What makes for a stable marriage? • Hacker News Board

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#11

Post by Xcelerate » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:10 PM UTC

smoyer wrote: post #8

themartorana wrote: post #5

A couple of subjective thoughts - the only two points that don't jive for me are that spending huge amounts on a wedding significantly increase the likelihood of divorce, while having 200+ people at your wedding severely decreases it. It seems likely to me that the amount of people who attend the wedding is insignificant, but it can be a good indicator of the importance of close family and community of friends. The o…

"So I'm not sure that religion makes a marriage stronger, it just places a higher degree of shame and stigma on divorce." But perhaps any social pressure that encourages marriage would do the same thing? I've got quite a few friends that have had arranged marriages - they marry strangers and work to build a happy marriage from it because their families expect it. On the other hand, "staying in a bad marriage" is a mi…

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants

Exactly. See, I never worry about myself being selfish, but my biggest fear is that I will get married to someone who just quits caring about me or who "gets bored" (I can't stand that phrase) and leaves me.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#12

Post by carsongross » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:11 PM UTC

cm2012 wrote: post #6

Another interesting statistic to add to this: divorce risk increases significantly the more sexual partners you've had before marriage: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.... . However, cohabitation and sex with your eventual spouse before marriage helps your chances. This is all correlation, of course.

Note that the previous sexual partner correlation with divorce is for females only.

Look away! Look away!

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#13

Post by rhiever » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:12 PM UTC

carsongross wrote: post #12

cm2012 wrote: post #6

Another interesting statistic to add to this: divorce risk increases significantly the more sexual partners you've had before marriage: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.... . However, cohabitation and sex with your eventual spouse before marriage helps your chances. This is all correlation, of course.

Note that the previous sexual partner correlation with divorce is for females only. Look away! Look away!

I was very worried until I noticed that. Damn my young adventurous years!

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#14

Post by shawnz » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:12 PM UTC

smoyer wrote: post #8

themartorana wrote: post #5

A couple of subjective thoughts - the only two points that don't jive for me are that spending huge amounts on a wedding significantly increase the likelihood of divorce, while having 200+ people at your wedding severely decreases it. It seems likely to me that the amount of people who attend the wedding is insignificant, but it can be a good indicator of the importance of close family and community of friends. The o…

"So I'm not sure that religion makes a marriage stronger, it just places a higher degree of shame and stigma on divorce." But perhaps any social pressure that encourages marriage would do the same thing? I've got quite a few friends that have had arranged marriages - they marry strangers and work to build a happy marriage from it because their families expect it. On the other hand, "staying in a bad marriage" is a mi…

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants.

I think this is a pretty bold statement. Is it not possible that two people might just never be able to get along with each other, no matter how hard they try?

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#15

Post by cryowaffle » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:14 PM UTC

Xcelerate wrote: post #2

As someone who only sometimes attends church, I wonder why that has a higher risk of divorce than never attending or always attending. Maybe lack of commitment? It's sad how much of a difference money makes. Ideally, money would have no bearing on love or marriage. I'd like to think that if I was well-off (or if my spouse was) and then something disastrous happened, that we would still support each other throughout.…

>> It's sad how much of a difference money makes. Ideally, money would have no bearing on love or marriage. I'd like to think that if I was well-off (or if my spouse was) and then something disastrous happened, that we would still support each other throughout.

Marriage are bonded over factors more than love and people in love get divorces. The money aspect of the study is simply showing that the more money a couple has the less likely non-love factors are able to break up a marriage. Seems completely reasonable to me.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#16

Post by aidos » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:16 PM UTC

themartorana wrote: post #5

A couple of subjective thoughts - the only two points that don't jive for me are that spending huge amounts on a wedding significantly increase the likelihood of divorce, while having 200+ people at your wedding severely decreases it. It seems likely to me that the amount of people who attend the wedding is insignificant, but it can be a good indicator of the importance of close family and community of friends. The o…

On the wedding one, I would have thought that the size of the wedding is possibly more of an indicator of the initial circumstances that anything else. If you were looking at weddings of 200+ people vs weddings without anyone else there you could probably take a fairly good guess that the couples involved are in totally different situations.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#17

Post by nathan_long » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:18 PM UTC

I wonder how many of these factors are causation vs correlation. My guess is that, for example, that eloping doesn't ruin your marriage and having a big wedding doesn't improve it; it's just that people who elope are reflecting the reality that their attitude is "we're in this alone", and people who have a big wedding are reflecting their confidence and their sense that friends' and families' support is important.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#18

Post by smoyer » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:21 PM UTC

shawnz wrote: post #14

smoyer wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"So I'm not sure that religion makes a marriage stronger, it just places a higher degree of shame and stigma on divorce." But perhaps any social pressure that encourages marriage would do the same thing? I've got quite a few friends that have had arranged marriages - they marry strangers and work to build a happy marriage from it because their families expect it. On the other hand, "staying in a bad marriage" is a mi…

> there's not really such a thing as a bad marriage so much as selfish participants. I think this is a pretty bold statement. Is it not possible that two people might just never be able to get along with each other, no matter how hard they try?

"I think this is a pretty bold statement"

And I'm going to stand by it - I actually believe the statistics presented in the parent post and, would those two people (who "just might never be able to get along with each other") have discovered their incompatibility if they'd dated for more than a couple years?

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#19

Post by edw519 » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:22 PM UTC

Lots of data, graphs, and interesting thinking, but what sticks out the most:

881 words about "What makes for a stable marriage" and not one of them is "love".

This piece demonstrates two of the most common memes that continue to perpetuate hn:

1. correlation != causation

2. academia != real life

I wonder if OP is married and how the joys and challenges of maintaining a stable marriage for many years would have affected this post.

Re: What makes for a stable marriage?

#20

Post by randomdata » Sat, Oct 11, 2014, 2:32 PM UTC

stadeschuldt wrote: post #4

Secret of a stable marriage: Invite 200+ attendees to your wedding while keeping the budget below 1000 USD.

When you consider the cash gifts and donations that come along with having a wedding (in the culture I'm exposed to, at least), it's not all that difficult to do in terms of net cost. The article suggests the problem is with the financial burden that comes with that kind of spending, which would not apply if the guests and the community are the ones who end up paying for it.