How to become a Good Theoretical Physicist

When I was a child I wanted to become an astronaut. But from the age of 8 or 9 onwards I was always a fat kid, and fat kids can't become astronauts, so I quickly buried this dream and stayed the fat kid, instead of becoming lean and pursuing it. Don't get me wrong: I never had much problem with being the fat kid besides that. There was almost no bullying, I had friends, got a girlfriend (later) and everything. The point is, I buried the specific dream of becoming an astronaut but I was still fascinated by technology, computers and science. And dinosaurs, like every proper kid in the 90ies. I was always a lazy kid. Lazy, but with good to very good grades. (That's the other part of the problem.) I may have suffered early from the challanges of being gifted; though it is possible that I only was ahead of my classmates because I was 1 year older, because of my day of birth - I doubt myself a lot nowadays. So after primary school I got only sent to the "Realschule", it's the middle layer in the german school system, not the Gymnasium where you are on track for the abitur (the diploma to enter universities). Everything was pretty easy there, I never had to practice, never did my homework and had always good to very good grades. Except in French. For French I would have had to practice, memorize words and do the homework but i could not bring myself to do it.

During my time at the realschule I was interested in almost everything. Being it physics, history, politics, computers, etc. I wanted to understand every aspect of the world. I read books by Gell-Mann, Feynman, Hawking an others in the physics field, same for history, politics, computers and aspects of math, but already at this time, I never went too deep (this may be the third part of the problem). But I intended to go to a gymnasium (with a technical profile) after the Realschule and study physics after that. In 9th and 10th grade I developed an additional interest in economics.

I went to a gymnasium with an economic profile, instead of the technological one; for various reasons, my interest in economy played a role, but also that the girl I had a crush on went there and all in all it was the most convenient choice. There I did well in every subject except spanish. I almost never learned, I almost never did homework. I was still one of the best and considered very smart by everyone. So probably not the age.

During this time I got engaged in politics (a local chapter of a party), more involved with the voluntary firefighters of my home village. This is about to become important. I also noticed that I struggle with the more complex math (integral calculus), not so much because of the concepts, but because I didn't train it enough. So I figured physics may not be the right thing for me and neither computer science. I was pretty arrogant at that time and also decided for myself that I only want to attend a "real" university, and not a university of applied science (Fachhochschule). The other factor was that I did not want to leave my home town because of the firefighters and the party and because I did not want to ask my parents for the money to pay rent in another city when I can study in the next city and live at home.

So I decided to go for Economics at the university. I figured the math can't be that bad. After the first year it became apparent that I'm going to fail, I also had never made a lot of contacts with other students (I had a 1+ hour public transport commute each way every day) to learn together and motivate me, and later I was ashamed to talk with anybody about it.In the end I switched subjects to law (I lied to myself that I'm interested in it). This way I could stay at the same university, I did not even tell my parents at first, though everybody else knew. All the time I was still interested in everything (even economics), and quickly felt that I may get problems diving deeper into law topics. I began to become a bit depressed and anxious to even enter the university. One day the new semester started and I could not bring myself to enter the lecture hall. I phoned my girlfriend and said to her: "I can't enter the lecture hall. This has to end." Finally I felt free and she felt free too, because she had felt that something wasn't right with me, but was afraid to ask, because my reactions can be horrible.

I started to look for alternatives. I figured that it's time to leave the university, I did not want to try anything else at the university (it would have been computer science) for fear of failing again. So I decided to apply for vocational training as a programmer (this is a thing in germany.) I had luck, it was early in 2008 before the economy crashed and burned, so I quickly found a spot. I got the job, did the training and work now as a business software developer, doing ABAP developement in some of our companies SAP systems for several years now. Sometimes it's fun and it enables my lifestyle of buying fancy stuff and clothes and huge steaks. Sometimes I'm bored to hell and want to do "real programming", though. I procrastinate a lot during my job, but I usually finish in time, because when I need to I can be very fast, and occassionally deadlines get pushed back, so I am lucky and am not late. I learned the valuable skill of "asking for help". At least sometimes I am able to. I still have the fear that other may notice that I'm not so smart and don't know stuff I'm supposed to know.

I have Ideas but I don't pursue them. Because I don't know everything. I can't think them through and suddenly there is the next idea or interest. I noticed a few things in the last years. I can only learn (or bring myself to learn) if i have a real task. Abstract learning is very difficult for me, I search for distractions and excuses. Those tasks need to be given to me from someone else, because I can't give myself tasks, because if I give myself I task I can cancel it by myself. When I begin to dive into a topic, being it maths, or economics, or puzzles, I tend to stop at the first obstacle, if it is not the most exciting thing in the world.

I think I am stuck with programming software, and I think that's fine. But even in this field I have troubles rooting in everything described above.

And there is still the love for physics somewhere deep in me. But I simply can't pursue it. For all those reasons.

So my problems are: 1. I still don't know what I really want. 1.1. I want everything 1.2. I want it now. 2. I need to know everything before I continue, decide, 2. I don't want to give up, what I already achieved 3. Good enough is often good enough for me, I can't force myself to go on and further 4. I never learned to ask for help. 5. I avoid conflicts 6. I never learned to cooperate in education 7. I have been lucky too often. 8. I can't stay focused except under high external pressure 9. My mind may not be best suited for the symbolic language of math. (that's what I think) 10. Nowadays I doubt if I am really smart 11. ?

I could continue for another hour, but this text alreadyis an incoherent mess.

Edit: And I turn 30 next months. I increasingly get the feel that I'm too old for anything now.

"This, and much more, she accepted - for after all living did mean accepting the loss of one joy after another, not even joys in her case - mere possibilities of improvement. She thought of the endless waves of pain that for some reason or other she and her husband had to endure; of the invisible giants hurting her boy in some unimaginable fashion; of the incalculable amount of tenderness contained in the world; of the fate of this tenderness, which is either crushed, or wasted, or transformed into madness; of neglected children humming to themselves in unswept corners; of beautiful weeds that cannot hide from the farmer and helplessly have to watch the shadow of his simian stoop leave mangled flowers in its wake, as the monstrous darkness approaches." ― Vladimir Nabokov, Signs and Symbols