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What makes for a stable marriage?

randalolson.com

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Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#31

Post by Xcelerate »

freditup wrote: post #24
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants Exactly. See, I never worry about myself being selfish, but my biggest fear is that I will get married to someone who just quits caring about me or who "gets bored" (I can't stand that phrase) and leaves me.

Not to be a jerk, but if you never worry about yourself being selfish, there's a good chance you're missing something about yourself. I haven't met a human in all my days who has no unnecessary self-centeredness! Going into a marriage completely confident of your own dedication while questioning your partner's won't end well in my opinion. That being said, I've never met you and have no idea who you are, so don't tak…

Sorry, my phrasing was off there. Kind of tired this morning. What I meant is that I don't worry about myself "getting bored". In other words, I would keep working at a marriage rather than abandon it just because I was tired of it. I'm sure I have selfish moments, but the goal is to minimize how many of them I have!

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#32

Post by themartorana »

smoyer wrote: post #8
themartorana wrote: post #5

A couple of subjective thoughts - the only two points that don't jive for me are that spending huge amounts on a wedding significantly increase the likelihood of divorce, while having 200+ people at your wedding severely decreases it. It seems likely to me that the amount of people who attend the wedding is insignificant, but it can be a good indicator of the importance of close family and community of friends. The o…

"So I'm not sure that religion makes a marriage stronger, it just places a higher degree of shame and stigma on divorce." But perhaps any social pressure that encourages marriage would do the same thing? I've got quite a few friends that have had arranged marriages - they marry strangers and work to build a happy marriage from it because their families expect it. On the other hand, "staying in a bad marriage" is a mi…

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants

This is absurd. It's constructed of a series of suppositions, only a few of which I'll address.

First is that people are static. This simply isn't true. We all know that we all change - not just in age, wisdom, and so on, but in tastes, politics, religious dedication, and the lines we draw between wrong and right, just to name a few.

In just these ways, people can grow apart. The distance between these changes can, in fact, cause "irreconcilable differences."

Sometimes these changes are brought about by dramatic stress events, from the death of a child to major swings in financial stability. The way in which these events change the unwilling participants can again lead to incompatibility where once there was compatibility.

But worst is the idea that if people just "work on it" they can overcome anything. Sometimes overcoming growing apart - be it over time or rather quickly - is best done by removing yourself from a situation that is no longer positive, and has little ability to become positive again.

This is where I find religion quite often inserts itself negatively. While I agree with a poster above that regular attendance at religious gatherings does often help a couple share a support network, share common beliefs and similar circles of friends, etc., religion often tells you only divorce or failed marriage is an abomination, and a personal failure requiring lifetime penance. It then follows by labeling that person as an outcast, no longer worthy of the community they had once belonged to.

These are just a few reasons (not to mention physical/substance abuse, and so on) that marriages can fail without it being personal failure. Your assertion does nothing but pile on further stigma to those who have gone through divorce. No one wants their marriage to fail, but when it does, it isn't always personal failure that requires additional shaming from outsiders.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#34

Post by yummyfajitas »

themartorana wrote: post #5

A couple of subjective thoughts - the only two points that don't jive for me are that spending huge amounts on a wedding significantly increase the likelihood of divorce, while having 200+ people at your wedding severely decreases it. It seems likely to me that the amount of people who attend the wedding is insignificant, but it can be a good indicator of the importance of close family and community of friends. The o…

The 200+ person wedding is likely an indicator of a culture with strong family values - most of the 200+ are distant cousins, etc. Such cultures frown on divorce.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#35

Post by zecho »

cm2012 wrote: post #9
stadeschuldt wrote: post #4

Secret of a stable marriage: Invite 200+ attendees to your wedding while keeping the budget below 1000 USD.

Pretty funny. Potluck wedding?

This is kinda funny. Our reception back home (the wedding itself was an extremely intimate thing with only a dozen attendees partly because it was a destination wedding), had well over 300 people, but I think our costs were only about $2,000 for the whole thing, which included the destination ceremony and plane tickets.

My wife and I have close ties to our community, and lots of close friends, and my wife's family is large and tightly knit.

Anyway, a big reason our costs ended up so low was because of the size of the wedding. People donated food, services, time, equipment and everything else. If we simply paid for it all, it probably would have cost closer to an average American wedding.

With gifts, we ended up making money on the wedding. Not much, but enough to start our younger selves off nicely.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#36

Post by emotionalcode »

edw519 wrote: post #19

Lots of data, graphs, and interesting thinking, but what sticks out the most: 881 words about "What makes for a stable marriage" and not one of them is "love". This piece demonstrates two of the most common memes that continue to perpetuate hn: 1. correlation != causation 2. academia != real life I wonder if OP is married and how the joys and challenges of maintaining a stable marriage for many years would have affec…

Of all the things you can objectively measure in the world, I am sure a significant majority would disagree that you can measure love.

It is possible to love someone deeply and still separate. The cause of separation might be out of love.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#37

Post by jasonparker »

themartorana wrote: post #32
smoyer wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"So I'm not sure that religion makes a marriage stronger, it just places a higher degree of shame and stigma on divorce." But perhaps any social pressure that encourages marriage would do the same thing? I've got quite a few friends that have had arranged marriages - they marry strangers and work to build a happy marriage from it because their families expect it. On the other hand, "staying in a bad marriage" is a mi…

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants This is absurd. It's constructed of a series of suppositions, only a few of which I'll address. First is that people are static. This simply isn't true. We all know that we all change - not just in age, wisdom, and so on, but in tastes, politics, religious dedication, and the lines we draw between wrong and right, just to name a few.…

Gotta disagree with you: marriage is a contract, forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live. Divorce means your word is worthless, and that your own wants are more important than your word.

It IS a personal failure, but go ahead, rationalize all you want.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#40

Post by pdpi »

smoyer wrote: post #29
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants Exactly. See, I never worry about myself being selfish, but my biggest fear is that I will get married to someone who just quits caring about me or who "gets bored" (I can't stand that phrase) and leaves me.

I don't like the "gets bored" phrase either ... it's right up there with "he/she changed" (which is a minor variation on "I thought I could changed him/her). "People don't change" is kind of a funny phrase too - there's some truth in it, but I'm certainly not the same person I was when I married over twenty-seven years ago. My wife has changed too - we're not young anymore and yet our love (and devotion) to each othe…

Me and my wife often say about our marriage that neither of us believes in Happily Ever After. There's no such thing as a point at which you stop having to work on the relationship.
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