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What Dreams May Come

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Re: What Dreams May Come

#361

Post by darthclue »

sonnyz wrote: post #165
darthclue wrote: post #74

Jonathan here. Being woke up by my wife crying because the donations just aren't stopping is both heart-breaking and comforting. For those of you who haven't seen the 'Bucket List' post, here's what it says at the very top: As I try to deal with the reality that is my impending death I can't help but wonder how many things I might have been able to accomplish given just a little more time. When I was diagnosed, I had…

If you can make it to Florida I can take you and your family to any of the four Disney parks, at no cost to you. I can't find your email address anywhere, but if you can provide it I'll send you my info so that you can reach me if you do decide to come.

sonnyz, this is very generous offer. I didn't hear from you but you can also reach me at darthclue@gmail.com

With regards to making it to Florida, I don't that this would ever happen even if someone stepped up and covered the cost of the entire trip. With my current health, every day is an unknown. When I got up this morning, I had no idea that I'd end up in the ER yet again nor that I'd be so exhausted I'd come home and sleep for several hours. This has become my unfortunate reality. Even if it was an all expenses paid trip it would likely kill me before it was over and it is for this reason that I consider this to be near the bottom of the bucket list. It's more for my kids than it is for me and it's meant to provide them with happy memories that will hopefully sustain them through my death. That said, if we make it to Florida I will at a minimum be in touch just to say thank you.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#362

Post by darthclue »

ChuckMcM wrote: post #302
chaostheory wrote: post #271

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'll be paying cobra rates to keep the same coverage. I have no idea how expensive this will be but I don't expect it to be cheap. It's really expensive even for young, healthy guys. I would imagine this would be more than your mortgage payment.

I'm guessing the Obamacare rates will be much more affordable.

ACA rates might be a little less but I wouldn't expect they'd be much less. The insurance I have via my employer is far superior than anything I can get from ACA at this time and resetting to an ACA plan would reset deductibles and out of pocket expenses possibly costing me more money in the long run. It's something I will be looking at when the time comes that I have to make that choice. Until then, I am thankful that I still have insurance through my employer which is reasonably priced and has paid out more than $280,000 to keep me alive for the last 2 months. Without it, I would most certainly be dead at this point.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#363

Post by darthclue »

chrisweekly wrote: post #318
darthclue wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Our basic needs are taken care of for now. We have a strong group of friends and family who have been by our side throughout this entire mess and provided us with indescribable support. Spiritual support of any kind is always welcome.

In re: spiritual support, may I recommend "How to Want What You Have" http://www.amazon.com/How-Want-What-You-Have/dp/0805033173 which taught me to live in the moment when I was faced with my own seeming impending demise. [I'm 39, have daughters aged 5 and 7, and had a fist-sized brain tumor removed just over a year ago. So, though I'm doing fine right now (next MRI is tomorrow morning, hoping for another clean scan)…

I wish I had the strength. As it is, I'm so weak that I can't even get upstairs to my own bed anymore. This is one of the most difficult things that I've had to accept is physical limitations. I've always been able to do physically challenging things that included running, although I'm horrible at it, and moving furniture around when needed. Now? I can barely lift my laptop and we won't even talk about the need to use an electric cart at the store now. It makes me feel weak and feeble despite mentally knowing I'm too young to be this damn old.

And I intend to fight until I have nothing left. I refuse to just give up and die. It's not in my nature.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#364

Post by darthclue »

ilovecookies wrote: post #186
melling wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are over 7 billion people on the planet. A day doesn't go by without a story like this. We just don't hear about most of them. Someday a person like this will simply go to his doctor, get a prescription, and go on to live a normal life. Rather than dwelling on sadness, maybe we should ask if there isn't something we can do, as a group, to make that day arrive sooner. What would it take to cure, or at least trea…

This is also what I'm thinking. Yes, this is probably a terrible experience he is going through, but if people 'really' wanted to help maybe giving to a cancer research institution or donating to people that have 'real' needs, like putting food on the table or access to fresh water. Wouldnt that honestly be more fair and better than to a guy who needs to pay of his mortgage today? I mean the average time to pay of a…

Our loan is a 30 year term, cause ya know when you're 35 you don't expect to die in 2 years. Getting it re-financed isn't really an available option at this point.

