Ask HN: Why do I have to struggle with everything?

You ask a very important question but I don't think there is any correct answer to it.

Let me give you a little thought exercise.

Imagine you were born in a different country and time than the one that you are in right now. Imagine that country is under occupation by an oppressive regime and you have no voice, no rights, no freedom whatsoever. Imagine that every day your family, friends and those you know are living under threat of imprisonment or death. In addition to that imagine that you are at a time when the state of medicine hasn't advanced beyond blood letting and cupping as the most advanced techniques to fight disease.

Now stop and think. Other than the medicine part there are various parts of the world where this scenario is the daily truth.

Granted you feel poor and need to struggle through everyday life.

Can I ask you a few questions 1. Can you see, hear, smell and speak? 2. Do you have the use of all your limbs? 3. Can you afford a daily meal? 4. Do you have some decent shelter? 5. Do you have access to healthcare? 6. Do you have access to basic facilities such as clean running water and toilets?

I think if you can answer yes to most of those questions, you are probably not a 1 percenter, but you may be better off than 30% to 40% of the world's population.

You have every right to bemoan your fate but it's all relative.

There's always someone in worse shape than you.

Thank your respective deity if you are so inclined that you are not in worse shape than you are in. It could be a lot worse.

This is just not a good response and does not speak to the author's problem. Yes, you can indeed say "you should be happy! It could be so much worse!" but this is not a gratifying or helpful answer to the original poster. Logically reasoning that you should feel happier about your current situation when, on an emotional level, you do not, isn't helpful. I think the other responses, which addressed the idea that all of us struggle regardless of where we are from and our current situation, is perhaps a bit more helpful.

It doesn't matter how hard or how many times you try if you do the same thing with the same attitude over and over again. In this case, you're applying for jobs and looking for companionship with the mindset that this is the 1000th time you've been in this position and the universe owes you a break, whereas to the recruiter or potential date this is the first time they've met you. What kind of impression do you think they're forming of you when you approach them with this mindset? Is it fair to them that they're just another potential notch in the litany of life failures instead of unique individuals and roles?

If applying to jobs and making friends isn't any easier after thousands of failures, you're not using failure as a learning experiment and your situation will never improve unless you recognize what it is that you're doing that's preventing you from having the kind of success you want to have.

Here are some personal thoughts in no particular order:

- Most people are bound to be about average, that's how averages work. In life you've probably been through a couple of "selection procedures" (for lack of a better term) that redefine this average for you personally. Very early in life, the average is low. People with an intellectual disability get "filtered out" and end up in special care, and the average rises. After primary school (and I'm basing myself off of the Belgian school system, which I'm most familiar with), you start specialising. Some people choose a very hands on education (woodworking, mechanic, etc.) which doesn't require the same intellectual capabilities as, what we call, general education (lots of science, Latin, Greek, etc.). The average changes. Then you might go to higher education and choose between high school or university. The average changes. I hope you get the point by now: depending on how good (and I've focused purely on intellectual capability, you might focus on another quality) you are, you will find a very high or very low average. Whatever path people choose, they are bound to be around the about average in their path.

- Something that fits quite well with the previous point, is how high you've set your personal standard. I'm not here to tell you whether or not your standard is too high or too low, you have to decide that for yourself. But consider that someone aiming to be a top theoretical physicist is going to have a much harder time achieving his standard than someone aiming to have a family, dog and house, without struggling financially. This person is again going to have a much harder time achieving their standard, compared to someone living in a poor village in Africa, just wanting to not be starving. (And you might argue that person in Africa will have a much harder time not starving than an average male white American getting a house with a family and a dog, but that's besides the point)

- Keep this standard higher than your current personal level. It will keep you wanting to become better at whatever you're doing. But keep it realistic, that will prevent you from becoming hopeless about never reaching a certain standard.

- Just because people tell you you should be happy for not being that starving person in Africa, doesn't mean they're right. They're not entirely wrong either; there are people who have it a lot worse than you'll ever have. But someone else's struggles and troubles do not negate your own.

- There's also something that's known as selection bias[0]. This fits quite nicely with point one and two. Because of the standard you've chosen for yourself or the average you've ended up comparing against, you will have a tendency to see all the people doing better than you, and ignoring those doing worse than you. Again, this doesn't mean your struggle is irrelevant. It's just something to keep in mind when comparing yourself against others.

- But then again, is there any point in comparing yourself against others? A nihilist[1] might say it doesn't matter what you do in your life. That there is no inherent value to anything you do or achieve. That there is no particular meaning to life. Maybe you can find yourself in this reasoning?

- Think about relocating. Paying those college fees might not have been hard in Belgium. Up until this academic year, higher education cost about 650-700 Euro per year. Even less if your household earns less than a certain amount. Fees as low as 150 Euro are possible for a year of higher education.

- A silly example from my own life, incorporating some points I previously made: Take a look at my English. I wasn't born in an English-speaking country, never lived in one either. I think there is still a lot to be improved about my English. But compare my English to what you might see in the comments on certain websites. Is my English really that bad (especially when keeping in mind it's not my mother tongue). Then compare my English to what you might see in a work of Shakespeare. Is it even worth learning more if I'll never reach that level of English? But in the end: does it even matter how good my English is, as long as I can get my point across?

[0]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selection_bias

[1]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nihilism

nope