Suicidal Software Developer

Oh, it sucks. I remember taking acid when dumped by a to-be girlfriend, I feel for you man.

Take a break, as others suggested, but with people. Maybe try changing your environment? I'm not a programmer, but close (well, a copywriter/marketer with humanities background) and noticed that you devs are different when it comes to emotions that other people. Maybe change your environment for a bit?

Working out is a good idea, though I'm not sure about the gym - it's quite solitary anyway! What helped me once was kendo. Roaring for two hours straight, being (gently) commanded by the sensei, lots of sweat and muscle pain made me think differently.

All in all - you can do it! Come back here in a few months and tell us how it turned out!

I think this might be the key to his depression:

    I put up with a lot of startup bullshit...

Stress symptoms don't necessarily manifest themselves immediately. It might be something that happened long time ago (3 - 6 months) surfacing now. And when it is happening, you might not pay attention to it, you might be inclined to overlook. (citation needed)

    50% is not wanting to put others through torment.

This is BS. Committing suicide with certainty and without much pain is hard work. I know, I had done my homework. But a good programmer should be able to come up with better strategies than walking into the traffic.

Besides why do you care? You'll be dead.

    There is no other 40%.

I think the other 40% is because you know subconsciously that you can actually go on. You just don't know how. Still, it's preferable to be alive than dead. Call it will if you like.

I hope he can change his circumstances and get rid of the depression real soon.

+1. I was suicidal and it took me years to work up the energy/courage to go see someone but treatment didn't really start for me until I did.

1) You are important.

2) You deserve to not have to feel this way.

While I havent experienced your pain directly, I appreciate you sharing that with all of us.

Let me tell you something, earlier this year I also saw the end of a relationship I thought was with my partner in life and out of the sudden turns out it was completely not, dreams and plans of many many years shattered in a matter of 2 months.

The effect it had not only was emotional, physical (I was pretty much not eating, not sleeping for many weeks) even showed in the code I write, bugs, crappy code, low productivity. I look back at the commit graphs and there is a HUGE drop during those days, and while that pain still hurts sometimes, I've slowly have been coming out of that 'hole' I was in and what really helped me to get through it was to understand that:

I was suffering because of the idealization I made of the other person and the future I was hoping for. I was not suffering for something that actually happened, nor for the person who she really was (long story: lies etc).

Also to understand that pain is natural, but suffering beyond that is partially a choice (I know it sounds cheesy, but makes sense to me).

So the strength to get out of where you are is in you, really, of course the fun part is to find the circumstances, the strength and sometimes the right people to get you through it.

I know it may be just a small detail in the vast ocean of what you are going through right now, but I wanted to share that little piece of realization that helped me a lot. Thanks for sharing it, and I hope that the comments and input here help to get you some clarity :) bro hug

1) get medical help. This should include a wide range of clinicians - a psychiatrist to diagnose illness and prescribe medication; some kind of psychological therapy (when you're ready); some kind of occupational therapist (to either keep you in work; or rapidly get you back into work). You are in England. This should be both free and high quality, althogh MH services are pushed nationwide and especially in the capital. You can ask your GP about these - or sometimes yu can self-refer. Websearh for your location and terms like "IAPT".

2) many people are not good at listening. You can find free listeners, some of whom hae training. Or you could pay for registered qualified therapists. BACP is one espected registrarion. Sessions should cost less than £50 per hour, although it's easy to spend more than that.

3) do a web search for Location and "social groups" - this should return a lon list of activities you can get involved in tha will introduce you to more people.

Depression and suicidal thing is treatable. Change is possible. But it's important to remember that depression can be a fatal illness, and can shorten a person's life. This isn't just through completed suicide, but through poor health caused by self neglect.