Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

HN Help: I'm lost

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

141–150 of 272 posts

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#141

Post by antirez »

I use 50% of my time working on Redis because my real work is stupid. I used to work as freelance developer. Then I started to work for myself, now I've two companies, but still my work is stupid.

Why? Because there aren't just we and our users. There are customers, investors, and a lot of other people that are between our work and our users. This "third parties" manage to make us working for 80% on pointless stuff, write emails with time lines, and so on.

Because of this I'm changing my two companies in the next years, we are moving into web and mobile development without investors nor customers nor partnerships, just users. Even if this will mean to get into financial troubles it's worth it.

If you are not happy with your work and you think in some way you'll continue to survive if you leave it, LEAVE IT NOW.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#142

Post by nzmsv »

ganley wrote: post #84
physcab wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Poverty is uncomfortable, but regret is excruciating". I cannot upmod you enough for writing that. It's exactly the kind of feeling I've been having for the past few years but haven't been able to put it into words. Sometimes being poor can be one of your largest assets because it makes you more nimble and forces you to make better decisions--both in startup world and life outside. But you're right, regret is excruc…

His family might disagree.

This is exactly what most guys out there are conditioned to think. "I must be a provider". It's stupid. Yes, make sure your kids aren't starving. No, they don't need a new videogame every week.

Kids aren't as dumb as adults think they are. Treat them with respect, explain things to them, and they will understand. Treat them as dumb consumers, and what do you get?

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#143

Post by jimbokun »

ganley wrote: post #84
physcab wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Poverty is uncomfortable, but regret is excruciating". I cannot upmod you enough for writing that. It's exactly the kind of feeling I've been having for the past few years but haven't been able to put it into words. Sometimes being poor can be one of your largest assets because it makes you more nimble and forces you to make better decisions--both in startup world and life outside. But you're right, regret is excruc…

His family might disagree.

Maybe, but how will he know if he doesn't ask?

Or it might turn out that there is some third option between continuing the current drudgery or pushing everything into the pile on some new venture. Again, there's little to be lost and much to gain from starting the conversation.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#144

Post by iamwil »

indiejade wrote: post #127
axod wrote: post #93

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah its one thing to deprive yourself of things, but when you start depriving your offspring of things, that's tough. Having a family changes all the goalposts.

Disagree. Comfort breeds complacency. Complacency breeds discontent. My family was completely nomadic growing up. While it was kind of a constant uncertain adventure, I see, as an adult, how it made me a better and stronger person. Look at people with a small zone of comfort, people who are so incredibly attached to their physical manifestations of "success" and they are some of the most unhappy people ever. Living t…

I've seen different people react differently to having moved around a lot as a kid. Some react the way you do. Others like nothing better to just plot down and settle in some roots when they're adults.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#145

Post by jimbokun »

alecco wrote: post #132
Tichy wrote: post #116

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Don't own a TV.

I don't, but I don't have kids. Do you?

I have kids, own a TV, but don't get anything more than the basic network channels. Specifically, no Disney, no Nickleodeon, Cartoon Network, etc. When visiting friends and family who do have those channels, I'm constantly reminded this is a good thing.

(Ironically, I think channels like Cartoon Network I would recommend more for adults, both for the creativity of some of the shows and for the nostalgia of the old stuff. But I don't think the irony of many of these cartoons translates for many children, who are still naive enough to take them at face value.)

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#146

Post by azanar »

axod wrote: post #136
newsio wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So, it is preferable to deprive kids of attention/love/help with school (OP says he barely sees his children) as opposed to depriving kids of "things"?

There's obviously a balance. Kids need ideally both.

Do you think they need as much of the "things" as parents seem to feel obligated to provide for them now? There is no need for this false dichotomy of "things" or "complete lack of things".

As I've commented on here before, I and a lot of the people I know seem to have gone through childhoods where the parents believed this trade-off was really binary. I got it less than many people, but I still would have liked to see my parents, and their parents as well, not suffer through existence so much because of "needs" they thought we had. The only reason they thought we had those needs is because all the other parents in the neighborhood reinforced that children have those needs by catering to their own children thusly. It almost seems like the same force that drives parents to obsess about the safety of their children. They don't want to seem like the parent who cares the least.

