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The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

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Re: The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

#31

Post by ddebernardy »

antimagic wrote: post #10
johnchristopher wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am a french speaker and I ended up going with a slight variation : "Right|Okay, I have to leave you (now)+." In french it implies something like "I wish I could go on but alas I am obliged to take care of something else right now".

Which is why getting tone right in a foreign language is next to impossible. I'm guessing you're translating from "il faut que j'y aille" which is politer in French, thanks to the use of the subjunctive. In English though, without this grammatical tone-setter, you've basically just told someone that you have something that you consider more important than them. Sometimes that can work, especially when the other perso…

"Il faut que j'y aille" could translate -- very, very loosely -- as "I gotta go because I need to take care of this thing" or something to that order. It's not so bad imo -- in fact, it uses because, which is a good thing if social psychology is anything to go by (e.g. the xerox experiment).

Re: The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

#32

Post by lettercarrier »

My success at ending conversations successfully greatly improved once I took formal training in personality types [1] Stick a dozen or two in a room and get a good facilitator to explain how others are. Then you will become so much better at knowing how to end a conversation, or even better, when you should not even bother entering in one. Thinkers; Deciders; Sensors; Feelers, in my learning sessions.

As a boss, I told everyone that under stress, I am a huge decider. Don't waste my time with conversation; get to the point. But under normal conditions, I am extremely verbose.

I think the "science" part of the article is good, as any formula can help when needed. But I sum up what I think my conversation partner is (thinker, decider, sensor, feeler) so I know how to end the conversation.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_type

Re: The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

#33

Post by johnchristopher »

antimagic wrote: post #10
johnchristopher wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am a french speaker and I ended up going with a slight variation : "Right|Okay, I have to leave you (now)+." In french it implies something like "I wish I could go on but alas I am obliged to take care of something else right now".

Which is why getting tone right in a foreign language is next to impossible. I'm guessing you're translating from "il faut que j'y aille" which is politer in French, thanks to the use of the subjunctive. In English though, without this grammatical tone-setter, you've basically just told someone that you have something that you consider more important than them. Sometimes that can work, especially when the other perso…

edit: I just realized that there might be some confusion: I would not use the English `I have to leave you now` sentence in an actual English conversation. That was an approximate translation of the French sentence I use in French conversation (I got carried away with the line of thought `oh! that's how I do it in my language` when reading `britishism`).

> Which is why getting tone right in a foreign language is next to impossible.

Absolutely right. This really is a blind spot that I am cruelly reminded of every time I find myself in an oral actual conversation with an English native speaker.

> I'm guessing you're translating from "il faut que j'y aille" which is politer in French, thanks to the use of the subjunctive.

I usually formulate it like this:

    Je vais devoir|dois vous laisser (maintenant).
or

    Je vous laisse.
The last one is really good when you feel the other person doesn't know how to leave the conversation.

> In English though, without this grammatical tone-setter, you've basically just told someone that you have something that you consider more important than them. Sometimes that can work, especially when the other person isn't expecting your undivided attention, but other times, not so much.

Indeed, the previous example I gave could also be very harsh when spoken a certain way.

I sometimes add a `because|parce que` and a reason but I am more often than not under the assumption that the other person will think I am making up excuses which would be even ruder.

Re: The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

#35

Post by cmdrfred »

blisterpeanuts wrote: post #4

This brings to mind a conversation I once had with a smart, young female programmer with a playful sense of humor. Me: I have a meeting. Her: yeah, right. Those were fun times.

This is the nerdyist comment on HackerNews, congratulations sir.

Re: The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

#36

Post by kennu »

mathattack wrote: post #21

I think they overly downplay the effectiveness and efficiency of vanishing. I used to work with a VERY polished salesman, who was the king of making everyone feel at home at his events. He was an absolute gentleman. But you knew he would disappear without saying a word at the end of the night. There would be a car waiting for everyone that needed it, but he wouldn't say Goodbye. Nobody faulted him for it. On the othe…

I'd say it's an entirely different thing to vanish from an event than to vanish from a conversation.

Vanishing from an event early can be seen as considerate: you don't want to spoil other people's party mood with your goodbyes and by having to decline the invitations to stay a little longer or to join an afterparty. You just vanish and let others party on. The more alcohol is involved, the less anyone even notices.

But vanishing (walking away) from an active conversation without any concluding ritual or external interruption is just perceived as rude.

Re: The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

#37

Post by antimagic »

ddebernardy wrote: post #31
antimagic wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Which is why getting tone right in a foreign language is next to impossible. I'm guessing you're translating from "il faut que j'y aille" which is politer in French, thanks to the use of the subjunctive. In English though, without this grammatical tone-setter, you've basically just told someone that you have something that you consider more important than them. Sometimes that can work, especially when the other perso…

"Il faut que j'y aille" could translate -- very, very loosely -- as "I gotta go because I need to take care of this thing" or something to that order. It's not so bad imo -- in fact, it uses because , which is a good thing if social psychology is anything to go by (e.g. the xerox experiment).

No, "il faut que j'y aille" has no "because" in the sentence. It translates literally to "I have to go", but it's a politer formulation that the English translation might suggest.

Re: The Science of Politely Ending a Conversation

#38

Post by PeterWhittaker »

antimagic wrote: post #37
ddebernardy wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Il faut que j'y aille" could translate -- very, very loosely -- as "I gotta go because I need to take care of this thing" or something to that order. It's not so bad imo -- in fact, it uses because , which is a good thing if social psychology is anything to go by (e.g. the xerox experiment).

No, "il faut que j'y aille" has no "because" in the sentence. It translates literally to "I have to go", but it's a politer formulation that the English translation might suggest.

One could also translate it as "ah, a duty calls me away" or "ah, I have an obligation I must attend to".

I use the "ah" to try to capture the tone and gestures that usually accompany "if faut que j'y aille", a sort resignation and regret. A fiction recognized by both speakers.

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