If you feel that your money is better spent donating to a cancer research center, then please do. But your jealousy is seriously mis-placed and you are seriously confused with regards to my motives. I'm not any more worthy of this than the next guy. That's the simple truth. And asking for help of any kind is the last thing I want to do. But I also can't just die and leave my family to suffer and fight for themselves. My human nature tells me that I should do everything I can to take care of them and to take care of those around me. I can't count the number of times I've done something for a complete stranger, like paying for their meal, just because I felt that I had been blessed that day and there was a need to pass it on.

Even as I sit here and look at what happened with this today I am torn between actually using the donations to pay off our housing and transportation debts along with my final resting place or just giving the money to someone else who needs it more than I do. It is not easy being in the position where I know what my family needs and knowing that there are others who deserve so much more.

I'm sorry that no one was there when your girlfriend died. That is truly sad and shouldn't happen to anyone. I can only hope that you find it in your heart to give something to someone and realize that when you need it most someone will be there for you.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#365

Post by darthclue »

toothbrush wrote: post #212
ilovecookies wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is also what I'm thinking. Yes, this is probably a terrible experience he is going through, but if people 'really' wanted to help maybe giving to a cancer research institution or donating to people that have 'real' needs, like putting food on the table or access to fresh water. Wouldnt that honestly be more fair and better than to a guy who needs to pay of his mortgage today? I mean the average time to pay of a…

Hm, unfortunately the misanthrope in me agrees with ilovecookies. My donation, too, will be going to feeding and providing basic medicine to underprivileged people, not financing some guy's huge car and 4 children in a 1st world home.

The important thing here is not that you gave to someone else, but that you gave and when you need it most, I can only hope that someone will be there for you because you gave to someone else.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#366

Post by darthclue »

lnanek2 wrote: post #125

Kind of bizarre seeing someone else's value system which is completely alien to my own. If I was leaving my wife and kids with mortgage and car loan debt, I wouldn't spend $10-20k on a graveyard plot, that's for sure. I don't think I would in any case, I'd just get cremated or whatever the cheapest option is.

Allow me to clarify my value system for you then. You'll note that the graveyard plot is the 3rd item on the list. If we are unable to fund it, I am prepared for cremation options. This is a 'bucket list', it is more like a wish list than anything else and this is why items are listed in 'priority' order. This is about providing for the financial needs of my wife and kids. Giving them a home and transportation are the most import aspects of making the process of my death easier. There are so many conversations that have to take place between two people who love each other and most of those will always remain private. Telling my wife where I want to be buried and discussing what we need to do before we even begin planning for this was just another of many difficult conversations I've had to have over the last 2 months. I have to make difficult decisions that will impact everyone around me. When you find yourself facing death, I hope that your commitment and resolution to cremation remains as it is today.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#367

Post by darthclue »

thaumasiotes wrote: post #16
bherms wrote: post #2

It's sad that when we find out something this devastating (you're dying), that we have to spend our last weeks/months/years worrying about, of all things, money. Nobody deserves this sort of thing happening to them, and when it does happen, it hurts me to think they can't spend their last months on earth focused on enjoying time with their loved ones and instead have to live in fear that their family is going to be a…

Where's your sympathy for the people who don't have cancer but have to go in to work every day because they don't want their family to starve? Should they not enjoy any time with their loved ones? Your viewpoint seems incoherent to me; we can't just support everyone out of common brotherly love.

The same place it's always been. I can't count the number of times that I've wished I could just stay home with my kids and enjoy being with them. But I had to choose between providing for them or being with them. There was no other option.

Given my current condition, I can't return to work. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I could wake up and need to be hospitalized yet again or I could be pain free and enjoying every moment I have with my children or I could be dead. It's no longer a choice as to what I do with my life because it is no longer mine. I am living on borrowed time and for every second I can borrow I will be spending it with my children trying to prepare them for my death to make that process easier. No child should have to lose their parent at such a young age and no spouse should find themselves a widow with young children either. Anyone who thinks this is just another sob story should try living it for just the first week and tell me how it feels. Trust me, your tune will quickly change, mine did.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#368

Post by darthclue »

aestra wrote: post #176
izolate wrote: post #148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel for the guy, I wouldn't wish his position on anybody. But reading that list, I can't help but think he needs to learn how to sacrifice a bit. I get that he wants to take care of his finances and spend time with his family. But everything that he listed can be done for 1/5th of the cost. Get cremated, travel by bus, put everybody up in a 1 bed motel room, etc.