The problem is that the goalposts you allude to in a higher-level comment are defined by this mechanism. I agree that goals will change -- any life change will result in resetting of goals --, but I think we absolutely suck as a collective on evaluating where those goals ought to reset to, and just let blind oneupmanship against other families guide us to local maxima.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#147

Post by iamwil »

bsaunder wrote: post #42
fdschoeneman wrote: post #20

Aw man, I wish I had answers for you. Your situation reminds me of when I was in the Army. I had recently left an elite unit, and was working a dull job in the regular Army. A senior NCO took me under his wing and, sensing that I was unhappy, asked me what was going on. I hated my job. I hated my situation. I hated the Army. I hated my living quarters. I felt like I was in prison. I didn't feel that I was any good at…

don't get all caught up in some kind of false choice Excellent advice. I think often times when we feel 'stuck' there are a world of other options we are not considering. If things are truely that bad on all perspectives, it shouldn't be hard to find a partial solution that improves them.

I remember reading somewhere that if there are two roads and you can't choose between them, then they're both wrong.

It's also a form of creativity and problem solving to open up other options for yourself. The world is more pregnant with possibility than we imagine until we've seen other people get themselves out of a mess by opening up options.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#149

Post by fauigerzigerk »

Tichy wrote: post #140
Freebytes wrote: post #138

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That is certainly the reason he was downvoted. Is there really any reason to discuss downvoting? The fact that his wife might not want him to take such drastic steps is actually a good thing. My wife is my dream killer which is a good thing. Dreams are fantasies. You should be willing to 'go for it', but you should have someone there to keep you in reality. Just because his wife might not see things from his perspect…

It sounds as if you know his wife? It might be as you say, or maybe they are just completely different people. They probably have lived together for many, many years now. What if they just make each other unhappy? Granted the formulation "leave immediately" was probably too harsh. I would think it is worth trying to talk about things. But one can't assume that staying together is always the best solution.

There seems to be somewhat of a misunderstanding. I didn't say leave her because she might not want you to do the things you want to do. I said talk to her or leave her!

My opinion is that if he ponders such important matters and feels unable to talk about it with his spouse then it's not a relationship worth having. I would go so far as to say it would be unfair _not_ to quit a relationship if I felt unable to talk about things like this.

I stand by that in all its harshness.

However, it may be a mistake to talk about these things in a do this, do that kind of style. I know I'm not very diplomatic but I think he's smart enough to parse it and maybe dismiss it, and if I'm voted down so be it.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#150

Post by nfnaaron »

When what you're doing isn't working, try anything else.

Simplistic, but true nonetheless.

The sum of your life isn't working for you, so you should definitely act and change something. Don't think "I should be happy because I have these things or because others like me look happy." You're not happy. Change something. You have zero responsibilities beyond the well being of yourself and your family.

Change the job, deliberately, carefully, and as quickly as possible. Even if a heart-to-heart with your difficult boss improves that relationship, there's still the commute and your desire to spend more time with your kids.

A job is just a job, and they don't care (much) about you. You're more or less pluggable. Your kids are the world, and you're losing them everyday, even when you're with them 24/7. My son is eleven and I love him exactly the way he is today, but I ache from the fact that I will never again be able to talk to the four year old he once was. Max your time and quality with your kids, they're good for you and you're good for them.

If you have trouble figuring out what to do "from now on," then just try to figure out what you can do "for awhile." Give yourself some space and time to look around. You're smart enough and disciplined enough to write a book, so you can probably work remotely. Get a contract or permanent-but-remote job with someone on the other side of the country, or New Zealand, so that there's no question about the work from home thing. You don't have to save the world with your first change, you just have to push the world back a bit, so you can see what's possible.

Downshift. If you have more than 12 (or N) payments on a car, sell it and buy a good enough cheap car that serves your needs. If you're not commuting then you don't need much car. Get rid of cable/dish (but keep the broadband). Sell your house and buy a smaller one in an older neighborhood (assuming the economics work for that). Get rid of as much out-flow as possible, and save it instead.

Take a hard look at money expenses and psychic expenses, and realize that most of our "have tos" are merely "want tos." If you're doing something that sucks (like your job) because you "have to" live in a certain neighborhood or in a certain way, then think about what those supposed "have tos" are doing to you.

You do have to take care of yourself. As they say at the beginning of an airline flight, if you're traveling with children (which you are), in the event of an emergency place your own oxygen mask first, so that you are then able to help your kids with their oxygen. Point, don't suffer in a field of suck because you think it's good for your kids. Take care of your needs within the bounds of responsibility and propriety, and you'll be better able to take care of your kids.

Much good advice in the other comments. Look at it all with slightly unfocused eyes and see what it all suggests that will work for you. Talk to a trusted friend and a close relative. Don't feel obligated to take any specific advice.

Post reply on HN