Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

nguonthieng.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

131–140 of 147 posts

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#131

Post by kokey »

jdbernard wrote: post #75
Tyrannosaurs wrote: post #30

"My dear Daughter, Wait for me." Of all the things that might happen, much as we'd like it to be different, I can guarantee that this is one which won't happen. However upsetting it may be now (or looking back in the future), time isn't going to wait for you and all those firsts, all those events and experiences you miss, won't wait and won't happen again. We tell ourselves it isn't a choice but for many of us it is.…

> We tell ourselves it isn't a choice but for many of us it is. Most of us could earn enough money to support our family comfortably in a relatively regular 9 - 5 job. We might not be personally as satisfied and we might not be as financially well off, but we can choose one possible version of our life over another. I'm currently in the 9-5 job and maybe I'm just a whiner, but I feel the same as this guy. I hate the…

Thanks, you actually reminded me why I am doing this. I'm working harder than I've ever worked, but the influence and autonomy that I have over my side of the business and the rapid changes I am a part of beats a 9-5 in many ways. I have also just worked out I might be working more hours in this startup, but I spend the same amount of time away from home as I did in my 9-5.

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#132

Post by __abc »

Tyrannosaurs wrote: post #30

"My dear Daughter, Wait for me." Of all the things that might happen, much as we'd like it to be different, I can guarantee that this is one which won't happen. However upsetting it may be now (or looking back in the future), time isn't going to wait for you and all those firsts, all those events and experiences you miss, won't wait and won't happen again. We tell ourselves it isn't a choice but for many of us it is.…

I work in a rapid growing startup that requires more than 8 hours a day and I have two young children. My priorities are 1 - Children 2 - Marriage 3 - Living arrangements / lifestyle (sans work) 4 - Career (but I take my career VERY seriously, I've been an executive for 9 years and I'm 33) My routine 1 - Alarm goes off at 4:30 am 2 - I pickup around the house, toss in laundry as needed 3 - Catch the 5:45 am train to be into the office roughly @ 6:15 am 4 - I leave the office @ 5:30 pm to catch the 5:50 pm train to be home roughly @ 6:15 pm 5 - I play with the kids 6 - We then eat dinner together as a family 7 - I bathe and put both kids to bed around 7:30 - 8:00 pm 8 - I help pick up the rest of my house with my wife, it usually ends @ 8:30 pm (we talk a lot while doing this) 9 - My wife and I sit down on the couch/porch/etc and hang out for a few hours while I also work 10 - I'm usually in bed by 11 - 11:30 pm If I have more work to do that evening I might have my laptop out while hanging out with my wife or stay up later. This is usually 4 nights out of the week. Things that shift to "once in a while" given my priorities 1 - A full 8 hours of sleep 2 - Seeing that television show 3 - Seeing that movie 4 - Random nights out with friends 5 - Etc These simply just take a back seat. Things I never miss, and spend as much time with as someone working a standard 9-5 (although I do head into the office earlier than most) 1 - My kids (first and foremost) 2 - My wife 3 - My house 4 - My career and type of company I appreciate being involved with To me, I keep the things that matter most and give up things that I found out I didn't really need (for context, I never really watched a lot of television). This schedule works for me and I end up working 10 hours a day and never miss a beat with my kids. PS. I also about twice a day, for 5 minutes, FaceTime with my wife/kids while at work. It's a nice break and a chance for me to see them during the day given I miss them in the morning.

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#133

Post by VuongN »

laureny wrote: post #108

It's a bit of a disturbing read for a couple of reasons: - Going to an early stage start up as a young father is not a sacrifice, it's a selfish act. You are thinking more about yourself and what you want to do (and not do) rather than what's best for your family. Hate the idea of a 9-to-5 job? Well, suck it: the regular hours and clockwork and guaranteed paycheck will go a long way toward making your family more sta…

I wrote this during a very tough run at the startup. Perhaps let me share a little bit more so that is it in context.

First and foremost, most credits, indeed go to my wife and family. The reason why I didn't mention my wife in this piece other than "You’re the only cool shade in the hottest of days/For a weary soul/that your Mother saved many years ago" is because this was a letter to my daughter. This piece was part of a collection of my thoughts from last year (when I was thirty) and I did thank my wife and family when I publish it: http://vuongnguyen.com/thirty-ba-muoi.html.

I'm 31 last month and I've been with my wife for 11 years now. We're best friends in many way and we support each other in our own dreams. Before my daughter was born, I was mostly doing consulting. I made sure I spent time walking and taking care of my wife. I made it a point to never miss a doctor appointment or any pregnancy/childbirth classes we have together. I really appreciated every step of the way.

Then my daughter was born, I stopped accepting new clients (as mentioned in the piece). Spent time with my wife and newborn. Then I stayed home for another three months with my daughter so my wife could return to work.

When I joined the startup, after much discussion and encouragement from my wife, I also made a promise to never miss any doctor appointment. That is still true. I feel blessed that I was able to afford much flexibility with my family and I never take it for granted. I know many other folks who go through a much more difficult time.

I think there is much more I could do and of course I'll continue to do my very best to be a good person every day. This was written as a personal thought and shared because I wanted to feel for myself and others, that we are not sitting alone on that home-bound train, if that makes any sense.

I hope that clarifies things a bit more.

-V.

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#134

Post by VuongN »

josefresco wrote: post #12

There is no amount of money that can make up for missing dinner times, bed times, play times and even bad times that you experience with your kids. Don't fool yourself into thinking "once I get this right, I'll have all the time in the world to spend with my kids". This will never happen, and if it does it will be too late to form that close bond, and share your life with your kids. I'm in to work (my own business) a…

If you can drop the stress at the office after 5PM, I think you should be feel blessed and I'm very happy for you.

