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Be Kind

boz.com

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Re: Be Kind

#51

Post by baby »

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #13
mankyd wrote: post #4

I really like these two paragraphs towards the end: Being kind isn’t the same as being nice. It isn’t about superficial praise. It doesn’t mean dulling your opinions. And it shouldn’t diminish the passion with which you present them. Being kind is fundamentally about taking responsibility for your impact on the people around you. It requires you be mindful of their feelings and considerate of the way your presence af…

Trouble is, tone doesn't come through text very well. Takes a lot more typing and very careful word choice. So haste often comes off as unkind. Maybe we can read comments more kindly, and give terse words the benefit of the doubt?

This is exactly why smileys were born. But some people tend to be elitist and frown upon them. :)

Re: Be Kind

#52

Post by butterfi »

Good for you Boz! Some people go their whole lives without learning that lesson. One of my favorite pieces of advice I ever received was "be direct, be specific, and be non-punishing." At the time, I thought it was trite advice, but its one of the more useful tidbits I've heard.

Re: Be Kind

#53

Post by [deleted] »

mankyd wrote: post #4

I really like these two paragraphs towards the end: Being kind isn’t the same as being nice. It isn’t about superficial praise. It doesn’t mean dulling your opinions. And it shouldn’t diminish the passion with which you present them. Being kind is fundamentally about taking responsibility for your impact on the people around you. It requires you be mindful of their feelings and considerate of the way your presence af…

[deleted]

Re: Be Kind

#54

Post by weeksie »

aidenn0 wrote: post #32
weeksie wrote: post #2

Spot on. I think it's tough, particularly as a young guy, to hold back on being overly confrontational. I used to be horrible to be around, not just professionally, but in nearly every way. Super fighty and abrasive. I'd like to think that it was through mindful practice that I've managed to tame my aggression. Perhaps it is, partly. But the real reason that I'm a lot easier to get along with now probably has to do w…

I think it is mindful practice; I'm in my mid 30s and probably more abrasive than in my early 20s, despite having much less testosterone-fueled aggression.

Ha! Perhaps. I'm sure it's a lot of things. I also grew up working on fishing boats in Alaska and what passed for civil discourse out there would be fighting words in most professional environments.

Mindfulness is tough though. I've actually had to work pretty hard on being aware of my reactions and the intentions behind them. If I find myself getting upset, my face getting hot or my fingers tingling, then I ask myself what it is I want out of the situation I'm in. Usually the best way to get that is to take a deep breath and try to understand _why_ the other person doesn't understand my point of view.

Of course, being aggressive is a very useful trait at times. Learning when to use that trait is the tricky part.

Re: Be Kind

#55

Post by derefr »

btilly wrote: post #40
JoeAltmaier wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Trouble is, tone doesn't come through text very well. Takes a lot more typing and very careful word choice. So haste often comes off as unkind. Maybe we can read comments more kindly, and give terse words the benefit of the doubt?

"Text does not communicate tone" is a huge problem. You can solve that by deciding that certain types of communication should be done face to face. Being kind can be more concise. Here is an example that my fiance recently pointed out... I think the single biggest mistake people make in communication is reminding the other person they are incorrect when that does not change the content. "As I told you Monday, the rea…

> You can solve that by deciding that certain types of communication should be done face to face.

And in the case where your only relationship with these people is online in the first place? (As in this community, but also in quite a few FOSS projects or remote-only companies.)

Re: Be Kind

#56

Post by thothamon »

drzaiusapelord wrote: post #9
mankyd wrote: post #4

I really like these two paragraphs towards the end: Being kind isn’t the same as being nice. It isn’t about superficial praise. It doesn’t mean dulling your opinions. And it shouldn’t diminish the passion with which you present them. Being kind is fundamentally about taking responsibility for your impact on the people around you. It requires you be mindful of their feelings and considerate of the way your presence af…

To be fair, this is also incredibly exhausting. Most peoples' reactions to things are arbitrary at best and constant worrying about how they will take something is just way too much BS to put into my day. I bought pretty deeply into this philosophy once and it just made me neurotic and quiet at a time of my life where those things very much hurt me. I think being selectively kind makes a lot more sense. I'm kind to c…

Hmm. I don't think you have to be phony to be kind. In fact, I think it's easier to be kind, not more exhausting. If you think a little bit about how the other person might feel, you save an enormous amount of time dealing with them getting angry or upset. With egos out of the way, you can focus instead on the problem you both want to solve. This makes both of you look good and it might make a friend out of someone who could have been an enemy.

