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The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

jmtame.posthaven.com

171–180 of 258 posts

Re: The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

#171
Another question is, of course, if straight dating can be fixed at all. After short stints on all the major dating websites, and of course trying to date in the real world, I've come to believe that the basic expectations people have can't really be satisfied, mostly by virtue of mathematics.

The following is a male perspective, but I think the observations should be on par for the other side as well:

First, there is supply and demand. There are not a lot of available women around (once you exclude the spam accounts), and that may very well be in large part due to Hollywood expectations. There are, however, a lot of men. That fact alone means that for most men, this won't work out at all. Once you get past a certain age (say 30), this mirrors the situation of the physical world exactly. At this point, it's a game of playing musical chairs that a lot of us simply can't win. But it only gets worse.

While most of the female profiles portray fundamentally damaged people, the men are overwhelmingly fit, handsome, and great in general. This could mean that women are just more honest in filling out these profiles, but it could also mean that women only join online dating sites if they have absolutely no other alternative left, whereas men create profiles as a matter of course.

So being me, I can't begin to compete with the other guys on attractiveness, or money, or general awesomeness. Not only that, I'm so vastly outnumbered it's not even funny. And the very limited resource we're competing on seems to be mostly reluctant, frustrated women who hate being on the site in the first place.

And in what I can only assume is a typical pattern, I meet exponentially more women AFK than online. Now if it continually isn't working out in meatspace, there is really no reason to assume it's going to be any different if the introduction was through a website. If anything, online-induced meetups are vastly more awkward. At least if you meet organically, it can always be in a friendly non-committal social context. When you meet online dates, it has to be about dating.

I don't think this is fixable. I'm not sure it should be fixable. There are plenty of people who still profit from online dating, but it doesn't really provide any discernable advantages for people who are already at a disadvantage. The perception that there must be someone out there for every single one of us is also a Hollywood myth.

In fact the only reason I can conceive where online dating makes sense is for attractive people who just don't get to meet a lot of potential partners in their daily lives. Now, that's not a small market. It may even be the majority of cases. But it took me a while to figure out that there is not a lot online dating can do for you if you don't belong to that group.

Having friends make your advertising for you doesn't change these mechanics. Of course it might improve the quality of the experience for the above-mentioned privileged group, but at the end of the day I'll have exactly the same odds as on any other dating site. To some degree, all dating sites (even those genuinely interested in making online dating not suck) capitalize on the Hollywood illusion that somewhere out there is my reasonably perfect match. They're playing on the assumption that everyone is dateable, and they in fact have to deceive you into thinking that the world of dating is not as depressing as it actually is.

Online dating works well for people who are already likely to be successful at dating AFK. For these people, online dating could probably be optimized. For others, probably not.

Re: The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

#172

Brian from OkCupid Labs here... This post contains some really interesting and spot on insights. Some of the data doesn't line up with our (match + okcupid, etc) internal estimates/figures. For example, our estimates are closer to 50% of US have tried online dating, and 50% havent; significantly lower than that in other geographies. The idea of serendipity is definitely a real issue, and a frustrating one, because ju…

> our minds are focused on finding the future of dating in mobile, big data, leveraging social networks, and discovering how to create serendipitous connections through the above.

You should make a "Netflix challenge" for online dating.

Re: The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

#175
OKC is pretty predictive, due to quality questions such as: "STALE is to STEAL as 89475 is to..."

The depressing thing is jt2005 got it wrong :( It's the single most predictive question I've found on OKC.

Re: The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

#176
post #142

Sign Up is broken. http://www.cupidwithfriends.com/sorry : Firefox has detected that the server is redirecting the request for this address in a way that will never complete. The same issue with Chrome: The webpage at http://www.cupidwithfriends.com/sorry has resulted in too many redirects. Clearing your cookies for this site or allowing third-party cookies may fix the problem. If not, it is possibly a server configu…

Do you have >50 Facebook friends when you try to join?

Re: The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

#177
post #145

I don't know where the author gets his statistics from, but I am skeptical that 75% of the population in the US uses online dating. It often takes decades for social and sexual mores to change (if you don't believe me, take a look at the ample evidence from history). I suppose I fail to grasp the value proposition of a service such as this, though it is certainly an interesting experiment.

http://www.statisticbrain.com/online-dating-statistics/

Re: The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

#178
post #171

Another question is, of course, if straight dating can be fixed at all. After short stints on all the major dating websites, and of course trying to date in the real world, I've come to believe that the basic expectations people have can't really be satisfied, mostly by virtue of mathematics. The following is a male perspective, but I think the observations should be on par for the other side as well: First, there is…

> the men are overwhelmingly fit, handsome, and great in general

I'm not ashamed to say I've used online dating with great success :) I'm by no means "fit", "handsome" or otherwise awesome - and my dating successes before OKCupid amount to very little.

However... I'm a pretty nice guy. And a lot of the guys on dating sites, especially those that actively message people, are jerks that no one wants to date. The secret is that many guys are on there because they have no alternative either!

As you say, there are many less women on these sites. But when you filter out the creepers and jerks it's probably about even.

Everyone I've dated from websites (~6 dates, 2 of which turned into relationships) has said something like "well, I was going to give up on it because everyone was a jerk, but then your message was so nice".

The key is to take an interest and be pleasant. It's ridiculous how many doors that opens in real life, let alone online dating!

> When you meet online dates, it has to be about dating.

Isn't that the appeal? There is none of the "are we on a date" mechanics. Both of you are there looking for something.

Re: The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

#179
post #171

Another question is, of course, if straight dating can be fixed at all. After short stints on all the major dating websites, and of course trying to date in the real world, I've come to believe that the basic expectations people have can't really be satisfied, mostly by virtue of mathematics. The following is a male perspective, but I think the observations should be on par for the other side as well: First, there is…

Why would there be a lot more single men than women around? That don't really match the statistics (assuming you are from the US or Europe at least).

Re: The Lie Hollywood Loves to Tell

#180
post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While your point is valid, I'm left wondering if too much openness becomes a problem. When I was single, I made an OkCupid profile and decided to, for better or worse, be as open and honest as possible (a principle I adhere to in meat space as well). I had over 1200 questions (this is a lot) answered and never tried to make myself seem like something I wasn't. I figured I was doing everything right, and I was optimis…

I'd firmly advice against being open about your personal information on the internet, especially on a dating site. I understand every big internet corporation is pushing the idea that privacy is dead and that you ought to put every thing about you online for every one to see. But what made the internet great is its pseudonymous nature. Don't lie on your profile, but don't put up identifying personal info either.

You mean, like a picture?
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