HN Help: I'm lost • Hacker News Board

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#81

Post by kevin_way » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 2:31 PM UTC

I've been in a similar situation, and my reaction was to spend several months looking at the science of happiness, and thinking about what really makes me happy.

I came up with some answers (time at home, time with family, a feeling that my work does more than make a few wealthy men slightly wealthier.)

From there, I started working on a business plan, for a startup where the primary goal was to find a way to monetize the activities that bring me happiness.

I can't say that this startup is currently profitable. It's not. But I'm executing on the vision, and so far things are very close to the plan. And I'm much, much happier than I used to be.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#82

Post by aw3c2 » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 2:31 PM UTC

Do not work from home, you need social contacts.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#83

Post by plinkplonk » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 2:32 PM UTC

shaddi wrote: post #72

plinkplonk wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"You ask "Where should I turn?". My answer: if what I have said rings true at all in your heart, turn to Jesus" May I suggest the Flying Sphagetti Monster instead? Just as valid as some "man in the sky" mythology, from a "turn to X" point of view. Please, take your religious preaching elsewhere and don't prey on someone's confusion/depression, at least on this forum. Thanks in advance.

Regardless of validity in your mind, religion is an important aspect of the lives of billions of people on this planet. The GP was not preaching or preying on anyone -- the phrase "if what I have said rings true at all in your heart" is an indicator of a respectful and well-intentioned comment. For many people in a situation similar to the poster's, looking outside the secular world for help has been what helped them…

" "if what I have said rings true at all in your heart" is an indicator of a respectful and well-intentioned comment.

It doesn't matter. Ultimately this site isn't a venue for religious evangelism, no mattter how "respectful" the build up is. And if it is, evangelizing the FSM makes as much sense as evangelizing Jesus (or Buddha or Allah or the Great BingaBonga of the White Voudoun).

And I've noticed that evangelizers pounce on already depressed people. This seems to fit the pattern.

Anyways I don't want to extend an already useless thread. So I'll stop. Preach away.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#84

Post by ganley » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 2:32 PM UTC

physcab wrote: post #76

noonespecial wrote: post #5

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.” First, tell your wife exactly what you've written here. What you're about to do will scare the snot out of her if she doesn't understand your motivation. The fact that you've posted somethin…

"Poverty is uncomfortable, but regret is excruciating". I cannot upmod you enough for writing that. It's exactly the kind of feeling I've been having for the past few years but haven't been able to put it into words. Sometimes being poor can be one of your largest assets because it makes you more nimble and forces you to make better decisions--both in startup world and life outside. But you're right, regret is excruc…

His family might disagree.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#85

Post by butterfi » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 2:39 PM UTC

You sound like a smart, capable guy, and I've read a lot of good advice here. I'm a guy in his 40's who had a similar crisis and feel like I came out the other side. Let me say this:

You can do this.

Find a job that lets you work near home. Your kids grow up fast, and frankly, kids are like computers. Garbage in,garbage out. They are your long term project that has the potential to reap some serious happiness and satisfaction. I love my work, but it was easy to loose site of the big picture.

Start exercising, if you're not already. Exercise will help you manage depression and give you new confidence.

Did I mention you can do this? :)

Hang in there brother, you might be in a tunnel now, but it will end.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#86

Post by flooha » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 2:41 PM UTC

One interesting exercise you can do is to write down all of the things that you think would make you the person you want to be and then prioritize and set goals to incorporate each into your life. For example, your list might look something like this:

1) Exercise 30 minutes 3 times per week.

2) Spend at least 1 hour per day playing and interacting with each child, individually, without distractions.

3) Work on startup ideas at least 10 hours per week.

4) Spend at least 3 hours per week participating in your favorite hobby.

5) Only say fuck 5 times per day. ;)

6) Meet one new person each week.

7) Don't tell a single lie for one day each week.

etc...

You get the idea. The key is to force yourself to meet your goals, learn which ones are really important to your happiness and then focus on those. Obviously you can't go nuts and try to do everything all at once, but just making small changes and trying to accomplish something every day can make a difference.

For more practical advice, eliminate the things in your life that cause you pain/stress with extreme prejudice. You have to be really honest with yourself and willing to make tough decisions, but this was the thing that has helped me the most. For me, these things were mostly people.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#87

Post by pvg » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 2:49 PM UTC

You're certainly lost if you're turning to a bunch of (however well-intentioned) strangers for help with a problem they're very unlikely to be able to help you with - they have no idea who you are, your situation, your history, your personality nor do they have much of a stake in your sorting things out. The best you can hope for is some well-meaning platitudes and interesting-but-likely-inapplicable personal anecdotes. The accepted cliché is that recognizing you have a problem is the most difficult step. Since you've got that covered, you're probably best off moving on to the (supposedly) easier bits like where to look for help - the standard list includes things like family, friends, mental health-care professionals, etc. Usually not 'web forums', mostly for a good reason.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#88

Post by 18orbust » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 2:53 PM UTC

Find a hot 18-year-old who will bang you silly, and do her at least three times a week. Pay for this if you have to.

I'm telling you, it will change your life.

Craigslist is a good place to start.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#89

Post by garnet7 » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 3:00 PM UTC

If you can tell this to your wife, and she's supportive and will accept a lower standard of living in exchange for a happier family, then you're an extremely lucky man. AFAICT, many wives will just run you until you're nothing more than a burnt out husk.

Re: HN Help: I'm lost

#90

Post by dabent » Thu, Nov 12, 2009, 3:01 PM UTC

noonespecial wrote: post #5

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.” First, tell your wife exactly what you've written here. What you're about to do will scare the snot out of her if she doesn't understand your motivation. The fact that you've posted somethin…

I have to second the "tell your wife" part. If she is supportive, you two can find a solution that makes your whole family happy in the long run.

And for the lost sheep, it sound like you really need a different job. I have a job with a long commute, but a great boss and that's hard enough. In my opinion, it's just not worth the stress.

I'm not sure how to answer the money part. At least you've recognized there is a problem and can now try to address it through savings, lifestyle change, etc.