Ask HN: How do hackers make friends?

I've gotten so lonely that for the past three months, every Friday and Saturday night, I've walked aimlessly around campus for hours, hoping to find a friend since I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm just desperate for someone to like me enough to do something with me, or think that I'm more than just someone to say "Hi" to in class. It doesn't help that I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was 16, which obviously makes things tougher, but I'm sure many hackers face related problems in finding similar interests. I have no physical impediments for social affairs (I'm tall, take care of my health and exercise regularly).

If you guys could offer any tips in terms of ways to turn acquaintances into friends, or how to be more social, I would be very grateful. I'm feeling more and more depressed every day because of this and it's starting to make me lose hope for my future.

I've always felt like I have very few __friends__, and many friendly acquaintances. I'm not sure I can tell you how to make them: in some cases it was as simple as finding another nerdy kid with whom to talk about things (computers, math, puzzles, chess), and in others my close friend said, "This is ___.", and at some point (years later) I realized that I was good friends with the guy he had introduced.

Are there things you like to do besides programming? Do you have interests in science fiction, movies, or the outdoors? You might try team sports (like ultimate frisbee) or computer team contests (ACM, I think?). Consider going to clubs, or looking for other people that are similarly as secluded as you, and talk with them. (It's hard. I'm terrible at it. Sorry I can't give better advice.)

People aren't (usually) friendly with you because you are inherently awesome, or they are your perfect friend -- rather, people will want to hang out with you if _they_ feel that you care about them, about what they think, and about their wellbeing. That is, you are acting like a friend to them. I'm not sure how to tell the difference between someone acting like a friend to you and __being__ a friend, but the former seems to come as reciprocity. (I likely don't understand this at all!)

I've found friends (and my wife) in the SCA (history nerds) and while playing games online -- not because I went there to find friends, but because I found people who shared a common interest, and who for some reason were interested in sharing their thoughts and time with me. Most often, my friends have been within my peer group at the time (most of my friends now are parents, like I am).

See if you can find something to do that involves time with other people, where everyone has a plausible pretext for being there together. Whether it's your campus film club, computer club, people who already share something in common with you are more likely to engage in small talk. If you have Asperger's, that may be hard. Consider listening, rather than trying to "solve" when they share problems. Ask questions, find out what they like. I'm not even sure how to do this - I've found most of my (few) friends by accident.

Oh dear, sorry to hear that. I'd invite you out but I'm on the West Coast.

Well, what you are going to have to do is start inviting other people out. When you're talking to an acquaintance that you find interesting, propose a dinner date or some other relevant activity (eg if they say they're curious about a movie or some upcoming sports game that you might also enjoy, propose going together). If you're not sure what a person is interested in, or don't know much about them, ask - when's their birthday, what do they think of that upcoming movie you're intersted by, what type of movies,/music/activities they like in general. Don't interrogate them, obviously - limit the number of guestions and give them time to answer.

You can also be frank about your own difficulties; mentioning Asperger's may sound like a medical problem, but it's perfectly OK to say 'I'm bad at finding cool places to go' or 'I'm bored hanging around the campus all the time, do you know of anything cool going on next weekend?' without making people think of the word 'syndrome.' And make plenty of time for listening to others (which I had to learn as a skill), because often they'll tell you about similar challenges they face. You don't need to have solutions for those challenges; eg if your acquaintance also mentions that s/he doesn't know anywhere cool to go, you could say 'let's just check out some place at random next weekend then.' It's OK to be shy, and to say that you're shy. If you're in a conversation and can't thinkof what to say, it's fine to say you don't know what to say. Social awkwardness is normal enough that nobody's going to hold it against you for admitting to it from time to time.

Think of friendships as a bit like gardening - you plant some seeds (make acquaintances) and you need to water them (regular social contact, pleasantries, small talk), but it takes a while for them to break ground and start growing up out of the earth, and staring at them won't make that happen any faster. So for the time being, just keep being good to your existing acquaintances, and display your interest in getting to know them better. Sooner or later you're bound to discover mutual interests, and once you have something to talk about in depth it's easy for a relationship to grow from there.

I am an introvert, didn't really interact with people much when I was younger, but when I got older I found that roleplaying games, specifically live action roleplaying dramatically improved my social skills, taught me how to interact on a team, how to lead, etc. It's geeky, but that shouldn't frighten you, because you will meet people with a range of social skills. One place you can check is owbn.net, see if there are any games near you.

gknoy suggests the SCA which is another good way to meet people.

The other thing you could do is involve yourself in the internet, and socialize that way. Join a group minecraft server, or second life, or something. Even interacting on forums or subreddits.

Finally, try hanging out in the computer lab. Maybe help people. Become a lab tutor... that's one way to have a built in group of people to interact with.