Ask HN: "Dumbing yourself down" around your peers?

1. The average HN reader/commenter is way nerdier than is normal and some late comers to the party that is social skills get aggressive about it. If I can overcome my (para) Asperger's so should you! But it sounds like you're one of those people who are of intersection partyer/social animal & nerd (one interested in knowledge for its own sake)

2. And they don't hang out with people of normal intelligence much. Otherwise they'd know they were smarter than average. [This is not a value judgement on someone's worth as a human being, just on whether they're interesting to talk to on an ongoing basis, or only a few times with interestingness decreasing]

3. I think your problem is not hanging around with smart people. That's it. Occasionally abrasive, intelligent, talkative, argumentative, smart people. Hanging out with people you have to watch yourself with, who you have to consciously tailor your behaviour to is a chore.

4. [asshole] Give me a break. Generalisations work statistically, that's why you've noticed them. If you develop an individual relationship with someone, sure, relate to them as a person, but stupidly huge amounts of human interaction and behaviour can be modelled and gamed if you want to put the time and effort in to learn and apply it. You're over correcting because the cant says that everyone is a special unique snowflake and your experience tells you that's not true but it's not socially acceptable to say that kind of thing. Be more confident in your own experiences [/asshole]

5. Yes, it is, just not with people who get all huffy about this stuff.

6. Hey, if you can get along with everybody at the party even when you've got vanishingly little in common with them, maybe you can go for something where that's useful professionally. Personally I recommend heading to the real big city and hanging out with intellectual peers with a similarly ridiculous range of interests. They might not know what you're talking about but they'll be able to ask intelligent questions, and they'll want to and you'll be able to do the same with them.

Coming to this late I doubt anybody will read this but I am surprised nobody has made the obvious point: Many people's social circles contract as they get older. As you mature, it is natural to reach the conclusion that life is too short to spend on some people and that there are other, better things that you can do with your time. What you are complaining about is socialising in an environment that for whatever reason, you can't be yourself (in this case, because you can't correct people when they say something obviously wrong, but it could have been any other reason).

So don't. Decrease the quantity of your socialising, increase the quality, and spend your time doing something that gives you genuine pleasure, even if it means doing it on your own.

I've felt similarly, but I found that part of the problem was that I was seeking acceptance and participation from my friends, even though I was occupying myself with increasingly specific and esoteric things. Part of the solution was just caring less what other people think, and mentioning to them only the pretty/nifty/cool/engaging things that I work on, not the theoretical stuff.

Another good tip is that, with some time and effort, you can largely shape the kind of new friends you meet, especially today with the web. You could organise some informal gettogethers, interest groups, lectures, etc. Providing free beer helps a lot. Leverage your workplace, your school, your local watering hole. Hunt for people who are doing the same things you do. Blog about what you do, so others can find it. These days, you can automate a lot of this just by setting up search feeds on Google, Twitter, etc. Even on something as noisy as Twitter, there's someone talking about fluid dynamics, linguistics, philosophy, etc. Find them, see what places they link to, and join their communities so you can find out where they hang out in real life. The trick is to not treat the online world as a separate place where the "cool people hang out", but simply the medium through which "cool people hook up". Most of the people you want to hang out with are in the same boat as you: bored, alone and online.

The fact is that you are less likely to meet someone truly interested in your pursuits than just regular 'nice people'. Accept this, but make sure you are ready to encounter these special people and show them, very quickly, that you are a smart person worth getting to know and worth having in depth conversations with.

Also, though the hacker lifestyle has its perks, it never hurts to expand your interests to include more outdoor activities. Often you can be as intellectual and nerdy about those as you want, without suffering the nerd penalty.

As for correcting people on urban legends: people don't like being told they're wrong and many people enjoy urban legends for the drama and excitement, because it gives them a story to tell. Often they don't really care if it's true or not.

If you do like I did--stumble across a woman with an IQ 50% higher than mine--then yes. And if the two of you are reasonably compatible, then you should consider marrying her. Otherwise, there's a good chance that a girlfriend would not alleviate the problem. At any rate, if you're interested in talking to a couple who has similar feelings, you can contact me at gmail.