I am a successful software dev but I have a serious drinking problem

I had a drinking problem for 10 years, I am/was a successful systems engineer. I think I know how you feel.. Do you maybe find that you are living a life which doesn't belong to you? Or put another way, are you just "spinning"? For me, I would go on enormous binges of drink and drugs for 3 days, then abstain for 2 weeks or so. I fixed it by "pressing play" on my life again, which involved selling my house, and going on an adventure in another land. Ended up doing the same job, but my environment was so different, new language, culture, etc.. I stuck with counselling through this time and found a keen sense of introspection. Ultimately, I drilled down to the real problems that were manifesting the symptoms such as drinking, junk food, drugs, excess pr0n, etc... they were all methods to regain "control" over a situation I felt powerless over. Ironic, really, as with drink and drugs we actually relinquish our control.

Not sure if this post is going to help you, as indeed everyone's situation is personal to them, but the common factors persist with such self-abuse situations.

peace.

YMMV

Yes. I've never been officially tested, think I slipped the early detection nets. I could read before I went to elementary. I surpassed everyone in basic calculus easily. Usually got bored, and started clowning around a lot. It was a Montessori [1] school and this made me surpass my classmates by about 1,5 year in certain classes like math. I have really poor eyesight, and had really big glasses, so yeah I got messed around with a lot, stood my ground, got into a lot of fights, switched school while skipping a year.

In our schools it is normal that you sit in smaller groups with your classmates, so yeah they did single me out when I got distracted all the time, but this never was sufficient and got kicked out of class a lot of time.

Then when my father died when I was 11 after about a year of fighting with cancer, they started attributing my behavior to that stress factor. (ugh, I told them to eat my shorts, and got strongly opinionated about pediatric workers:) ).

I did do a lot of petty things around that time that would give me thrills. I did manage to spur interest in computers from a very young age which kinda saved me I guess :-) (read on), and impressed my friends with "hacking" 3 digit bicycle code-locks. A lot of pranking, lighting fires. I got into alcohol in my last year of elementary.

I went to a pretty elite high-school when I was just 12. My sister went to the same one, and was a couple years ahead (she finished. I never couldn't cut the two hour a day study requirements. The interpretation of my problematic behavior had already been passed along as info to my high-school teachers (which is usual here). Subsequently I don't think they ever considered ADD/ADHD. In the second year got kicked out of 9/10 classes. My reputation preceded me, and it usually worked to get the class to quiet down by kicking me out. So they started calling me literally a disturbance that was undermining my classmates education.

I went to homework class when I failed the second year for the first time. I ended up sitting around with a bunch of kids just like me: Most of us smoked pot, were all pretty intelligent. And we were great about lying about the amount of homework we had. Enjoyed the free tea and cookies. One of the pediatrics by then said I had ADHD. But I was never hyperactive really. They wanted to put me on Ritalin. My mother was against it, but gave me the choice and I obliged.

After that I switched to a somewhat lower education system in high-school, which made me pass everything without doing anything other than smoke a lot of weed and singling myself out in the class, and just paid attention to the teachers, which worked fine if I was baked.

I've been experimenting with psychedelics since I was 15. First time I took MDMA was age 17. The list of drugs I have experimented with is impressive.

I am still a daily pot smoker, although I found Green Tea, L-Theanine [2] extract and even mild anti-anxiety or anti-depressants to work for me as well. I pick the first two since they are not physically addictive. HOWEVER, they all make me sleepy at some point, and I sometimes f up by power-napping for too long, then battle insomnia at night. This sucks.

I did some Ephederine back in the days when it was still legal, but for lulz, not because I thought it would help my condition. Other than that, never did stimulants (except for MDMA @ party's) until I was around 23-24. I have found stimulants to be extremely addictive to me, so I really shouldn't be near them. Although low dose amphetamines and Methylphenidate do make me a highly productive, I start abusing them really fast, which fast-tracks down into watching a lot of porn. Also, it KILLS my appetite and I've been lean since forever, so it just makes me lose a lot of weight.

I don't wanna go to my doctor to get a script because of these reasons. But I still struggle a lot with finding a balance.

I have been working for companies since the age of 16. I have been self employed freelancer for a year now, and also got a house and mortgage at around the same time. My motivation usually involves paying the bills now :(

When I have interesting new projects lined up (like now), I get highly motivated. But the 10 minute PHP hack I happily postpone until the last possible second.

So yes all in all, I also attribute dopamine. It is also really hard to explain to people why you don't "just do choir x" if you know it will make "choir y & z" easier, or just alleviates stress in general; my brain just obliges. I really really struggle with this.

My saviors for being productive are THC and L-Theanine [2], and it kinda sucks. Amphetamines make me work for hours straight until I finish all the amps and hardly eat. And weed makes me eat a lot and sleep a lot..

Also I do not recommend smoking weed at all!!! You should be vaping it :P

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montessori_education

[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theanine