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Do Men Suck At Friendship?

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Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#61

Post by pmorici »

I don't think men are bad at friendship I do think it takes more for them to develop the kind of deep friendship between men that the article laments are missing. I have a handful of good friends who mostly live in different cities now but we still keep in touch and make a point to get together whenever we cross paths. These all came out of things like high school cross country or roommates over several years. Point being I think there needs to be a strong shared experience over several years for men to get to that point.

The sorts of things described in the article usually don't run deep enough or last long enough to cultivate a longer lasting friendship.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#62

Post by EC1 »

victorhooi wrote: post #20

This article really resonates with me. Many of my male friendships do seem to resonate around convenience (i.e. we help each other) or activities. If you take that away...I'm unsure what the depth is. This could just be me though. I do have friendships with females who are nothing like me, which are more around just...fun/chatting/hanging out. But either way, friendships do take work/effort - and sometimes you need t…

I find what matters most in my friendships is being on the same page in terms of mindset, because then anything is enjoyable. I'm a social guy, I have lots of "friends", but I really only have three TRUE friends. I called my buddy up (one of the three) that I haven't seen for 2 years, nothing was awkward, talked for a few hours like nothing happened, all because we never changed who we were.

All three of my friends have completely different stances on various topics, topics that usually divide people, in terms of subjects like religion and politics. The thing is, even though we don't agree on much of anything really, we take pleasure in endlessly bantering between one another and "fighting" our opinions. At the end of the day though, nobody is hurt. You always end up learning something new, or exploring some other outlook.

The key is to be friends with mentally strong people. Friends that are open to whatever, whenever.

I hate being friends with people who have defined things that they like, or don't like, for no real reason. My friends and I's take on life is that the only thing that truly matters are relationships, everything else is mainly either a vehicle for fun, or to support yourself, so doing things isn't a struggle because nobody holds any personal or cultural bias against anything.

We like exploring things just by virtue of curiosity and it's nearly always a fun experience.

Just plain old hanging out like as if we were kids.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#63

Post by Omniusaspirer »

wsxcde wrote: post #48
sumedh wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you speak for all Indians? This also happens in India and has nothing to do with western culture.

It's certainly easier to make friends in India. I used to do it effortlessly when I was there and I never felt lonely at all. Here it just seems harder to make friends. Part of it might just be that there are fewer people so you're less likely to find someone with whom you connect. And the other thing might be that a lot of interactions are so much more impersonal here. I haven't lived there in years but I know many…

A lot of this stuff is very dependent on the person I feel, the hair stylist I always went to (living in the US) was incredibly on top of what all of her customers were up to. There were even times she'd mention things my parents had told her about that my parents hadn't even thought to mention to me since they didn't deem it important. It's all anecdotal of course, but figured I'd chime in.

Speaking more broadly on your first paragraphs I feel that my ability to make new friends has really changed as I've aged. As a kid I had tons of friends and people I'd talk to, leaving for college I also met and got to be friends with new people. Now living on my own in a new city as a self employed single male I'm finding it really difficult to make friends. Or perhaps difficult isn't the right way to word it...I think it's more fair to say it requires very real effort now. I simply don't meet people unless I make a conscious effort to do so and the grocery store isn't a very conducive location for making friends.

Everyone I talk to is friendly, but I seemingly never got very good at turning "friendly" into friendships. I still have old friends that I make a point of keeping up with and talking to regularly, but without normal social obligations in my life it's tricky for me to break that invisible wall (if you will). Curious stuff.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#64

Post by namuol »

All my long-term friends are women. The closest are ex-lovers or best-friends lovers/ex-lovers. Most of our banter is about relationships and general angst. Many I only see maybe once or twice a year, but talk regularly online or over the phone.

But even before I had any romantic history, most of my friends were girls.

Nearly all of my male friends have drifted, but I have female friends from highschool that I still talk to pretty regularly.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#65

Post by cdr »

cperciva wrote: post #60
cdr wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I really hope I'm missing some sarcasm there.

It was a quote from 'When Harry met Sally', but a study recently backed it up: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant...

176 teenagers... what an impressive study.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#66

Post by Omniusaspirer »

pabb wrote: post #30

I had an issue with this while finishing up classes at school, although I understand being a college student isn't really the main demographic for this article. I had a group of friends that I met with only through convenience (we were all in the same fraternity, and then I quit). After some time, one of the guys made a multi-way text/chat group on WhatsApp and it gave us all an opportunity to bullshit amongst each o…

Adding onto this:

Set up a Teamspeak or similar voice server. Like the guy above I'm only in my lower 20's at this point but it's the single best move I've made in maintaining friendships with people I'm no longer physically close to. My friends know that they can hop in any time they want and we can have a great time chatting or playing a game together.

I think the more accessible you make it to keep in touch the better off your relationships will be, but there's no getting around the simple fact that friendships require effort from both parties to maintain.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#67

Post by ajuc »

te_chris wrote: post #21
ashwinaj wrote: post #15

Yeah this is clearly a American issue. It's certainly not true in Asian/South Asian countries, sure we lose touch with friends but whenever we meet there is an instant and unmistakable bond. When I moved to the US, I couldn't understand why Americans were so "distant". I don't have the same friendships with them as I do with others. Sad but true.

Anecdotally, I've noticed this when I'm in America. Everyone is normally outwardly very friendly, but there's always the feeling that they don't give a shit about the encounter you're having and they're only even talking to you out of some perverse sense of politeness. It was even more strange for me because often our conversations would be relatively honest and about somewhat personal topics (not just the weather, w…

I think part of this is bad translation, at least that's the case with Polish-English translation. Word "friend" is usually translated as "przyjaciel", but it really should be translated as "znajomy" or at most "kumpel", and "przyjaciel" should be translation of "best f*ing friend".

You couldn't possible have 20 "przyjaciel"s and spend enough time with them to keep the relationship alive. Same with BFFs. You can easily have 50 "kumpel"s and same with friends.

Keeping this mistranslation in mind I think European (or at least Polish) culture isn't much different from American regarding friendship.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#68

Post by LoganCale »

I have both male and female friends, but all my closest friends these days are male. This wasn't always the case, though. I used to have a lot more female friends, and I guess now it's shifted the other way. I haven't personally noticed any sort of difference between genders that makes one better suited for friendship over the other...

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#69

Post by icebraining »

cperciva wrote: post #49
sardonicbryan wrote: post #37

As a male with more close female confidants/friends than male, I find it interesting that this article in no way acknowledged the possibility of a platonic male/female friendship.

Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

What an heteronormative thing to say.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#70

Post by yummyfajitas »

sumedh wrote: post #34
thewarrior wrote: post #31

This doesn't happen in India. This is a purely western phenomenon.

Do you speak for all Indians? This also happens in India and has nothing to do with western culture.

As an American who is currently in India, I absolutely think this has to do with western culture. It really is easier forming close friendships here. I came back after being gone for a couple of years and it almost feels like I never left.

India is a more difficult in terms of meeting people (except at work), but once you do, close friendships are far closer to the norm.

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