Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#1

Post by vincentellis » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 3:23 PM UTC

My wife is a very talented software engineer. She's also very good when it comes to handling business requirements and communicating that to the whole team, and also sharing her experience with younger developers. However, we work in a misogynistic, hostile and sexist industry. I've lost the count of how many times she came home frustrated, angered or even in tears, after being discredited, ignored or disrespected for no apparent reason other than being a woman. I've lost the count of how many times she told me about how she explained something to the team, with everyone bashing her, and after a few weeks, someone else (a guy) explaining the same thing and everyone praising the guy.

I'm sad and frustrated to see such a talented person being a victim of our industry's worst problem. I want to help, to support her. But i have no idea how. This is why i'm writing this post: Women of HN, Women of IT... how do you deal with this situation? How can i, as a husband, help my wife and support her, other than just being there? How did you manage to bring respect to your work place? How did you manage to make a misogynistic asshole to respect you as a fellow engineer, and more importantly, more experienced?

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#2

Post by MattBearman » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 3:47 PM UTC

Being male I can't begin to understand what your wife is experiencing, but it sounds to me like she could do with working somewhere else. There must be other, more forward-thinking companies that would love to hire her.

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#3

Post by LeoSolaris » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 3:56 PM UTC

Handle it like any other abusive relationship. Make it an ex-.

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#4

Post by thejteam » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 4:01 PM UTC

MattBearman wrote: post #2

Being male I can't begin to understand what your wife is experiencing, but it sounds to me like she could do with working somewhere else. There must be other, more forward-thinking companies that would love to hire her.

My thought as well. The problem is this specific workplace. My wife has also experienced the same things that the OP wrote about while a teacher and librarian, two of the most female dominated professions in the country. And this held true even when she has had female bosses.

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#5

Post by ig1 » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 4:20 PM UTC

It's a mistake to jump to the assumption that it's just because of gender. Exactly the same thing happens to plenty of other people, maybe it's because the other person explained it in a different way, maybe because they don't like her on a personal level (irrespective of gender). It might be related to gender but don't discount that other factors could be at play.

In any case changing jobs would seem to be the obvious solution regardless of the underlying reason.

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#6

Post by cprncus » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 4:32 PM UTC

I think details matter here. What you've described is a little too general to know what's really going on. For example, when you say "everyone bashed her", what would we read in the transcript? How many is "everyone"? How was she bashed?

I agree that it might be sexism...and it might not. I'd have to know more. I know a talented scientist woman who, at least in one point in her career, put across a very "flaky" image to other scientists, and one of them told her so. She felt hurt about it, but it was true. I think since then she has tuned up her presentation style and probably doesn't get this concern now. But in our context, it surely wasn't because she was a woman, because there were at least 10 other women in her position that were not getting that sort of feedback whatsoever; on the contrary, they were held in high regard generally.

If it is sexism (or at least that's a component of it), what a shame.

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#7

Post by vincentellis » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 4:48 PM UTC

ig1 wrote: post #5

It's a mistake to jump to the assumption that it's just because of gender. Exactly the same thing happens to plenty of other people, maybe it's because the other person explained it in a different way, maybe because they don't like her on a personal level (irrespective of gender). It might be related to gender but don't discount that other factors could be at play. In any case changing jobs would seem to be the obvio…

She's very experienced and proficient with various technologies, so i don't think it's a technical issue. I feel that colleagues might be "insulted" of having a woman being senior and telling them what to do and how to do it.

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#8

Post by vincentellis » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 4:50 PM UTC

thejteam wrote: post #4

MattBearman wrote: post #2

Being male I can't begin to understand what your wife is experiencing, but it sounds to me like she could do with working somewhere else. There must be other, more forward-thinking companies that would love to hire her.

My thought as well. The problem is this specific workplace. My wife has also experienced the same things that the OP wrote about while a teacher and librarian, two of the most female dominated professions in the country. And this held true even when she has had female bosses.

Well, we're buying an apartment and changing jobs is not an option for both of us. But i'm more worried on a general scale: what if the next place is the same? (which probably is)

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#9

Post by painterforever » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 4:57 PM UTC

I hate to be a stick in the mud, but is your wife attractive, young, always well dressed and made (hair styled, makeup applied well, nicely accessorized)? If your wife is what you would consider "a very pretty woman", she may be discredited because she is in fact HOT. Our society has decided that hot women are probably stupid women. It is the same case if you aren't so hot, if you are ugly, you are probably also stupid. Perhaps the men tried to make a move on her and she shot them down, and as punishment are treating her like a box of rocks. Maybe there is another woman that works with her that is older and less pretty and is trashing her behind her back. I had a older, burnt out woman as a mid level super who treated me (and 2 other girls) like damn crap because I (and the other girls) were young, students, and not fat and ugly like her. She hated her life, and was insane and miserable. She wanted to bring us down to her level. Your wife needs to find a new job. She is being held back.

Re: Supporting a talented wife in our misogynistic industry

#10

Post by mathattack » Fri, Sep 27, 2013, 4:59 PM UTC

My 2 cents (not a woman):

- It may be bad in technology, but it's much worse in some other industries. (Like Finance)

- There are companies that are known for making a stand on discrimination and other similar issues. She should actively seek one of these out, rather than try to change the culture in a place that isn't.