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Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

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Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#81

Post by gcr »

Danieru wrote: post #61
sejje wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Serious question: do you (or anyone else) think it's immoral to go to church as an atheist just to meet people? I get along really well with church people, but I simultaneously hate talking about religion.

Most churches would (or should) welcome a non-believer! Going to church in your situation would not be sneaky or deceitful. Even if you are very very very sure that the service is not going to make you into a Christian, that does not matter since the church will be pretty sure of the opposite. Plus you're not taking anything away from anyone, there is no reason to feel guilty. As shorthand advice: try to find a missi…

One thought is to get involved with outgoing church ministries (eg. soup kitchen visits, trash pickups, etc.) For example, my church has a program where during the summer, we visit impoverished area in our city, gather around in an apartment square (with permission of the apartment owners of course), and teach kids how to read by just reading books with them, playing games, etc.

If you're uncomfortable with ministry, you can probably find a community service project without a "hidden agenda." For example, the goal of the above project wasn't to turn the kids into "little christians;" rather the goal was just to keep their literacy skills up during the summer while school isn't in session.

As an athiest, by working with a project like that, you'd be able to help do good in the community while still feeling a sense of fellowship with the others. I'm sure the other churchgoers would appreciate the help for the event even though you don't intend on "converting" or whatever.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#82

Post by busterarm »

wturner wrote: post #59
Pxtl wrote: post #56

Part of the problem is that loneliness has a terrible feedback loop. Isolation makes you bitter and desperate and then nobody wants to be around you. Do it too long and your culture starts diverging from the main and connecting with new people is like crossing a river.

This is completely true. One thing that can break the feedback loop is to tap into something that made you happy when you were young and then find some group that does that activity.One thing I do is skateboard at a public park. Everyone is very individualistic so it appeals to that personality trait but at the same time you're loosely part of a group and engaged in an activity that inherently fires endorphins. This…

I've tried this in various forms and had very mixed results.

Nostalgia can be a really tricky thing and can lead to some unhappy roads.

Overall though I find that what I used to do doesn't really suit me anymore and finding out what my passions are now (which is very hard) is more rewarding than chasing the passions of my youth.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#83

Post by gcr »

githulhu wrote: post #46
rjbond3rd wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Please do just one thing: make an appointment with a therapist to see if you have depression.

At the risk of sounding negative, I've found that this is probably a waste of time, because most therapists are utter garbage... And, it's really no surprise, really, if you look at the average salary for therapists. I imagine that most of the ones who could actually help you are running high-priced practices treating Arab princes and basketball players...naturally they are not going to be found in the provider direc…

Most of medicine is listening.

The rest is avoiding further damage -- there are right ways to listen and wrong ways to listen, after all.

That's the difference between an experienced therapist and a bad therapist, or between a trained therapist and an ordinary friend/colleague.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#84

Post by gcr »

was_hellbanned wrote: post #76
githulhu wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At the risk of sounding negative, I've found that this is probably a waste of time, because most therapists are utter garbage... And, it's really no surprise, really, if you look at the average salary for therapists. I imagine that most of the ones who could actually help you are running high-priced practices treating Arab princes and basketball players...naturally they are not going to be found in the provider direc…

Ah, the old negativity-masquerading-as-insight trick. HN really needs to do something about its implicit approval of such foolery tarted up as meaningful commentary.

Those exact same words apply to your comment. And to this one. :)

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#85

Post by csomar »

sown wrote: post #33

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going out and being the most positive person I can, to be a friend to as many people as I can but I don't know if it's working or not. Just talking to people, listening to them, smiling at everyone. It feels like I'm just a grinning idiot, that no one takes me serious…

It's about if you accept it or not. I work at home and don't have friends. Been in this situation for 2+ years and I'm really fine. Just try to find alternative stuff to do.

For example, hitting the gym not for gym sake but to reach a fitness level. Just set some simple life goals and concentrate on them.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#86

Post by busterarm »

zigzig wrote: post #7

While I've made plenty of bad decisions myself, I think a large part of why I've always been extremely lonely and isolated is that I was raised with very little sense of family or community. Growing up an only child, my parents apparently never thought it was worth me meeting the 80% of my cousins that lived in the same country, but somewhat far away. My parents themselves had scant friends or associates (at least du…

I spent most of my childhood on my own and I don't have a particularly close family.

