This happened with the first friend I ever made taking my CS degree. We were in a lot of classes together and corresponded on a semi-regular basis on Facebook over school breaks and things. I had talked to him a couple months prior to this school year starting, but once I got back and noticed he wasn't in any of the classes we were supposed to have together, a mutual friend of ours informed me that he had committed suicide over the summer. It was so jarring that just a few months had passed and he was gone. I looked back on our Facebook messages. I had no idea he was in any sort of distress. The last thing he had sent me was some funny cat gif and I hadn't responded. I know it's silly but I wish I had replied, thinking that it would have made a difference somehow.
A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
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Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#12I deleted and recreated my Google account recently. Some deceased friends of mine have "added me". An unsettling feeling.
Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#13As one of the older folks on HN, I can tell you that death in the age of facebook is strange in that even when they are gone there's still a "there-ness" to them thanks to left over accounts. Its almost like at any moment, a tweet will pop up or an update to a wall... Perhaps that's the 21st century version of seeing ghosts.
It's very unsettling. I'm still in college but I've had a couple friends who have passed. I just don't have the heart to unfriend their accounts. Once in a while, I'll be browsing Facebook and their account will pop up. Some other friend will comment on their page or something like that, and for a brief instant, you think they're still alive somehow (which makes no sense of course) before you realize it's just someone interacting with their page.
Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#14I've had this happen to in the past. I may be cynical but I think most people just don't care enough about cultivating friendships with you, especially post-college. We just become too preoccupied with our jobs, family, obligations, etc. Even when we do have time to connect, we rather just sit in the couch and watch Breaking Bad instead.. too much effort. So yes, OP's thoughts are nice, but in the end, most of us just fall back to old habits.
Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#15As one of the older folks on HN, I can tell you that death in the age of facebook is strange in that even when they are gone there's still a "there-ness" to them thanks to left over accounts. Its almost like at any moment, a tweet will pop up or an update to a wall... Perhaps that's the 21st century version of seeing ghosts.
And the post-death messages that they like Ikea, or Chipotle, which are spooky, weird and tacky, all at once.
Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#16This is why setting up a deathswitch with a trusted friend to manage your online accounts upon death is critical. Wills are nice and all but I don't trust my close family to be proficient enough to correctly close out my online accounts.
Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#17This happened with the first friend I ever made taking my CS degree. We were in a lot of classes together and corresponded on a semi-regular basis on Facebook over school breaks and things. I had talked to him a couple months prior to this school year starting, but once I got back and noticed he wasn't in any of the classes we were supposed to have together, a mutual friend of ours informed me that he had committed s…
> I had no idea he was in any sort of distress.
> I know it's silly but I wish I had replied, thinking that it would have made a difference somehow.
In case you're still harboring any sense of guilt over this, please don't. You are not responsible for your friend's death.
This is a common reaction when a friend or acquaintance commits suicide; it's normal, but don't let it get the better of you.
Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#18This reminds me of what I saw a couple weeks ago on Facebook.
I saw a friend's birthday popping up on FB. Then messages to that friend sending wishes of happy birthday and good health, peace, and everything else people wish you on your bday, started popping up on my timeline.
The problem was: she died two months ago. I didn't know exactly how to feel about that...
The funny thing is that this happened in a small town (13k people), where everybody knows each other.
That's when I decided to remove my birth date from FB. That is about the only time most of your "friends" will remember that you (may still) exist.
Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#19This is why setting up a deathswitch with a trusted friend to manage your online accounts upon death is critical. Wills are nice and all but I don't trust my close family to be proficient enough to correctly close out my online accounts.
Any suggestions on how to actually do this?
Re: A friend died nearly 2 years ago. I had no idea
#20Wow. This almost makes me want to reactivate my facebook. Powerful post, bravo!
Strange, it makes me feel glad I actually phone my friends.
Yeah, Facebook "friendships" are not the same (though it's handy for keeping up to date with people :) ).
I at least have learned to post a "curated" version of my life online (after I was shown it wasn't good to share everything, even though I do tend to be quite open by default), and I assume many do the same, so you're not learning what's really happening with peoples' lives.