Depression and feeling like an outsider

The OP actually has an extraordinary amount of what psychiatrists call "insight" concerning his condition. That is to say, he is not only depressed, but knows he is.

It might sound utterly implausible that someone could be clinically depressed and not know it, but I think that's the more common circumstance. People experiencing depression very often can't see that depression is the problem. They think the reason they feel worthless is because they're worthless; the reason they're listless is because they're lazy; the reason they don't want to be around people (when they normally would) is because people don't like them.

So to be able to put a name to this -- to say, "Wait. This isn't right. None of this is normal" is huge step forward. Same goes for mania (which can make you feel euphoric or angry and irritable).

Some never get to the point of realizing that there's something wrong and it's not their fault (any more than having asthma would be their fault). And some of those people die from this potentially deadly illness.

I feel like I can relate very well to your situation. I dropped out of school in Canada when I was 20 to move to San Francisco and start making iPhone apps. I was also addressing my sexuality for the first time. I remember feeling like I showed up to a party I wasn't invited to. I had a pretty tumultuous upbringing filled with abuse and impoverishment. When I moved to SF, everyone I talked to seem to be a straight white dude with a degree from Berkley, Stanford, MIT, or somewhere else along those lines. I fell into a very deep hole of depression and had zero friends for a while. To this day I still feel like an outsider if I let myself.

A lot of my depression was the result of my own learned cognitive behaviors from growing up. Going into therapy and starting antidepressants helped a bit. Things really started to change when I got into Zen meditation and started to become aware of my own thought processes and preconceptions. At the end of the day, you can convince yourself of anything if you want to. We spend a good deal of our time telling ourselves the same stories over and over again to build up our ego identity. I can feel like a total outsider if I fixate on the past and what separates me. I can also feel perfectly content and at home if I let that go and focus on what's happening now and what I can do now. If you didn't belong where you are, you probably wouldn't be there.

I highly recommend building an awareness of your thoughts and pausing when you catch yourself reinforcing your perception of being an outsider. The more you fixate on being an outsider; the more you'll feel like an outsider; the more you'll act like an outsider; the more people will address you like an outsider.

Hope this helps.

Here's a trick that has sometimes helped pull me out of ruts:

Once a day, find three new things to be grateful for or about.

These things don't need to be anything monumental -- the idea is to force yourself to search.

I'll admit that at first, this can feel self-condescending or humiliating -- but bear in mind this is between you and yourself. Treat it like a game; try approaching it tactically. After a few days of trying it, it seemed to work for me. Some studies have found that keeping a journal[1] enhances the effect.

This shouldn't be confused with incessant "positive thinking" (which is generally bad advice[2]). The key difference is that you're not suppressing negative thoughts or trying to "drown them out" with positive ones; it's merely a brief, daily exercise.

Of course, this obviously isn't a cure-all for depression; just another tool for your toolbox. You should seriously consider therapy if you haven't tried it yet.

[1] http://lesswrong.com/lw/i0c/for_happiness_keep_a_gratitude_j...

[2] http://www.forbes.com/sites/janbruce/2013/11/19/how-positive...

or the fountainhead to anyone

For anyone reading this who is prescribed an antidepressants (SSRIs especially, given that they're mentioned by other commenters), please remember that taking them is just the first step in a process you have to be open about with your doctor. Finding the right medication and the proper dosage for you isn't necessarily going to happen at once--there's often a process of trial and error at work. Some can start having an effect within a few days, others might take weeks. And others (SNRIs like Effexor/venlafaxine, for example) are entirely dose-dependent, where the mechanism of action differs radically.

A good doctor will help you manage this, but it's less about finding the perfect medication and more about finding the best balance between benefits and potential side effects. Just don't let yourself get caught up in the notion that the grass is always greener on the other side.