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Be Kind

boz.com

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Re: Be Kind

#211

Post by mark-r »

dcpdx wrote: post #101

I'm currently re-reading the classic "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, and one of the principles he outlines to win people over to your way of thinking is to "show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say 'you're wrong'." He tells a story from Ben Franklin's autobiography outlining how insolent and opinionated he used to be, to the point that nobody could stand being around him. One…

An amazing story, when you consider that later in life Benjamin Franklin was a diplomat.

Re: Be Kind

#212

Post by mark-r »

baby wrote: post #51
JoeAltmaier wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Trouble is, tone doesn't come through text very well. Takes a lot more typing and very careful word choice. So haste often comes off as unkind. Maybe we can read comments more kindly, and give terse words the benefit of the doubt?

This is exactly why smileys were born. But some people tend to be elitist and frown upon them. :)

For me, smileys tend to be invisible - I often miss them completely.

Re: Be Kind

#213

Post by fsk »

thisisboz wrote: post #110
fsk wrote: post #93

I had a completely different interpretation of the incident at Facebook. He had developed some key features that were now important. Instead of mentoring him to work better with others, his boss demoted him. The boss was giving someone else a favor, making them the lead of this now-important project, some up-and-coming hotshot. He made up an excuse about "bad attitude", while just using it as cover for backstabbing h…

I'm going to write a follow up about how I wasn't mad about the feedback as much as I was mad nobody had told me sooner. We were a young company and didn't really have a management or mentorship skillset yet. We would all develop that together in the ensuing years and this was a major part of my motivation for pushing for it.

I still say that someone gave you a shit sandwich, and tricked you into believing that it tasted good.

Re: Be Kind

#214

Post by bo1024 »

iamcreasy wrote: post #194

I am an Engineering major(I have been programming since I was 13), and I have a bad habit of over-analyzing everything. I never skim over the details, and I always try to dig into a topic as much as I can to make sure my interpretations are correct. Because of this attitude, I can not enjoy fantasy novels. They ask me to bridge the gap between multiple paragraphs with insufficient information. But at the same time, I…

I think kindness comes in two steps. (1) Empathy. Think about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Think about how your words and actions can affect them either positively or negatively. (2) Implementation. When you speak or act, make others' desires or happiness a priority even if it conflicts with your own to some extent. How you manage that tradeoff is of course up to you.

Re: Be Kind

#215

Post by tempestn »

mucker wrote: post #160
eclipxe wrote: post #123

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Outliers, lucky, Right place, right time. The problem is with the people that try to emulate leaders like that - they try to play Steve Jobs in meetings and end up causing all of the damage without any of the greatness.

They aren't outliers.

Can you explain why you say that? It seems you're suggesting that there is in fact a correlation between genius, or at least effective management, and unkindness. Is that what you meant? If so, why?

I can see how high high achievers could tend to be extremely focused and driven, which in some cases would present in this way. I wouldn't expect it to be the norm though; do you believe otherwise? How do you know?

Re: Be Kind

#216

Post by fsk »

cookiecaper wrote: post #178
beachstartup wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The boss was giving someone else a favor, making them the lead of this now-important project, some up-and-coming hotshot. He made up an excuse about "bad attitude", while just using it as cover for backstabbing him. so, basically someone who was competent and agreeable was favored by his boss to get a promotion, and the person who acted like a know-it-all dickhead 24/7 got sent to the basement. that's a real shocke…

Indeed. We should be under no illusion -- employment is a popularity contest. In non-startups, the only thing that matters is how much the people around you, especially the high-ranking people, like you. Other things matter only in the most extreme circumstances -- every normal value can be hand-waved away if the boss likes you enough. If you want to be a successful employee, view yourself as a politician and run a s…

Why bother learning how to write software? I should have focused on sales if that's the only skill that matters.

Re: Be Kind

#217

Post by parasubvert »

iamcreasy wrote: post #194

I am an Engineering major(I have been programming since I was 13), and I have a bad habit of over-analyzing everything. I never skim over the details, and I always try to dig into a topic as much as I can to make sure my interpretations are correct. Because of this attitude, I can not enjoy fantasy novels. They ask me to bridge the gap between multiple paragraphs with insufficient information. But at the same time, I…

I had problems with this when younger, and I can point you in two directions:

1. Empathy. This is about understanding others. I think this is 80% of "being kind". It's a learnable skill. I learned through books and trial and error, though lately I suggest this book "Empathy: why it matters and how to get it". http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00HDMMEP2

2. Observe/Listen. Many conversations we are planning our next point rather than really deeply observing and listening to the other person: their eyes, body language, voice timber, gestures, and phrasing of the words they use. Huge amounts of information is on display in the shortest of phrases. Playing back observations to another is one of the simplest acts of kindness: it validates, affirms, shows interest, admits nuance, etc.

There are a few references on how to pick up on this stuff, though for entertainment value I'd recommend the more mainstream PUA books such as "The Game" or "Rules of the Game" as it is good information on non verbal communication even though the purpose is seedy.

Re: Be Kind

#218

Post by afarrell »

roflc0ptic wrote: post #57
btilly wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Text does not communicate tone" is a huge problem. You can solve that by deciding that certain types of communication should be done face to face. Being kind can be more concise. Here is an example that my fiance recently pointed out... I think the single biggest mistake people make in communication is reminding the other person they are incorrect when that does not change the content. "As I told you Monday, the rea…

Based off of my vague memory, in "How To Win Friends and Influence People", one main point is not to contradict people. In text or in person, never tell someone they're wrong. In general, when I want to correct someone's understanding I frame it as a failure of my own understanding. Like, hey, I'm the asshole here, would you do me a favor by going over this one more time for me? This is great because it allows the ot…

There are some instances when you have a moral duty to let people know they are wrong.

Re: Be Kind

#220

Post by zxxz »

I don't agree with the author.

Did that my first sentence above just hurt the feelings of the author or or many of the readers over here? Please read on.

This kind of philosophies (be kind-hearted, be tolerant etc) are the ones making humanity loose their natural vigor and push people into unnatural soft-minded, lame and vulnerable population.

These self-restricting rules makes you neutral and weak against someone who goes by natural and wild instincts. This is what is happening in the case of extremism of different kinds. The natural attitude always wins.

Be yourself. Be natural. Don't let your supremacy go without gains. Don't impose restrictions on yourself, just to please others.

Look at this. The author says that the other people didn't like him because the author was always right and winning without regard to the feelings of the people who lost the argument. But still those people complain about the winner and forces the winner to mend his ways, just by holding team work to ransom, instead of improving their own thinking. And the author and his boss asks us to give in such unfair play.

Sometimes I feel most of the men in the developed world are feminized (weakened or neutralized) by their schooling and social restrictions. They are forced to present themselves always in a very pleasant form to others, instead of their natural form. Being social and well-mannered is taken to a little too far, and creating the lame populations all over world.

Please, let the better thought win and prevail. Don't let it loose to the unfair demands by the weak minds who don't want to accept the legitimate supremacy of others.

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