Why Loneliness Matters in the Social Age

I'm 31. I was 25 when I got married, which was also the same year the company I co-founded hit the skids and eventually a brick wall. That first year was really rough on us (we started with 1 child and had another in the middle of that year), but we survived and watching that company burn was one of the most valuable life lessons I've ever had. We've had another two kids since then, and I've learned a few other things along the way.

Before I was married, all of those fears and anxieties ruled my life. I think that's partly what attracted me to the startup world and ultimately to starting that company. I wanted to chase my ambitions and fight that feeling of loneliness. However, the great lesson I learned from that company, and ultimately from the last few years of marriage and kids is that you won't be alone when you choose to value the people you love over achievements you earn, stuff you buy, or even just stuff you work really hard on. I poured it on with the 90 and 100 hour weeks the last 6 months of that company and in the end the company crumbled and my hard work left me with nothing but bitterness toward my creation (I eventually got past the bitterness). Today I invest that time in my wife and my kids, and they are my world to me. They're my best friends. There's no earning their love, but the time I spend with them is never wasted. I don't get through the week, having prioritized them over other things, and think to myself "man, I really wish I'd spent an extra 20 hours on that personal project" that will never do anything for my personal fulfillment beyond some temporary ego boost.

Now. That's not to say I don't still love the startup and technology world. I do. And I still have those personal projects. And that professional community. I also love working hard on stuff that pushes the envelope. But the funny thing is that ever since I put that part of myself in a bounded box I've enjoyed it more and been more productive. There isn't the sense of having to keep up, and yet I'm still able to. Consequently I'm happier at work and since I don't draw my personal worth from it, I can take setbacks and move on and still enjoy it.

I don't know that everyone should get married, but it seems to me that, based on everyone I've ever known, that you best fight loneliness by surrounding yourself with people who will stick by you regardless of job, religion, social status , health, or anything else. To me, the question to ask is - if the world fell apart right now, would the people you prioritize still be with you?

It's a relevant point she brings forth - albeit a false one. Microsoft just as Google is much too biased in this debate and so is Danah Boyd. It is not just the parents fault, the upbringing and social life of a child is composed of many factors. It is not unreasonable to assume that most regular children at the age of ten are in possession of a smartphone and have working parents. At least half of the kids' days will be spent outside of parental jurisdiction and under the influence of other players. These players are - from most real to most virtual: Geolocation, Government, School, Teacher, Classmates/Clique, [...], Mobile device, Software company (Google, Microsoft et al). It is not just a mistake to blame parents, it is the deliberate attempt to throw off any kind of debate that needs to be had about the responsibility of tech companies. If kids learn that likes matter, they will behave accordingly.

I haven't read the book yet, but based on my knowledge of what boyd has said over the past decade, I'd hazard a guess that she actually means that parents should stop trying to defend their kids from nebulous external threats and recognize that their own behavior is a significant part of the issue.

Last I checked, Google wasn't a daycare service. I'm not really sure why you're trying to insist that it is.

This is an interesting article. I found myself agreeing with it most of the time. At the same time, as someone who has overcome a lonely path, I can't help but put a lot more emphasis on culture than on the others.

American culture is a lonely culture, as my wife is always pointing out. We send our kids to college alone. We retire alone. We look at social problems like poverty as if they are held by the individual alone. Loneliness is the price of freedom but it is also the price includes lack of real social and physical support.

When I moved to Indonesia two years ago, things went downhill with my marriage fast. My wife was always threatening to send me back to the States (every couple weeks) and I couldn't develop a sense of place in the midst of the uncertainty. I felt like I was half-way around the world from anyone who cared about me except for the kids. It was a very dark, depressing, and crippling place to be (business-wise, personally, and more). And so things continued for most of two years. Eventually we did overcome our problems (in no small part due to me eventually deciding I had to ignore her threats).

Here's the basic thing. It doesn't take many people to combat loneliness. Quality matters far more than quantity. Getting out there and meeting people is a smallish part of the battle. A much larger issue is building real friendships with a small number of people.

Having two or three close friends makes a world of difference.