Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

theglobeandmail.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

31–40 of 168 posts

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#31

Post by thirdtruck »

kghose wrote: post #17
polymatter wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

for what its worth, I think that since you know how bad it is, you know the true value in keeping in contact and thus will work for it more and be a better parent because of it. I have to spend conscious effort to maintain my network of friends and its hard for me because its not automatic and not something I was brought up to do. I inevitably drop the ball sometimes and forget someone and have to get back into conta…

This. Relationships take effort. Often, one will think "Why should I make the effort? Why should I make the move? The other person has not contacted me?" But it is better to make the move and contact other people. Because a friend has not contacted you for a while does not mean they don't want to keep contact. They may be feeling lonely and down or overwhelmed.

So true. I have three emails in my inbox right now, all from people that I haven't heard from in weeks or months, but only there because I made a point of following up for the sake of following up. Now we're back in touch and chatting again!

If I could figure out how to "scale" this correctly for my romantic relationships (and I emphasize the "balance" part), I'd be set.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#32

Post by saraid216 »

scotty79 wrote: post #19
kghose wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This. Relationships take effort. Often, one will think "Why should I make the effort? Why should I make the move? The other person has not contacted me?" But it is better to make the move and contact other people. Because a friend has not contacted you for a while does not mean they don't want to keep contact. They may be feeling lonely and down or overwhelmed.

I'm mostly just feeling that other people have plans no matter how trivial and I don't want to interrupt them or force them to interact with me out of politness.

Other people absolutely have plans. They have them all the time. They have those plans because someone called them up and made those plans.

Get used to hearing no. The only way to do that is to be told no a lot. The only way to be told no is to ask in the first place.

It's not easy. It's still not easy for me. I go through long phases where I've given up and refuse to invite people to things or tell them about things I'm going to because I'm unwilling to deal with the feeling of frustration that comes with their being busy or having plans. And then I pick myself back up and ask them and sometimes they are busy or they do have plans. And that sucks. And I make another go at it and hey, they're free that evening! It can happen! And suddenly that evening turns into a great evening.

So ask. Call them up and ask. Or text them. Or email them. They're slightly less likely to respond, but for different people, those media work better. Try to do the leg work for them: the less thinking they have to do, the easier it is to say yes.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#33

Post by sown »

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going out and being the most positive person I can, to be a friend to as many people as I can but I don't know if it's working or not. Just talking to people, listening to them, smiling at everyone.

It feels like I'm just a grinning idiot, that no one takes me seriously, that I have to completely change everything about me and who I am so before long I'm not the same person in the slightest; I have to pretend to be someone else.

I know I'm not the best person I can be but how much harder and longer do I have to fight to make it?

I hate the weekends and look forward to Mondays because I can go out and meet co-workers. Friday afternoons I fill with a heavy dread. It sounds ridiculous to talk about it out loud because it makes me sound so...high-school. I feel like a loser talking about it, now, just like how I felt like a loser in elementary through high school, and grad school. It feels dumb now. I'm an older man, now. I think most days people won't notice I'm gone until the bugs don't get fixed and a few years later they find me in my condo after I hung myself in the closet.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#34

Post by bitwize »

evanmoran wrote: post #22

When I was in college a classmate of mine would come by every day or so to my dorm. He would just hang out, talking about class or whatever. I couldn't understand why he kept coming over, but I was too polite to mention anything. Turns out, he came by because we were friends. In fact, we had been friends the whole time, but I didn't know it! What I missed is that the stages between meeting people and friendship look…

"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.

"Please--tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . ."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . ."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . ."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#35

Post by ams6110 »

madcap wrote: post #23

The article mentions Portland as an example of city planning which encourages interaction and social cohesion. Are there any other examples that spring to mind for U.S. cities? I'm looking to relocate and this is high on the list for me.

Portland has a high suicide rate.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#36

Post by hippee-lee »

bitwize wrote: post #34
evanmoran wrote: post #22

When I was in college a classmate of mine would come by every day or so to my dorm. He would just hang out, talking about class or whatever. I couldn't understand why he kept coming over, but I was too polite to mention anything. Turns out, he came by because we were friends. In fact, we had been friends the whole time, but I didn't know it! What I missed is that the stages between meeting people and friendship look…

"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, o…

Please, please tell us what that is from.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#37

Post by scotty79 »

saraid216 wrote: post #32
scotty79 wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm mostly just feeling that other people have plans no matter how trivial and I don't want to interrupt them or force them to interact with me out of politness.

Other people absolutely have plans. They have them all the time. They have those plans because someone called them up and made those plans . Get used to hearing no. The only way to do that is to be told no a lot. The only way to be told no is to ask in the first place. It's not easy. It's still not easy for me. I go through long phases where I've given up and refuse to invite people to things or tell them about thing…

I'm not afraid of hearing no. I'd be relived to hear no. I don't want to cause them to say yes when they don't want to just because they like me or they think they should.

Also most of my plans do not come from people calling me.

I guess my reservation towards calling other people comes from not wanting to cause trouble to other people just like the ones they would have caused me if they called me.

I have no objection to call my friends when I need information or a thing they probably won't mind lending me and would say they mind if they did.

I probably need contact with people but I don't like it. It's like when you know you need to eat but you don't realy have the apetite.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#38

Post by jxf »

hippee-lee wrote: post #36
bitwize wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, o…

Please, please tell us what that is from.

It's Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's "The Little Prince". Definitely worth a read!

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#39

Post by benmathes »

sown wrote: post #33

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going out and being the most positive person I can, to be a friend to as many people as I can but I don't know if it's working or not. Just talking to people, listening to them, smiling at everyone. It feels like I'm just a grinning idiot, that no one takes me serious…

I hope all the upvotes you're receiving is evidence that we _do_ care.

Perhaps get into some multiplayer online games? They really helped me when I was feeling lonely -- especially if you start to play with a regular crowd and start to use voicecomm. It's fun, social, but not too social.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#40

Post by ams6110 »

sown wrote: post #33

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going out and being the most positive person I can, to be a friend to as many people as I can but I don't know if it's working or not. Just talking to people, listening to them, smiling at everyone. It feels like I'm just a grinning idiot, that no one takes me serious…

Try doing volunteer work on the weekends for some cause you care about. One it will get you out of the house and two you will meet people who may be like-minded but are different enough from your co-workers as to be more interesting.

I'd recommend also trying church. Not trying to push religion, but it's a way to get involved with a group of people who often organize social or community activities.

Post reply on HN