I'm a lot better at this today than I used to be, mostly because I don't take work so personally today. I still want to do well, but if I screw up, I don't take it as an indictment of myself as a person. This makes it a lot easier to, say, admit something is my fault QUICKLY -- if it is -- which allows us to focus on the solution instead of whose fault it is.

There are (IMO very rare) occasions where a soft word won't do the trick, and that is what the big stick is for. But almost everyone, even very obnoxious people, usually respond very well to a little bit of niceness, and it costs basically nothing to give it a try.

Re: Be Kind

#57

Post by roflc0ptic »

btilly wrote: post #40
JoeAltmaier wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Trouble is, tone doesn't come through text very well. Takes a lot more typing and very careful word choice. So haste often comes off as unkind. Maybe we can read comments more kindly, and give terse words the benefit of the doubt?

"Text does not communicate tone" is a huge problem. You can solve that by deciding that certain types of communication should be done face to face. Being kind can be more concise. Here is an example that my fiance recently pointed out... I think the single biggest mistake people make in communication is reminding the other person they are incorrect when that does not change the content. "As I told you Monday, the rea…

Based off of my vague memory, in "How To Win Friends and Influence People", one main point is not to contradict people. In text or in person, never tell someone they're wrong.

In general, when I want to correct someone's understanding I frame it as a failure of my own understanding. Like, hey, I'm the asshole here, would you do me a favor by going over this one more time for me? This is great because it allows the other person to graciously concede your point, and to feel like they're the one helping you. It's also great because when it turns out you're wrong, you don't have to backtrack.

Additionally I find it useful as an exercise in suspending belief. Sure, I think I'm right, but let's set that belief aside for a moment and explore our understanding. Nothing misleads people more than the conviction that they're right.

Re: Be Kind

#58

Post by [deleted] »

ericabiz wrote: post #16
drzaiusapelord wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To be fair, this is also incredibly exhausting. Most peoples' reactions to things are arbitrary at best and constant worrying about how they will take something is just way too much BS to put into my day. I bought pretty deeply into this philosophy once and it just made me neurotic and quiet at a time of my life where those things very much hurt me. I think being selectively kind makes a lot more sense. I'm kind to c…

> "People at work, retail staff, etc should be prepared to not have their emotions constantly validated and deal with disagreement and other things that are unpleasant." The addition of "retail staff" here surprised me. I'm a techie who took a break from tech and startups the past few months to help out my S.O., who owns a retail store. I worked the front counter, ran inventory, etc. for the past 3 months. I had neve…

[deleted]

Re: Be Kind

#59

Post by aristus »

This is a fantastic article from Boz. I have to be blunt in my criticism, however, as I imagine Boz would expect and appreciate. I had a few run-ins with him in the early 2010s and I don't see much evidence that he learned from these experiences or changed his basic working pattern. Or maybe he was even more raw before I met him. :) I learned very early on not to have anything Boz wanted nor to cross him. It's hard to judge the impact of what people don't say, once they get into the habit of not saying certain things around you.

Re: Be Kind

#60

Post by candu »

mankyd wrote: post #4

I really like these two paragraphs towards the end: Being kind isn’t the same as being nice. It isn’t about superficial praise. It doesn’t mean dulling your opinions. And it shouldn’t diminish the passion with which you present them. Being kind is fundamentally about taking responsibility for your impact on the people around you. It requires you be mindful of their feelings and considerate of the way your presence af…

Exactly this. IMHO, the first paragraph quoted above is especially important to understand.

This post reads like someone discovering the line between aggressive and assertive. Aggressive is most definitely unkind. Assertive is often confused with unkind, but it isn't really that: it's about demonstrating respect both for yourself and for those around you.

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