I've had friends and girlfriends that partially extended me into their families, but those ties never seem to last and it's always painful to let go.

Being part of a close family is the only thing I really want in life, or have ever really wanted. It's also something that I can't seem to get. This brings me to tears often.

I feel unbelievably isolated from other people and in a negative feedback loop that I can't get out of. I work from home and have few friends who I don't see very often. I haven't had a relationship in nearly a decade and don't even really know how to be affectionate with other people anymore. I don't hug people. I went on a group trip with some friends earlier this year and in all the pictures I'm standing slightly away from everyone. My self-image is in the toilet.

Lonliness is killing me.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#87

Post by Lost_BiomedE »

eruditely wrote: post #77
Lost_BiomedE wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Then that culture is broken. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

How convenient for you, chomsky, godel, bertrand russell, dirac, von neumann, montaigne, francis bacon, stoics, and almost all classical great humans to modern great humans had friends and were at least somewhat social give me a break. I know it must be comfortable for you, they're all sick and I'm not so now I don't have to be uncomfortable and try a little.

I am quite sure that if someone told them that they had to drop their work or being in order to be friends, they would have found a different friend.

The point is that it is OK to have a different culture, OK to be you, OK to be a light unto yourself. You will find friends, probably more. You do not have to adopt the culture forced upon you if it is not yours.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#88

Post by hrjet »

was_hellbanned wrote: post #79
sown wrote: post #33

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going out and being the most positive person I can, to be a friend to as many people as I can but I don't know if it's working or not. Just talking to people, listening to them, smiling at everyone. It feels like I'm just a grinning idiot, that no one takes me serious…

> Not really had friends and not great at making them. Making friends is about a combination of exposure (meeting people) and sharing something (a hobby, where you grew up, etc.). Part of the process is that YOU have to be genuinely interested in THEM, and vice-versa. Many people think that you have to be more interesting, but that's not exactly the case. You have to be more interested. And what's the best way to bec…

+1 for travel. I took to travel a couple of years back and it worked wonders. So much in fact that I had to cut back on travel and all the friends that I had accumulated. It started taking too much of time (though I enjoyed it).

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#89

Post by hrjet »

auctiontheory wrote: post #68

In poor countries, like India, you have no privacy at all. The overreaction, in rich countries like the US, is to buy privacy the richer you get. But Americans take it to extremes, buying huge houses that allow them to go days without interacting with another person. In fact, not having to deal with other people is considered a desirable luxury. Sit at home and eat and watch TV and shop. I know people who drive (down…

You are conflating loneliness (the feeling) with isolation (the physical separation).

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#90

Post by Amadou »

sejje wrote: post #44
ams6110 wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Try doing volunteer work on the weekends for some cause you care about. One it will get you out of the house and two you will meet people who may be like-minded but are different enough from your co-workers as to be more interesting. I'd recommend also trying church. Not trying to push religion, but it's a way to get involved with a group of people who often organize social or community activities.

Serious question: do you (or anyone else) think it's immoral to go to church as an atheist just to meet people? I get along really well with church people, but I simultaneously hate talking about religion.

Serious question: do you (or anyone else) think it's immoral to go to church as an atheist just to meet people?

My opinion, as an atheist who finds personal religiosity quite boring, but finds the cultural phenomena of religion rather interesting, is that most people who attend church do so for socialization rather than faith. Most people (not all) don't really know much about their own religion, they just participate in the rituals because that's what they've always done and they've had no reason to really question it. There are quite a lot of people who give lip service to their religion but live effectively secular lives. Challenge them on it and they will likely become defensive, but actions speak louder than words.

So, I think you'll find plenty of people at church who are looking for socialization and aren't particularly interested in dogma. I'd stay away from the more extremist sects (people that do snake-handling and speaking in tongues are there for more than just something to do on the weekend). FWIW, in college, my muslim friends were always having parties that had their mosque membership as a central connection (not "college parties" but more than just dinners) I never got preached at, but some discussions were over my head ... plus they also had the best food. My connection was a girlfriend who was an immigrant and essentially a secular muslim.

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