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A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

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Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#151

Post by 8_hours_ago »

InTheSwiss wrote: post #46
noonespecial wrote: post #8

As one of the older folks on HN, I can tell you that death in the age of facebook is strange in that even when they are gone there's still a "there-ness" to them thanks to left over accounts. Its almost like at any moment, a tweet will pop up or an update to a wall... Perhaps that's the 21st century version of seeing ghosts.

When my girlfriend died I could not bring myself to remove her from my friends list. She is still there. Her beautiful smile looks at me nearly every day. Some days I am glad to see that little profile picture of hers and others it is painful. Her family could have the account closed I guess but I think they feel the same as me and closing it is like deleting a little part of what we have left of her :(

I still have the last email that my Grandmother sent me in my Inbox. I never got around to replying to it when she was still alive. It's a very good motivator to reply to emails from my other relatives that would otherwise go unanswered as well.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#152

Post by EvanKelly »

zeckalpha wrote: post #114
EvanKelly wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sometimes it's nice to have a place to actually send things. It's like writing a letter to someone you never actually intend to send. I think in the case of Facebook, it's probably nice to actually push that "send" button on the message.

Some people are marked dead who aren't really, too.

Unfortunately no one can log into a memorialized page, even with the valid credentials.

It was very difficult to get information off facebook (pictures, etc.) once the page was memorialized after the death of a loved one.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#153

Post by tobych »

Kinda had this happen. My ex-partner and close friend - "my rock" as I called her - Amanda "Moo" Hearn died a few years ago, just a few weeks after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I'd not called her for a couple of months. Kept meaning to. Then I suddenly had this urge to know how she was, and called, but the number had been disconnected, I think, so I called her sister who said "Oh, I'm so sorry Toby, Moo died yesterday." So yes, that Charles Hanson Towne poem (elsewhere on this thread) rings true for me. I email friends and call them occasionally and flippantly say "Hey, you're alive!" (I moved to the US six years ago and haven't been in touch quite like I used to be) and they don't realize I actually mean it. I hold a lot of guilt inside, dreading learning of another friend's death in a similar manner. Good to read this thread.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#154

Post by ksrm »

stmchn wrote: post #23
LanceH wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And the post-death messages that they like Ikea, or Chipotle, which are spooky, weird and tacky, all at once.

It really gives "famous last words" a whole new meaning since all your tweets and Facebook statuses are forever immortalized. It makes me wonder what seemingly mundane thing will be the last thing people see from me on social media and will in turn be the first thing people see on my page when they find out I'm dead. It reminds me of Cory Monteith's (from Glee) recent passing. His last tweets were, "what the crap is…

https://twitter.com/sully_2003

:(

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#155

Post by jlgaddis »

philwelch wrote: post #88
stmchn wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It really gives "famous last words" a whole new meaning since all your tweets and Facebook statuses are forever immortalized. It makes me wonder what seemingly mundane thing will be the last thing people see from me on social media and will in turn be the first thing people see on my page when they find out I'm dead. It reminds me of Cory Monteith's (from Glee) recent passing. His last tweets were, "what the crap is…

Especially since he (presumably) didn't actually die in a sharknado.

It'd be even more odd, or perhaps ironic, I suppose, if he did.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#156

Post by jlgaddis »

kalhank wrote: post #54
noonespecial wrote: post #8

As one of the older folks on HN, I can tell you that death in the age of facebook is strange in that even when they are gone there's still a "there-ness" to them thanks to left over accounts. Its almost like at any moment, a tweet will pop up or an update to a wall... Perhaps that's the 21st century version of seeing ghosts.

A client I worked for had his CISO pass away unexpectedly at a relatively young age due to a heart attack. My client then recounted how he received a LinkedIn update a few days following his death, and the first thing my client thought was "talk about remote access!"...he has an interesting sense of humor.

Heh, I bet the latency sucks, though!

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#157

Post by tychof »

shocks wrote: post #115
InTheSwiss wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When my girlfriend died I could not bring myself to remove her from my friends list. She is still there. Her beautiful smile looks at me nearly every day. Some days I am glad to see that little profile picture of hers and others it is painful. Her family could have the account closed I guess but I think they feel the same as me and closing it is like deleting a little part of what we have left of her :(

Hey man, hope you're doing okay. I know it's hard, but keep smiling. She'd want it that way. :) Sorry for your loss.

Please understand that something you think is helpful may not be. You should assume it isn't unless you have specific knowledge of the person involved.

In general, the bereaved don't need platitudes which cheapen their loss or try to fast-forward them through the grieving process. Don't presume to know what the deceased _or_ the bereaved feel or _should_ feel, and don't assume they share/d your beliefs.

Instead of 'comfort and a kind word', try 'comfort' until you are asked for more. Be present for those who are grieving. Offer to help in any way you can if you can, and help when called upon.

Just listening is profoundly useful. Often, they're not really listening to you anyway.

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#158

Post by socksy »

DanielBMarkham wrote: post #129
tjr wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After playing with CleverBot for a while a few years ago, some colleagues and I created a clone that we chatted with, training it for months. Chatting with it now is a lot like chatting with one of us. Granted, it doesn't always make sense, but the style of responses comes through.

For people who post online heavily, I don't think this is as far away as some might believe. Sure, it's not going to convince folks you're still alive, but it might provide entertainment to the great-great-great grandkids, let them know what you were like.

This idea (taken to its extreme) is the premise for a Black Mirror episode: http://vimeo.com/61215171

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#159

Post by kamjam »

turshija wrote: post #144
conanbatt wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I got the birthday notification one my most beloved teacher, and he passed away more than a year ago. It is a bitter sweet moment indeed. Im kind of glad i got the notification really.

Even worse is this with "Sponsored" links/likes on Facebook ... When it pops up on your wall that your dead friend liked a page or something like that ... Creeps me out.

Even worse than that when they use the pictures in advertising!

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/facebook-ads-showin...

Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea

#160

Post by pstack »

I don't use social networks and my family is separate from my friends are separate from my colleagues.

When I die, I expect it to take a few days or more before anyone notices. Then neighbors and immediate family will be aware, followed eventually by work and then my colleagues. My friends (who are all out of state) will probably never know.

I worried about it for like five minutes, once, but then realized that by the time it mattered, I would be dead, so why would I care at that point.

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