Ask HN: I can't think straight, my life is in limbo, and I want to end it now

1. You don't need your father to "want you" or "call you his son" to be happy.

2. You can sell your apartment or drop the mortgage. It is not the end of your life.

3. You can take care of someone else only if you love yourself first. You don't have to take care of your mother.

4. So you quit your job, big fucking deal. You will eventually find another job. Hell, you can find a job making fries. Remember that.

5. Everyone makes mistakes; yes, even mistakes bigger than yours. It is not the end of the world.

Look man, life is harsh for everyone. The world knocks you hard sometimes. You gotta be there for yourself. You gotta love yourself. That is the only way to fight.

I've known rejection my whole life. By my father, by family, by girls, by kids at school. When you give love and get rejection in return, it hurts. I stopped expecting anything in return when I give. I was picked on by every bully that came my way since primary school. My grandmother gave me nicknames all the time. I had no friends growing up and I thought of running away every day. I dropped out of college to support myself, took some financial risks and lost all my money. I quit my job a couple of days ago and I still have to get a new job. I'm on my last dime as I'm typing this.

But I know, somewhere on this earth, there's someone who needs me. I know it doesn't have to be someone I know today, it doesn't have to be my family, the girls that rejected me or my father (he wasn't there for the 20 years I needed him, then he passed away and we never met, having only spoken twice on the phone for no more than 2 minutes each time). Maybe it's an orphan who needs a mentor, maybe it's a woman who will think I'm "the one". Maybe it's a startup that needs another programmer, maybe it's just someone on the side of the road who just needs someone to talk to.

My good man, I just told you my story to show that there's still hope for people like us. We've known the worst, we've known failure and rejection but that's what makes us strong. We know how to give even when everything around us seems like a conspiracy to make us quit. You just gotta hold on. Speak to someone, call the suicide watch line. It will get better if you're willing to speak to someone.

All the best

This. No matter what relationships are dropped or attachments are taken from us there is nothing more beautiful than the friendship and love that is waiting for us out there. Hope drives this. All it takes is for us to seek it.

First of all, you should really contact professionals or a suicide line.

There was a time in my life where I felt exactly the same way as you do. My life was worthless, I'm inherently broken, the same stuff you say to yourself. These thoughts and feelings take a toll on us. I got on the phone with a counselor and I could barely answer any of their questions about what day I should schedule an appointment.

You're not broken or less resilient than others. Many people have similar problems. You just can't tell from their public face.

A professional is your best bet, but in addition to that - if you just want to hang out and talk about stuff, tech, life, otherwise, contact me anytime. I'm in Vancouver. neilk@neilk.net.