Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

What makes for a stable marriage?

randalolson.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

21–30 of 142 posts

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#21

Post by lotharbot »

themartorana wrote: post #5

A couple of subjective thoughts - the only two points that don't jive for me are that spending huge amounts on a wedding significantly increase the likelihood of divorce, while having 200+ people at your wedding severely decreases it. It seems likely to me that the amount of people who attend the wedding is insignificant, but it can be a good indicator of the importance of close family and community of friends. The o…

There are a lot of non-spiritual reasons being serious about religion could strengthen a relationship (in this era, being a "regular attender" is a signal of seriousness; in the 50s, maybe not.) It's a shared interest/passion that both people are investing time into, both can participate in, and both can discuss. It gives the couple a lot of friends in common, and a circle of social support. It connects younger folks with older mentors and positive role models -- if your primary childhood example of marriage was a crumbling parental relationship, but you joined my grandparents' church and got to see them interact on a weekly basis, you might develop healthier relationship habits. And yes, it places a stigma on divorce -- and places a huge emphasis on the importance of marriage, so in a way it's like attending a marriage seminar on a regular basis.

Even a religion without any "supernatural" or "unseen" value would still very likely have these effects.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#23

Post by shawnz »

smoyer wrote: post #18
shawnz wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants. I think this is a pretty bold statement. Is it not possible that two people might just never be able to get along with each other, no matter how hard they try?

"I think this is a pretty bold statement" And I'm going to stand by it - I actually believe the statistics presented in the parent post and, would those two people (who "just might never be able to get along with each other") have discovered their incompatibility if they'd dated for more than a couple years?

> would those two people have discovered their incompatibility if they'd dated for more than a couple years?

Of course they would. But we were discussing arranged and religiously motivated marriages, where that opportunity might not be afforded. Is there still "no such thing as a bad marriage" even when you "marry strangers"?

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#24

Post by freditup »

Xcelerate wrote: post #11
smoyer wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"So I'm not sure that religion makes a marriage stronger, it just places a higher degree of shame and stigma on divorce." But perhaps any social pressure that encourages marriage would do the same thing? I've got quite a few friends that have had arranged marriages - they marry strangers and work to build a happy marriage from it because their families expect it. On the other hand, "staying in a bad marriage" is a mi…

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants Exactly. See, I never worry about myself being selfish, but my biggest fear is that I will get married to someone who just quits caring about me or who "gets bored" (I can't stand that phrase) and leaves me.

Not to be a jerk, but if you never worry about yourself being selfish, there's a good chance you're missing something about yourself. I haven't met a human in all my days who has no unnecessary self-centeredness! Going into a marriage completely confident of your own dedication while questioning your partner's won't end well in my opinion.

That being said, I've never met you and have no idea who you are, so don't take this too seriously, just some random advice

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#25

Post by lotharbot »

cm2012 wrote: post #9
stadeschuldt wrote: post #4

Secret of a stable marriage: Invite 200+ attendees to your wedding while keeping the budget below 1000 USD.

Pretty funny. Potluck wedding?

You might be surprised, but it happens pretty regularly. Sure, there are some parts of American culture where you're expected to throw a huge fancy ceremony with a $15,000 dress and a limo and a 7-course meal. But there are parts of American culture where the expected wedding reception is cake and punch, buying a dress on clearance is a mark of pride, and you either drive your own car or borrow a friend's car if yours is well below median crapitude.

Our total wedding expenses weren't quite that low -- 200+ people came in at around $4k, including brunch (it was a mid-morning wedding,) a dress hand-made by the mother of the bride, and rental of a horse-drawn Amish buggy from the farmer next door to the church.

Of course, both "lots of people at the wedding" and "spend little money" signify something -- lots of people signifies a lot of social support, and friends and family who think this is a good idea; spending little money is an indicator that the important part is the life you're making together, without too much emphasis on the initial celebration. (I have read studies to this effect, though it's been a long time and I couldn't now tell you where they were published.)

