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How I Learned to Work a Room

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Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#41

Post by reirob »

VladRussian2 wrote: post #35
mcdougle wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It seems you discovered for yourself what every book on communication emphasizes -- ask questions! People would rather talk about themselves than listen to you talking about yourself, so if you just get them talking and then listen to what they have to say (you barely have to even speak most of the time!) not only will you learn quite a bit, the other person will usually come away feeling like it was a very good conv…

>ask questions! it would be nice. Unfortunately asking questions i feel like i'm interrogating or intruding onto somebody's else private property.

It is actually not only asking questions. It is about asking open questions, i.e. questions that cannot be answered by yes, no, but require the person to tell a story. At the beginning it it is even more frightening, but once you force yourself to do this as an exercise it might change your life.

Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#43

Post by dctoedt »

gk1 wrote: post #36

How to get out of a one-on-one conversation: OPTION 1 You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?" Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x." You: "Oh I just met Bob, who's into $x. He's over there, do you want to meet him?" Them: "Sure!" You go and introduce them, then after a minute excuse yourself. They'll hardly notice. OPTION 2 You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?" Them: "I'm hoping to meet w…

These options are better than my usual, "Well, it was very nice talking to you," said firmly and with a smile.

Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#44

Post by dctoedt »

Mild introvert here. I've had better luck focusing on 'singletons,' and catalyzing the formation of new conversation groups, instead of trying to work into an existing duo's conversation.

A few years ago I stood alone at a big "networking breakfast." I barely knew anyone.

It popped into my head: Pretend you're the host -- make 'your' guests feel welcome.

Looking around, I spotted another singleton. Smiling, I stuck out my hand, introduced myself, and started doing the ask-questions routine (being careful to make it a conversation and not an interrogation).

A few minutes later, I saw another singleton coming near. I invited him into the conversation and introduced him to the first guy. Both of them seemed glad to have other people to talk to (and when I ran into them at later meetings, they each remembered me). Eventually I disengaged and moved on.

I was amazed at how comfortable that felt, seeking to serve others' needs instead of my own insecurities. I've been using that basic approach ever since. It works every time. My young-adult kids report success with the approach as well.

Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#45

Post by ctruzzi »

reirob wrote: post #40

Funny. It is actually the comments that made me finally read the article. Nice technique. But immediately I felt sorry for all the people that come in the room alone and do not have the courage to mingle. This technique will make them feel even more bad.

Why would it make them feel worse? Wouldn't this give individuals a new technique for entering conversations?

Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#46

Post by dnissley »

KiwiCoder wrote: post #31
kordless wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Working the smoking area is much easier than working the room. Best conversations of my life have been standing on a curb with another smoker. I quit about a year ago, but still use the ecig.

Not sure this would be as effective if I stood around puffing on a pencil. I don't know, I've never smoked except once when I was 11.

There are nicotine free e-cigs that basically emit flavored water vapor. Never tried one, but they do exist.

Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#47

Post by hansy »

The advice about singling out pairs of people is really interesting. How does one go about approaching them if they are in mid conversation?

Do you just lurk, wait for a brief pause, then swoop in? This seems creepy.

Do you just barge in mid-sentence? This seems rude.

Do you chime in if they something that catches your interest? This seems nosy.

Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#48

Post by gk1 »

dctoedt wrote: post #43
gk1 wrote: post #36

How to get out of a one-on-one conversation: OPTION 1 You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?" Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x." You: "Oh I just met Bob, who's into $x. He's over there, do you want to meet him?" Them: "Sure!" You go and introduce them, then after a minute excuse yourself. They'll hardly notice. OPTION 2 You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?" Them: "I'm hoping to meet w…

These options are better than my usual, "Well, it was very nice talking to you," said firmly and with a smile.

Even that is better than keeping a dead-end conversation going.

Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#49

Post by mikegriff »

dctoedt wrote: post #44

Mild introvert here. I've had better luck focusing on 'singletons,' and catalyzing the formation of new conversation groups, instead of trying to work into an existing duo's conversation. A few years ago I stood alone at a big "networking breakfast." I barely knew anyone. It popped into my head: Pretend you're the host -- make 'your' guests feel welcome. Looking around, I spotted another singleton. Smiling, I stuck o…

Nice, I like that one. I've been in that situation before, standing on my own and seeing others standing on their own too. But I never thought of just going up and being the person to introduce them to others.

I'll have to try that out.

Re: How I Learned to Work a Room

#50

Post by bradleysmith »

napoleond wrote: post #37
frogpelt wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your approach is very similar to Dale Carnegie's advice in "How To Win Friends and Influence People".[1] By showing interest in what other people are doing instead of only telling them about yourself or espousing your opinions they are more likely to want to be around you. 1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...

pg has said that he considers How to Win Friends and Influence People to be the most inspiring book on leadership[0]. I think it's especially helpful for hackers, because it basically lays out instructions for how to meet (and then exceed) people's social expectations. A lot of non-hackers seem to have learned those skills in middle school, while many of us were busy learning other skills. Learning to "play along" an…

>how narcissistic that was--I am not superhuman and cannot exert mind control, so any social "hacking" is really just using the system the way it is designed to be used.

Spot on. Reminds me of the the quote by Cisco founder Sandy Lerner: "The first rule of any game is to know you're in one."

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