I think he is just comfortable with his life and can't see out of his own worldview. He believes these things are "bare necessities." This is why I have trouble relating to the middle and upper class and especially this guy. I grew up poor. Really poor. My friends in the neighborhood had to live without electricity some times because they got shut off because their parents couldn't pay the bill. I thought we were pre…

Comfortable? Yes. Out of touch with you and your poor friends? You know nothing of my life.

I've worked my ass of to get where I am and while you may find our expenses excessive I would point out that they are what meet our needs and keeps us financially secure. Do I like asking for help? Hell no. As a matter of fact, this has been one of the hardest parts of this whole process. As I've been forced to accept that I will die and will likely leave my wife with debts that cannot be repaid I have to consider what will really happen. Without a home, she moves in with her parents. This isn't a bad scenario but it's also not the best scenario. Without the van, she has no way to provide for the basic needs of our children like taking them to the doctor. Note, her parents live in the boonies, there is no public transportation. The cost of a funeral? Have you priced these recently? They aren't cheap no matter how you look at it. And there are far more decisions that go into this than how cheap it is. This has long-lasting emotional impact on my wife, my kids, my mother, my grandmother and a host of other relatives. I can only hope you have people in your life who you care about enough to actually think before you act in the event of your death.

And the moment you begin to think you know anything about how anyone grew up or how hard they've worked to get where they are or how happy they are, you need to stop and rethink your own priorities and happiness. This isn't about things or happiness, this is about security and easing the pain of my death. Memories will make them happier than anything else I can do and we have memories in this house and in that van. And the moment you think I have a sense of entitlement is the moment you need to go down to the nearest shelter and volunteer. You'll soon discover just how entitled you think you are and realize just how wrong you are.

May you find peace and experience true humility before it's too late.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#369

Post by darthclue »

nate_meurer wrote: post #316
lnanek2 wrote: post #125

Kind of bizarre seeing someone else's value system which is completely alien to my own. If I was leaving my wife and kids with mortgage and car loan debt, I wouldn't spend $10-20k on a graveyard plot, that's for sure. I don't think I would in any case, I'd just get cremated or whatever the cheapest option is.

I agree, but it made me feel better (poor wording?) to see Jonathan's blog post on 01/19/2014 (the earliest post to be tagged "cancer"): I have told my children that if I should lose this fight that there will not be a funeral, there will be a party, a celebration with music and cake and ice cream and friends and family and dancing and laughing and singing.

This was one of the most difficult conversations I had to have. It came about because of my 6 year old who asked if she could go to my funeral. No 6 year old should ask that question and no parent should have to answer it. She has been the strongest through this which is making it even harder because she fully understands what is going on and is asking tougher and tougher questions for which I do not have any good or easy answers. I've cried more trying to come up with the answers than I have in my first 34 years of life.

Re: What Dreams May Come

#370

Post by darthclue »

syntheticnature wrote: post #288
lnanek2 wrote: post #125

Kind of bizarre seeing someone else's value system which is completely alien to my own. If I was leaving my wife and kids with mortgage and car loan debt, I wouldn't spend $10-20k on a graveyard plot, that's for sure. I don't think I would in any case, I'd just get cremated or whatever the cheapest option is.

That wife and kids might just want to have a viewing. That'll cost money. Cremation isn't cheap, either: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=7393011 $20k actually sounds low to me, last time I looked into a burial situation.

My family, including my wife, children, mother, grandmother, and extended family would benefit from a public viewing. Cremation is something we've considered but would like to avoid but we have made a final decision on which way we will go because we don't have the finances in place to make that decision yet. And yes, $20k is about as cheap as I could manage to get it with the research I did given that this would be an out-of-state burial requiring my body be transported across state lines. I've done my research and worked to keep costs as low as possible because that's just part of me trying to give everyone what they want and deserve without creating additional burden on anyone if I can. This isn't an easy decision and my wife are still discussing it because it isn't easy. None of this has been easy.
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