Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out • Hacker News Board

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#51

Post by niyazpk » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 9:52 AM UTC

kurumban wrote: post #40

Mgreen wrote: post #22

I live in the South Indian state of Kerala. Here 'arranged marriage' means parents and relatives get a chance to background-check the future partner before you do. So for a girl, this means your parents check on the boy's character , his earning potential , the way his parents made money and other related aspects. If parents are happy, a meeting is arranged.If the girl and boy likes to go forward with a relationship,…

poda pulle nayinte mone. The sick orthodox views of the people of Kerala is debilitating to the modern man. One is expected to stay celibate till the age pf marriage which tends to be around age 25. Suppression of hormonal urges has a crippling effect on the mind. College life in Kerala is the worst all over India. Apart from the impossibility to have sex thanks to the conservative views of the mallu girls, there's a…

"the culuture of Kerala is one that I despise beyond all"

We can understand your 'Culture' from the language you use in public forums like this.

Being polite will not hurt you much.

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#52

Post by markessien » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 10:15 AM UTC

randomwalker wrote: post #11

Or, maybe, here's a radical thought--the next time one of these men meets someone he likes, he could ask her out. The whole arranged marriage nonsense is a blight on the Indian community. Needless to say, it often leads to loveless marriages; further, the fact that you're making life decisions based on scant information results in bizarre situations like the consultant in the article who can't find a wife because the…

How do you explain the very high divorce rate in societies with non-arranged marriages then? Should such societies not have a very high success rate, since the individuals make their own choices?

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#53

Post by qw » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 10:46 AM UTC

niyazpk wrote: post #49

zaidf wrote: post #38

If I have learned one thing about arranged marriages from my close-knit extended family of 100+, it is that no two arranged marriages are same. The ONE element that almost all arranged marriages I've seen do have in common is SOME strong referral or existing friendship between the two families. In that sense, they work a lot like VC referrals:) The type of arranged marriage most common to my larger family is a love m…

"All my uncles(including my Dad)" I think the statement is mathematically incorrect.

Not necessarily. If his parents were brother and sister, his dad would also be his uncle.

But the OP most likely meant "All my uncles AND my dad"

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#54

Post by ahoyhere » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 10:50 AM UTC

markessien wrote: post #52

randomwalker wrote: post #11

Or, maybe, here's a radical thought--the next time one of these men meets someone he likes, he could ask her out. The whole arranged marriage nonsense is a blight on the Indian community. Needless to say, it often leads to loveless marriages; further, the fact that you're making life decisions based on scant information results in bizarre situations like the consultant in the article who can't find a wife because the…

How do you explain the very high divorce rate in societies with non-arranged marriages then? Should such societies not have a very high success rate, since the individuals make their own choices?

You're joking, right? The logical flaw in that question isn't poking you in the eyeball as you type?

Whenever a society is permissive of divorce, the divorce rate rises.

When a society strongly disapproves of divorce (or makes it legally tough), well, that's another matter.

There's a high correlation between societies with arranged marriage traditions and a disapproval of divorce. (A->B not necessarily B->A.)

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#55

Post by ShellDragon » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 11:42 AM UTC

kurumban wrote: post #40

Mgreen wrote: post #22

I live in the South Indian state of Kerala. Here 'arranged marriage' means parents and relatives get a chance to background-check the future partner before you do. So for a girl, this means your parents check on the boy's character , his earning potential , the way his parents made money and other related aspects. If parents are happy, a meeting is arranged.If the girl and boy likes to go forward with a relationship,…

poda pulle nayinte mone. The sick orthodox views of the people of Kerala is debilitating to the modern man. One is expected to stay celibate till the age pf marriage which tends to be around age 25. Suppression of hormonal urges has a crippling effect on the mind. College life in Kerala is the worst all over India. Apart from the impossibility to have sex thanks to the conservative views of the mallu girls, there's a…

This gentleman is seriously sick!

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#56

Post by markessien » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 11:54 AM UTC

ahoyhere wrote: post #54

markessien wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do you explain the very high divorce rate in societies with non-arranged marriages then? Should such societies not have a very high success rate, since the individuals make their own choices?

You're joking, right? The logical flaw in that question isn't poking you in the eyeball as you type? Whenever a society is permissive of divorce, the divorce rate rises. When a society strongly disapproves of divorce (or makes it legally tough), well, that's another matter. There's a high correlation between societies with arranged marriage traditions and a disapproval of divorce. (A->B not necessarily B->A.)

You're right, but at the same time you are not directly addressing the question: Societies where marriages are based of 'love' have a very high divorce rate. Divorce in America or Europe is not easy, it's a long and expensive process. But there is still a 50% or so divorce rate.

What the question really boils down to is this: Are people happier in general in societies with predominantly arranged marriages or in societies with love marriages. It would be great if we had this dataset directly, but without the data, we can say that about 1/2 of every marriage in non-arranged cultures end up so unhappy that they break up. We do not have corresponding data for societies with arranged marriages if what you say is taken into account.

But in general, if so many of these non-arranged marriages are dissolving, it seems to show to me that simply letting the young people choose without any vetting process is not leading to good results. A 50% failure rate is not acceptable.

Your argumentation bypasses the fundamental issue.

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#57

Post by zaidf » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 12:07 PM UTC

niyazpk wrote: post #49

zaidf wrote: post #38

If I have learned one thing about arranged marriages from my close-knit extended family of 100+, it is that no two arranged marriages are same. The ONE element that almost all arranged marriages I've seen do have in common is SOME strong referral or existing friendship between the two families. In that sense, they work a lot like VC referrals:) The type of arranged marriage most common to my larger family is a love m…

"All my uncles(including my Dad)" I think the statement is mathematically incorrect.

Heh. Nice catch.

The word "and" instead of "including" is more appropriate.

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#58

Post by colins_pride » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 12:09 PM UTC

niyazpk wrote: post #49

zaidf wrote: post #38

If I have learned one thing about arranged marriages from my close-knit extended family of 100+, it is that no two arranged marriages are same. The ONE element that almost all arranged marriages I've seen do have in common is SOME strong referral or existing friendship between the two families. In that sense, they work a lot like VC referrals:) The type of arranged marriage most common to my larger family is a love m…

"All my uncles(including my Dad)" I think the statement is mathematically incorrect.

The term uncle means different things to people from different cultures

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#59

Post by sethg » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 1:08 PM UTC

Coincidentally, the Boston Globe Magazine's "Coupling" feature just ran an essay by an Indian attorney living in DC, who has been ashamed to admit that her parents bought a newspaper ad and arranged an introduction to the man whom she will marry this summer.

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/04/...

Re: Ineligible Bachelors: Indian Men Living in U.S. Strike Out

#60

Post by geebee » Mon, Apr 06, 2009, 1:14 PM UTC

A lot of people forget how recently westerns imported brides of their own. My family arrived in San Francisco from Quebec in the mid 1840s, but my grandfather (married in the late 1930s) was the first to stop importing french speaking brides. It went on for generations. Sheesh.

That said, I'm really, really, really glad he put an end to this little tradition of ours.