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#26

Post by peatmoss »

cm2012 wrote: post #9
stadeschuldt wrote: post #4

Secret of a stable marriage: Invite 200+ attendees to your wedding while keeping the budget below 1000 USD.

Pretty funny. Potluck wedding?

That would have been brilliant. Just reached the ten year mark on marriage. Our wedding involved a JP and a local park. Food involved some grilling and various sides we made ourselves. We asked for no presents (donations to charity in our names if they insisted). We had a great time prepping everything, but a pot luck...

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#27

Post by smoyer »

shawnz wrote: post #23
smoyer wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"I think this is a pretty bold statement" And I'm going to stand by it - I actually believe the statistics presented in the parent post and, would those two people (who "just might never be able to get along with each other") have discovered their incompatibility if they'd dated for more than a couple years?

> would those two people have discovered their incompatibility if they'd dated for more than a couple years? Of course they would. But we were discussing arranged and religiously motivated marriages, where that opportunity might not be afforded. Is there still "no such thing as a bad marriage" even when you "marry strangers"?

I don't think we were discussing "religiously motivated" marriages but rather that a shared religion (presumably one that both participants had before the marriage) was an additional social pressure "like" arranged marriages.

In any case, I think that social pressure can be a pretty strong force and that it tends to counteract the sort of selfishness that leads to a "bad marriage". Of course bad marriages will statistically happen but I don't think you can claim the huge number of divorces we're seeing are all "bad marriages" - my premise is that many could be cured if both participants cared to work a bit.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#28

Post by [deleted] »

themartorana wrote: post #5

A couple of subjective thoughts - the only two points that don't jive for me are that spending huge amounts on a wedding significantly increase the likelihood of divorce, while having 200+ people at your wedding severely decreases it. It seems likely to me that the amount of people who attend the wedding is insignificant, but it can be a good indicator of the importance of close family and community of friends. The o…

[deleted]

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#29

Post by smoyer »

Xcelerate wrote: post #11
smoyer wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"So I'm not sure that religion makes a marriage stronger, it just places a higher degree of shame and stigma on divorce." But perhaps any social pressure that encourages marriage would do the same thing? I've got quite a few friends that have had arranged marriages - they marry strangers and work to build a happy marriage from it because their families expect it. On the other hand, "staying in a bad marriage" is a mi…

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants Exactly. See, I never worry about myself being selfish, but my biggest fear is that I will get married to someone who just quits caring about me or who "gets bored" (I can't stand that phrase) and leaves me.

I don't like the "gets bored" phrase either ... it's right up there with "he/she changed" (which is a minor variation on "I thought I could changed him/her).

"People don't change" is kind of a funny phrase too - there's some truth in it, but I'm certainly not the same person I was when I married over twenty-seven years ago.

My wife has changed too - we're not young anymore and yet our love (and devotion) to each other is more multi-faceted because we love who we were together as well as who we are now together.

One piece of advice for the nerds out there ... don't stop doing the things you did when you were wooing him/her. It's easy to say "I've caught him/her" and figure that's the end of the project. Just like in software development, at least 80% of the work is maintenance after release/marriage.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#30

Post by jere »

Xcelerate wrote: post #2

As someone who only sometimes attends church, I wonder why that has a higher risk of divorce than never attending or always attending. Maybe lack of commitment? It's sad how much of a difference money makes. Ideally, money would have no bearing on love or marriage. I'd like to think that if I was well-off (or if my spouse was) and then something disastrous happened, that we would still support each other throughout.…

>As someone who only sometimes attends church, I wonder why that has a higher risk of divorce than never attending or always attending. Maybe lack of commitment?

My speculation is that this could be a sign that the couple disagrees on religion and is unable to reconcile it. One partner might attend sporadically, but they're really not committed to it as you said.

Post reply on HN