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The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

boss.blogs.nytimes.com

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Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#61

Post by incision »

>”Every time he sees a pitch, he waits until the end of the presentation before asking the entrepreneurs to go back through the deck and point out every lie they have just told.”

This isn’t honesty so much as self-righteousness.

>"If you are reading this post and thinking, “This doesn’t apply to me — I never lie,” you are probably lying to yourself."

Same deal here.

I find this to be the most frustrating part of practicing honesty - dealing with people who project their own present or past failure to practice it onto everyone else. Sure, some people never figure this out, but others will grasp it long before the mid-30s epiphany the author is relating.

There’s probably some eloquent quote or bit of game theory that sums that up better than I can, but I’ll try and say this “You’re working against the practice of honesty to assume dishonesty from everyone else. “

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#62

Post by crusso »

furyg3 wrote: post #22

During my studies (conflict resolution), I had the opportunity to ask several mediators and negotiators who had worked on high-profile political cases about lying. It occurred often, but was by far the least favorite item in the toolbox of a negotiator. Many would rather make emotional / moral appeals to the opposing side than lie. Not because it wasn't effective (in some cases it could be quite effective), but becau…

Then again, in Poker, honesty is not really a winning strategy.

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#63

Post by htns »

incision wrote: post #61

>”Every time he sees a pitch, he waits until the end of the presentation before asking the entrepreneurs to go back through the deck and point out every lie they have just told.” This isn’t honesty so much as self-righteousness. >"If you are reading this post and thinking, “This doesn’t apply to me — I never lie,” you are probably lying to yourself." Same deal here. I find this to be the most frustrating part of prac…

Psychological tests reduce your points on honesty if you say yes to "I never lie"

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#64

Post by ronaldx »

baddox wrote: post #32

Maybe my memory is bad, or perhaps I'm subconsciously "lying to myself," but I don't think I lie anywhere near as often as the author believes she and other people do, even about tiny things.

I'd be surprised if you don't tell small lies in 'conversational mode'.

In natural speech, people generally make simplifications that edge towards oversimplification, or omissions that could be considered misleading if the omission is not fully understood by both parties, or false statements just because of a personal misconception (perhaps only realised later). That's a natural part of communicating at a reasonable speed.

Eliminating those occasions takes real effort towards communicating well.

Perhaps you don't consider those "lying" as such, because they're not deliberate attempts to mislead. But the boundary between these and deliberate "lying" is blurred. Your motivation for communicating with these shortcuts is a deliberate choice that is worth reconsidering occasionally.

If you can avoid those white-type lies 100% of the time, I applaud you. I don't think it's easy and few people manage it.

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#66

Post by deltaqueue »

I deal with this everyday selling software, and it's much more complex than being truthful and lying.

My job as a technical consultant to our sales staff is to bridge the gap between needs assessment and salesmanship. I have a 0 tolerance policy about lying during sales (I have to be to keep our sales guys from making false promises), but I struggle with finding that delicate balance between the truth, focusing on what's important to a prospect, and the manner in which you talk about capabilities you don't have. You cannot simply tell a prospect you don't have a feature if they don't actually need it because there's a lot of psychology at play. A competitor told them they needed that feature so you now have to mitigate their concerns. You essentially need to find a way to be truthful while simultaneously transferring emphasis to your selling points or to their needs.

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#67

Post by Perceval »

3minus1 wrote: post #53

I often feel like always telling the truth is the result of privilege. And that people who are more insecure for whatever reasons have much more cause to lie. That being said, I have very little patience for colleagues who lie about work-related knowledge. It's a huge waste of time.

> I often feel like always telling the truth is the result of privilege.

Maybe, but the converse seems to also be supported: that ease in lying is the result of privilege: http://mors.haas.berkeley.edu/papers/Carney.HowPowerCorrupts...

If both the ability to lie frequently and/or tell the truth as a rule are the result of privilege, what explanatory effect does privilege have?

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#68

Post by forgottenpass »

deltaqueue wrote: post #66

I deal with this everyday selling software, and it's much more complex than being truthful and lying. My job as a technical consultant to our sales staff is to bridge the gap between needs assessment and salesmanship. I have a 0 tolerance policy about lying during sales (I have to be to keep our sales guys from making false promises), but I struggle with finding that delicate balance between the truth, focusing on wh…

I struggle with finding that delicate balance between the truth ...

Oh, so you lie, but lie by omission? Or one of the other forms of lying we tend to morally wallpaper over? I don't see how else to read that because you said your goal was to avoid making false promises, not to avoid "bending" the truth.

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#69

Post by allochthon »

deltaqueue wrote: post #66

I deal with this everyday selling software, and it's much more complex than being truthful and lying. My job as a technical consultant to our sales staff is to bridge the gap between needs assessment and salesmanship. I have a 0 tolerance policy about lying during sales (I have to be to keep our sales guys from making false promises), but I struggle with finding that delicate balance between the truth, focusing on wh…

It's one thing to have a product that will meet a customer's needs and make them happy and to not say anything during initial discussions that will present a distraction or needlessly turn them off. It's another to say something misleading or to elide a detail that is material, which the customer will reluctantly suffer later on, in order to close a deal. It seems to me that modern sales organizations have incentives perfectly calibrated to do just these things. This situation corrodes trust.

Re: The Surprisingly Large Cost of Telling Small Lies

#70

Post by efsavage »

forgottenpass wrote: post #68
deltaqueue wrote: post #66

I deal with this everyday selling software, and it's much more complex than being truthful and lying. My job as a technical consultant to our sales staff is to bridge the gap between needs assessment and salesmanship. I have a 0 tolerance policy about lying during sales (I have to be to keep our sales guys from making false promises), but I struggle with finding that delicate balance between the truth, focusing on wh…

I struggle with finding that delicate balance between the truth ... Oh, so you lie, but lie by omission? Or one of the other forms of lying we tend to morally wallpaper over? I don't see how else to read that because you said your goal was to avoid making false promises, not to avoid "bending" the truth.

If a 5 year old child asks you if he will be killed by pirates (yes this has really happened to me), would you say no? If so, you're lying, but I don't think there is any "moral wallpaper" here, it's simply letting a kid sleep at night.

Not to say there aren't many dishonest people out there, but the parallels between sales (especially software) and this story are all too common.

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