A Long, Ugly Year of Depression That’s Finally Fading

The timeline seems to be matching up where they had this plan for this tool before any of the Google SSL stuff started, so as they started working on the design and UX of it, Google started rolling out the SSL stuff and it basically ruined their idea. Moz ended up adding tools to try and guess what keywords made up your "(not provided)" data but that's a far cry from what they were originally planning.

I'm basing this entirely on being heavily involved in the SEO industry around the times mentioned in Rand's article and having even run a successful SEO SaaS product (which is still going even though I've moved on to other projects). I just remember seeing screenshots of what they wanted to build and thinking "wow, if they can nail this, it will be great". I wanted to build a similar app. But when Google started hiding all organic keyword data in analytics, I distinctly remember saying "Well there goes Moz's whole new product".

Google really fucked the SEO world up with their (not provided) move. Think what you will about SEO but it's still a legitimate marketing channel and I really have never been able to understand why Google thinks it's ok to not share your organic keyword data but your paid keyword data is totally fine to share with site owners.

But not much anyone can do about that now I suppose.

I've got a few good friends, but they are far away. I've still got my family though, but I haven't told them about my depression. I actually have told no one except one friend, who was supportive but didn't really understand what I'm going through. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, since I was a teenager I guess. Something like 10 years. I've also been thinking of suicide for years now, on a weekly, sometimes daily and hourly basis. The biggest problem is that I don't see the purpose of life. Most people will talk about family (children), career, religion... Things that don't work for me. I don't believe in any gods, I don't want any children (who would inevitably inherit my shitty genes) and my career is nowhere near where I would have wanted it to be, to the point that I was better off right out of college because I was mentally more apt then than now that I'm burnt out. (And lost almost all passion for programming)

I probably some form of ADD as well, because I've lost almost all ability to focus when trying to work on programming projects.

Right now I'm far away from home, taking holidays in the sun, and trying new hobbies. But nothing ever seems to stick (including meditation, which I've failed to pick up many times now). I've met people, but ultimately there is always a moment where I'm alone in a room and start wondering what is the point of going through all that. Life is ultimately absurd and we're all gonna die anyway.

Even writing this message feels utterly stupid. It's probably the worse answer that one could write to your message. Usually when I write these kind of messages, I tend to write them and immediately delete them because I feel so silly and pathetic. For once I'm gonna hit the reply button anyway.

I personally suffer from anxiety without depression, so it seems easy for me to tell the difference. An anxiety attack for me is something that comes on very suddenly, leaving me with an overwhelming sense of impending doom. Usually it's a feeling that I'm about to lose control or drop dead right then and there. The thought that often goes through my head is, "oh no, something isn't right, this can't be right, I have to call an ambulance" or "I have to get out of here, now!". When the attack passes, it is followed by feeling extremely jittery, weak and anxious for hours or even days. During the attack, any number of physiological symptoms present, including pounding heart, feeling like I might pass out, wind, diarrhea, feeling weak, etc.

I did suffer from mild and occasional depression when younger. It seemed to be more of a feeling of disappointment with various things in life leading to an extended malaise, but with a chemical origin (brain chemistry). (I think of such episodes as "chemical depression" as opposed to "ordinary depression".)

But because anxiety and depression can often go together, it is not usually so easy to distinguish them.

I read that sunshine and aerobic exercise help with both depression and anxiety (in my case exercise helped more than normal since I used to be overweight; a contributor to my depression at the time).

Treating either depression or anxiety seems to require a multi-pronged approach. Most important in my experience seems to be teaching yourself (or be taught) how to shut down unproductive thought patterns as soon as they occur. They are habits which apparently exacerbate both issues (not necessarily immediately, but cumulatively).

For anxiety, ruthlessly removing sources of anxiety (especially initially) can be helpful in the long run. Being blunt with people and simply telling them what the issues are that are stressing you out, and how much of an impact that is having on you, can help. Bottling up those issues and being unassertive and endlessly constructing "what-if" scenarios before or after the fact, exacerbates the problem.

For anxiety, cut out caffeine and other stimulants. Avoid intense anaerobic stress (e.g. heavy weightlifting or aerobic exercise past the point of exhaustion), which stresses the nervous system. Also keeping the system running smoothly (e.g. modifying your diet for smooth digestive transit and controlling any allergies with standard hayfever antihistamines) seems to substantially lower overall stress levels.

And obviously there are pharmaceutical options if you consult people qualified to dispense them.

At some point you begin to realise you haven't had any real attacks in a while and that you are recovering. That relief in itself helps in the recovery process for anxiety (which I have heard can take months or even years in some individuals).