. There are many many "firsts". 2. Each one isn't really a "first", because so much of what we do is gradual, that's arbitary where you draw the line of accomplishment.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#42

Post by jamesrcole » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:19 AM UTC

kraig911 wrote: post #18

AndrewKemendo wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Investing money, creating new products, and all the other things we do are wonderful games and can be a lot of fun, but it's important to remember that it's all just a game. I feel like this sentiment is very common, but is implicitly stating that all of the other things, family, friends, personal health etc... are not games - when I don't see why that would be the case. Nothing distinguishes those things for me. Cre…

I too used to think this way. I can't explain it now that I have a child and family and have lost people very close to me. Where as before the mere thought of innovating I felt like I was some of the first people ever to be doing something where in now I find it was all just a race. I.E. - Someone else could've finished that super fancy product and made lots of money. Just today I missed my daughter swimming for the…

> ... before the mere thought of innovating I felt like I was some of the first people ever to be doing something where in now I find it was all just a race. I.E. - Someone else could've finished that super fancy product and made lots of money

You're implying that technology doesn't ever improve people's lives. But, especially if you take longer term view, it clearly can and does.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#43

Post by misterbee » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:20 AM UTC

ivanhoe wrote: post #24

AndrewKemendo wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Investing money, creating new products, and all the other things we do are wonderful games and can be a lot of fun, but it's important to remember that it's all just a game. I feel like this sentiment is very common, but is implicitly stating that all of the other things, family, friends, personal health etc... are not games - when I don't see why that would be the case. Nothing distinguishes those things for me. Cre…

but would you really rather be remembered as a successful businessman by some strangers on Internet or as a loving human being by your own family? I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just it's not the same level of emotion... not even close

Not close at all. --Wait, which one are you saying is higher? Because different people have different values; there's no need to shit on someone's life choices if they aren't hurting people.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#44

Post by misterbee » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:20 AM UTC

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #15

AndrewKemendo wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Investing money, creating new products, and all the other things we do are wonderful games and can be a lot of fun, but it's important to remember that it's all just a game. I feel like this sentiment is very common, but is implicitly stating that all of the other things, family, friends, personal health etc... are not games - when I don't see why that would be the case. Nothing distinguishes those things for me. Cre…

Spoken like somebody without kids. They trigger responses built into our brains that make family very much more important that all the rest. Thus, family isn't a game any more.

> trigger responses

> game

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#45

Post by misterbee » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:24 AM UTC

peteretep wrote: post #14

redmaverick wrote: post #9

Joe Biden's speech in 2012 touches upon similar themes that Sheryl writes about. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwZ6UfXm410&t=5m10s "I have to tell you. I used to resent people. They'd come up to me and say, 'Joe, I know how you feel. I know, right? I knew they meant well. I knew they were genuine. But you knew they didn't have any damn idea." "For the first time in my life, I understood how someone could consciousl…

> Because they’d been to the top of the mountain, and they > just knew in their heart they’d never get there again, > that it was never going to get — never going to be that > way ever again And Sheryl says: > I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have > said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be > as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the > truth Is this attitude ... normal?…

Actually, forgetting is the way to feeling as happy again. If you can forget.

Imagine standing at your child's wedding, or your grandchild's wedding, beaming, and then remembering that your spouse isn't next to you.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#46

Post by misterbee » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:25 AM UTC

zak_mc_kracken wrote: post #30

themartorana wrote: post #17

The prayer got me the most. "Let me not die, while I am still alive..." That's powerful stuff. The idea of asking for more time like a kid in a swimming pool - just 5 more minutes! I hope I do die while I'm still alive though. Dying after I'm done living sounds worse.

I feel the other way around. I'd rather die while I'm alive (doing or living through something really exciting) than completing something exciting, then entering the dawn of life realizing that I'll never do something as exciting again, and then dying. I wanna die in the middle of having fun, not in a retirement home.

Stay at a fun retirement home!

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#47

Post by Bahamut » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:26 AM UTC

AndrewKemendo wrote: post #23

kraig911 wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I too used to think this way. I can't explain it now that I have a child and family and have lost people very close to me. Where as before the mere thought of innovating I felt like I was some of the first people ever to be doing something where in now I find it was all just a race. I.E. - Someone else could've finished that super fancy product and made lots of money. Just today I missed my daughter swimming for the…

I can't explain it now that I have a child and family and have lost people very close to me. As I posted to someone below you, I am married and have three kids. I have also lost a lot of my friends - I am an Iraq war veteran and was in the Air Force from 2003 until last Feb. All of that has led me to my conclusion because I see what is left after these people have gone away - and largely it's...nothing. Once their fr…

On the flip side, you only get one life. Each person has to make the decision how he/she wants to live it. Is a larger legacy worth pursuing at the cost of those claimed to be dear to each person? That is a question one must consider, and I don't think there is a right answer.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#48

Post by jamesrcole » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:27 AM UTC

unclebucknasty wrote: post #25

GuiA wrote: post #3

Paul Buchheit wrote a wonderful post, after similar circumstances, that I often re-read: > On a more practical level, what matters most in our day-to-day lives is that we're good to ourselves and to each other. It's actually not possible to only do one or the other -- we must do both or neither, but that's a topic for another time. Sometimes, when I write about startups or other interests of mine, I worry that perhap…

I hear this sentiment all the time--about what's really important and what our priorities should be, etc. But, there is something disingenuous about it. We have engineered a society wherein our very survival depends upon these "games" to which Mr. Buchheit has alluded. And, in his case he has the luxury of considering his economic endeavors to be games. It's certainly not his fault. I'm saying that we choose the soci…

>we choose the society we want

That's not really true. I don't think there's any meaningful sense in which anybody chose this society. We don't have that level of control.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#49

Post by Sven7 » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:32 AM UTC

GuiA wrote: post #3

Paul Buchheit wrote a wonderful post, after similar circumstances, that I often re-read: > On a more practical level, what matters most in our day-to-day lives is that we're good to ourselves and to each other. It's actually not possible to only do one or the other -- we must do both or neither, but that's a topic for another time. Sometimes, when I write about startups or other interests of mine, I worry that perhap…

Good message.

In the old days we needed a Buddha, Jesus or a Krishna to remind us of the simple truths. Today we look for them in blog posts. Everything changes and nothing changes.

Re: Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband

#50

Post by Balgair » Thu, Jun 04, 2015, 5:33 AM UTC

peteretep wrote: post #14

redmaverick wrote: post #9

Joe Biden's speech in 2012 touches upon similar themes that Sheryl writes about. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwZ6UfXm410&t=5m10s "I have to tell you. I used to resent people. They'd come up to me and say, 'Joe, I know how you feel. I know, right? I knew they meant well. I knew they were genuine. But you knew they didn't have any damn idea." "For the first time in my life, I understood how someone could consciousl…

> Because they’d been to the top of the mountain, and they > just knew in their heart they’d never get there again, > that it was never going to get — never going to be that > way ever again And Sheryl says: > I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have > said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be > as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the > truth Is this attitude ... normal?…

You just are not the same person after that long. You remember the pain and what it was like, but in a muted way, forgetting the real pain and the unknown of going on another day. You are not you of the day afterwards, you have 10, 20 years of time to digest, forget, and deciding not to look in that crack in your heart/soul. You change, it feels like another person had those feelings and those things happened to a close friend, not you.