You know me because of code I've written, books I've published, and my contributions here .... I'm in my early 40s, I've worked for start-ups and big companies. I made a little bit of money in the early 2000s which helped pay off a bit of mortgage. I have a family that depends on me financially.I'm in my early 20s, and I'm just starting graduate school. I think you're exactly who I'm aiming to be in 20 years. So it makes me nervous that it's not working out for you.
Where should I turn? And what would you do?
Normally, that's what I'd ask somebody like you - someone successful, who gives to his peer group.
But since you're asking me (us), what I would do (have done), in order:
- Read the research: http://www.trendfollowing.com/whitepaper/happiness.pdf . The research says that exercise, sex, sleep, lots of time devoted to meaningful relationships, engagement in work, enjoying the moment, and regularly achieving goals are the main correlates of happiness. People overestimate the potential effects of big changes in their lives (lottery winners / paraplegics).
- Start with: Sleep, exercise & meditate. They're easy and you can do all three today. I replaced the SSRIs my health professional gave me with these habits, and feel much better than I did (indeed, research shows they're more effective than most of the medication).
- Take a week. Breathe. Tell your wife and kids that you're going away a few days to think about being happy and making them happy. Find a forest or a quiet room somewhere and just sit and think for a week, about how to be happy and make them happy. Don't watch TV or read books or write code. Just sit and breathe and think.
- Ask your family what to do. They know you better than I do. Especially your kids - kids have a way of totally ignoring the bullshit they're supposed to see, and just seeing instead. Your parents will know you too.
- Make a plan. Doesn't have to be detailed, just has to have steps, in order, that you think will mostly solve this problem if they are executed properly.
- Do the plan.
- Consider spirituality. By that I just mean how you really feel about the Big Questions, about who you are, your place in the world.
A final note: I discovered fairly early on in life that I'm fundamentally unhappy. With absolutely no good external reasons, when logically everything in my life is going great, I still tend to emotionally feel unhappy.
My default dopamine-ostat is too low, basically. This has made it very clear that, for me, happiness is a fundamentally internal thing. Your outside circumstances (within reason) have only marginal effects on happiness.
My solution is to continuously practice mentally relaxing. Releasing tension in my diaphragm, my face, neck & shoulders, breathing, and then eventually my mind - running through all the reasons why I'm basically OK. This eventually makes me smile, and feel happy. Repeating this practice regularly has made it almost a subconscious habit. For me, this did more than getting a girlfriend, being admitted to prestigious schools, or anything else.