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Do Men Suck At Friendship?

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Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#41

Post by zhemao »

te_chris wrote: post #21
ashwinaj wrote: post #15

Yeah this is clearly a American issue. It's certainly not true in Asian/South Asian countries, sure we lose touch with friends but whenever we meet there is an instant and unmistakable bond. When I moved to the US, I couldn't understand why Americans were so "distant". I don't have the same friendships with them as I do with others. Sad but true.

Anecdotally, I've noticed this when I'm in America. Everyone is normally outwardly very friendly, but there's always the feeling that they don't give a shit about the encounter you're having and they're only even talking to you out of some perverse sense of politeness. It was even more strange for me because often our conversations would be relatively honest and about somewhat personal topics (not just the weather, w…

What exactly gave you the impression that people were waiting for you to excuse them?

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#42

Post by ryanklee »

Yeah, and/or people are totally fucked on average when it comes to sustaining deep, long-lasting relationships. Go figure. That shit is hard. Hard. Like: fulfillment, actualization, self-discipline, happiness, etc., etc.

Do men suck at friendship? Of course. Just like they suck at vying w/ their own mortality. It's hardly a gender thing.

Start with a better narrative and you'll end up with a better answer.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#43

Post by hosh »

te_chris wrote: post #21
ashwinaj wrote: post #15

Yeah this is clearly a American issue. It's certainly not true in Asian/South Asian countries, sure we lose touch with friends but whenever we meet there is an instant and unmistakable bond. When I moved to the US, I couldn't understand why Americans were so "distant". I don't have the same friendships with them as I do with others. Sad but true.

Anecdotally, I've noticed this when I'm in America. Everyone is normally outwardly very friendly, but there's always the feeling that they don't give a shit about the encounter you're having and they're only even talking to you out of some perverse sense of politeness. It was even more strange for me because often our conversations would be relatively honest and about somewhat personal topics (not just the weather, w…

That's how I see it, though I've also learned there is value in just chit chatting.

In my mind, those folks are classified as "acquaintances", not friends. These are folks you might be friendly to, but if you are not willing to, say, take them to the hospital because they are injured, or take them in because they are on the run and someone is after them, are they really friends?

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#44

Post by saraid216 »

Well, if anything, the article concludes that men suck at gossip. Which is a little disappointing if true. Gossip has its insidious bits, but it was also the best carrier of information before things like internet forums and news aggregators.

There are studies that show things like health and job-finding happen along second-degree links. Friends of friends, that is, or in other words, the gossip space. Things like, "Oh, I hear Joe quit smoking" or "Oh, I hear Sam is looking for a new executive" and so on are gossip. So is "So it turns out Jay is allergic to chocolate", which tells you don't give any chocolate to Jay.

So, Mr. Duane? A suggestion? Tell your wife about how Matt reacted to biking through that one area. Or how goofy he looked when he finished taking apart the wall. Give her a connection to him, even if it's viewed entirely through your perspective. These are touchstones for her to help you maintain your friendship with him, too. Yeah, sure, you want to make sure he's okay with this. Don't gossip behind his back, or reveal things he wants to remain confidential. But she obviously knows what you're doing together; share details.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#45

Post by dang »

abandonliberty wrote: post #13
dang wrote: post #5

Can anyone suggest a better title? This one is pretty linkbaity.

Actually quite appropriate, since the data set doesn't answer the question. I think we could make it more linkbaity. Men: You're shitty friends, and it's killing you

Good lord. You're good at that. Please don't do it often :)

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#46

Post by dang »

nlh wrote: post #14
dang wrote: post #5

Can anyone suggest a better title? This one is pretty linkbaity.

Indeed. But it is the title of the article, no? Otherwise, maybe "The Male Deficit Model"? (which, I suppose, is linkbaity in its own way)

> But it is the title of the article

The HN guidelines call for changing titles that are misleading or linkbait, and we do that all the time. But I can't think of a better one here. I guess we'll leave it as is.

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#48

Post by wsxcde »

sumedh wrote: post #34
thewarrior wrote: post #31

This doesn't happen in India. This is a purely western phenomenon.

Do you speak for all Indians? This also happens in India and has nothing to do with western culture.

It's certainly easier to make friends in India. I used to do it effortlessly when I was there and I never felt lonely at all. Here it just seems harder to make friends. Part of it might just be that there are fewer people so you're less likely to find someone with whom you connect.

And the other thing might be that a lot of interactions are so much more impersonal here. I haven't lived there in years but I know many of the shopkeepers who operate near my parents house in India and we always catch up and chat a bit when I visit. The supermarket here is a merry-go-round of high school kids and other temporary workers. There's no connection to be made at all.

Ashwin's story upthread about people seeming to be very friendly and then forgetting who you are really resonated with me. There was this lady who gave me haircut a year or two ago. We chatted quite a bit, I told her where I studied and what I worked on (somewhat unusual for me because I'm very private). She told me he was doing a master's degree at a nearby university, lived in a nearby town and I think we even talked politics for a bit! I felt like we had at least established an acquaintance and I gave her a $5 tip on a $10 haircut. And the next time I went there she had completely forgotten me! I understand their profession requires them to be friendly, but I did feel a let down. :-/

Re: Do Men Suck At Friendship?

#49

Post by cperciva »

sardonicbryan wrote: post #37

As a male with more close female confidants/friends than male, I find it interesting that this article in no way acknowledged the possibility of a platonic male/female friendship.

Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
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