Depression and feeling like an outsider

Adding to the other comments made, I'd emphasize major depression is a serious illness, every bit as "physical" as other diseases. It's a leading cause of disability worldwide, and affects >8% of the American population any given year. The economic burden of depression in the US is truly staggering: costing the nation nearly $200 billion a year.

Depression often responds to one or more forms of treatment. Medications can often help but significant side effects are a risk. Psychotherapies, CBT and interpersonal therapy have proven effect. Exercise, nutritional factors, light exposure, social support have all been shown to be beneficial to some degree.

The most important thing to do is seek competent help from one or more resources. There is no simple or singular "answer" to a hugely complex problem. There's no recipe or formula that will work the same in any two people.

Treatment has to be "custom fit" for each person, that is the art of medicine in the real world. Finding what works may not be quick or easy, but the effort usually pays off. No cure is promised, but most patients do make progress.

Success may not be easy, but I am stubborn, insist on keeping at it, using every tool at our disposal, and say "it's not a failure until we stop trying".

I've know the feeling of going to conferences and having to be super friendly and way more jovial than you feel is normal just to get conversations going, all the while feeling like a phony inside. I know how it is to have coworkers stop inviting you to lunch after a while not realizing, that from the outside you've been excluded from a 'clique'. I know the feeling of people either thinking you're not friendly and avoiding you, or that you don't know shit and avoiding you, or worse being patronizing to you.

I remember trying to be friendly with everyone and having people kinda just ... ignore me. It hurts and can make you retract into a shell. At work, that makes things worse, because then you get tagged as "not a team player"

It can really really suck, but what you have to do is not let that beat you and make a strong effort to go and find people that you can get along with and cleave closely to them. The gift of the situation is that you can actually get some really close friends, because people that vibe with you probably don't vibe that well with others in your field. They'll probably share the same frustrations and fears as you and they'll look out for you.

So pick your head up and go back out there and do it all over again, don't stop doing what you're doing, but instead of spreading yourself thin trying to befriend everyone, think of yourself as an acquired tast. Be more selective with the people you approach, try to build the deep friendships that will first help you not feel isolated. then from there you can go on to just be yourself, and everything should just work out.

cheers

I've felt the exact same way you describe in this post, but instead of "black", insert "short", "ugly", or any number of excuses I can come up with for why I don't fit in, and people don't like me, and it's not fair, and it's everyone else's fault. Bullshit. People aren't friendly to you because as a severely depressed person, you're probably a real bummer to be around. You probably look awkward, uncomfortable, and generally unapproachable.

You need to stop blaming society for your isolation and start working on shifting your shitty perspective. Some things that have helped me immensely are exercise and mindfulness meditation. Talking about your feelings helps too - as long as the people listening aren't just going to co-sign and feed into the depressive, self-pitying garbage that you're spitting out.

P.S. Feel free to contact me if you want to change.