I generally try to not miss dinner, but I have a rule that I go by, which is I never ask my colleagues to do what I was not willing to do myself.

Even if I spend all the time with my daughter, I never think it's enough. This was written when I made a decision to do both: be the best father I could and be the best professional at my job; when I did that, the only solution was to cut down on my sleeping time.

It was taxing on my body and one night on the way back on the train, I wrote this piece thinking about my daughter. I shared it because I didn't think I was the only one riding that home-bound train. I've been receiving personal messages telling me how much they appreciated me putting their feelings into words. That's when I knew I was definitely not riding that train by myself.

By the way, I left work early yesterday to take my daughter to the park yesterday. She was quite happy :)

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#135

Post by VuongN »

karmajunkie wrote: post #6
VuongN wrote: post #2

A couple of friends from the HN community & IRC helped edit this piece. Just thought I'd share with others as well.

It's a beautiful piece. I well remember that same feeling. I've been meaning for some time to write a piece about what my "startup dedication" (more accurately, my workaholism) cost me: friends, divorce (and a lot of money with that one), self respect, peace of mind... Always seem to have a difficult time finding the words. It's good that you found your own words, but know when to say when. It doesn't have to be this…

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I hope you have or will find your words and your own happiness. Take care.

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#136

Post by VuongN »

kokey wrote: post #20
VuongN wrote: post #2

A couple of friends from the HN community & IRC helped edit this piece. Just thought I'd share with others as well.

It certainly resonates with me. Co founder of a bootstrapped startup with a 7 month old son, and office far away from friends or family. I'm working many more hours per week than I've worked anywhere else over my 20 year career, because I want to have it all: to live close to friends and family and have more free time for both.

Good luck! I think we all share a dream of having the ability to control Time to satisfy our thirst for creativity and at the same time take care of our love ones. Here's to dreaming, right?! :)

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#137

Post by VuongN »

Killah911 wrote: post #110
justinpaulson wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Settle down guy, people are just discussing their feelings about the situation. People do get on forums and discuss episodes of silicon valley after they have aired, and they discuss it with their friends/coworkers in real life. Are these comments not the appropriate place to voice our feelings/insights/experiences with the subject of the post??

feelings/insights/experiences are fine. Comments were condemning the author for staying at work till 2am.... that's just plain crazy to me. I wouldn't be surprised if he took some creative licenses and that's totally OK to do in a poem. I'm just glad that he shared a work of art which is relevant to our community. If it evokes emotions, reflections, that's fine... If we look at it as a blog post asking us to solve hi…

I wrote this on the home-bound train one night during a tough time with the startup. I assured you, no creative license here. The hours were pretty brutal on a couple of occasions. I made sure that everything is well supported at home first though.

I wrote this because I honestly was missing my daughter a lot and hope that capture that feeling and put it into words. I do my best to take care of my family and express my care to my love ones.

I think at the end of the day, we're all engineers, hackers, lovers etc. and it's our nature to solve anything that seems like a problem coming our way. This is why I decided to share it with everyone. Because I know that home-bound train, I wasn't by myself and there were others who were on it with me.

Thank you for your kind words to me. I am flattered and somewhat embarrassed when you call it "arts" though. I'm shy! I don't even call it poem because I didn't want to offend those who truly dedicate themselves to the craft. I'm simply a convert who wanted to share a feeling I captured.

Take care.

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#139

Post by jdbernard »

japhyr wrote: post #100
jdbernard wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> We tell ourselves it isn't a choice but for many of us it is. Most of us could earn enough money to support our family comfortably in a relatively regular 9 - 5 job. We might not be personally as satisfied and we might not be as financially well off, but we can choose one possible version of our life over another. I'm currently in the 9-5 job and maybe I'm just a whiner, but I feel the same as this guy. I hate the…

Having a job you hate is not beneficial to you or your family in the long run, other than keeping food on the table. You don't want to look around the day your kids leave the house and feel like you have lost yourself completely, and no one in your family wants to see that either. Have you started to look for other work? It's not easy to throw a job search on top of everything else on your plate, but if it gives you…

I agree, and I've done that. In the last 5 years I have been at 4 different jobs. Life-work balance, technical competence, and competitive compensation, choose two. That about sums up my experience in that timeframe. I've only been in my current position for 8 months, so on the one hand I feel like I shouldn't bail this quickly. On the other hand, man have things changed from the impression I had when I started.

I have looked at other jobs, and I'm thinking about picking up the search again, especially given the volume of mail I get from recruiters. Basically though I have given up on finding a job that matches what I want out of life. I feel a bit ungrateful because there is so much opportunity out there. People with our skills are in high demand. But after the last few years I have decided that the only reliable way to find a company that values what I value is to create it myself.

Re: How I Feel as Young Father Involved in Early-stage Startup

#140

Post by justinpaulson »

silverbax88 wrote: post #119
justinpaulson wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"if you focus you can probably get three times as much done in an hour." This part makes no sense to me. Why can I produce 3x as much work in an hour at a startup because I "focus"? I think that's a bit of a stretch.

It's absolutely true. I work less now and get far more done (I would say more than 3x) of what I did when I was pulling 7-days-a-week work marathons. People waste lifetimes thinking they are working hard but are really just puttering around. It's been stated by authors (I mentioned Tony Shwartz in another comment and I highly recommend his book) but I offer this analogy: Consider you are standing next to a roaring ri…

I'm not saying that focus isn't a key to improved productivity. My question is, what does it have to do with being at a startup? His argument is that focusing AT A STARTUP can make you 3x more productive...it makes no sense. Focus alone can make you more productive, I don't see why the setting of a startup changes that multiplier.
Post reply on HN