Things You Think Aren’t Sexist, But Really Are

That's not remotely what you were conveying in your original piece, despite whatever intentions you may have. Go read your original words about offering a hug vs what you just wrote as the parent of my comment -- they're just plain not the same.

That fine-grain material, your incorrect use of the word "sexist"/"sexism" and your stated desire to create a COMPLETELY de-sexualized environment in places that have thousands of people (PyCon this year had a larger population than the town in which I grew up) just makes this stuff really hard to read.

We're missing out on REAL sexism by people complaining about getting hit on and hugs and shit. It's depressing.

> Again, context matters: you’re not just hanging out at a bar drinking with your buddies, chatting up the attractive woman sitting next to you. You’re at an industry function, talking to women who are your industry peers. They’re simply not there to be hit on – even in ways that might not be creepy in another setting.

Wait a second. Is the bar reserved by the conference organizers for the exclusive use of conference attendees? Or is this just the regular bar at the conference hotel, open to not only conference attendees, but attendees of other concurrent events there, and open to individual hotel guests there as not part of an event, and open to anyone who cares to wander in off the street?

If the latter, then I can't agree with some blanket rule against asking someone about considering a romantic relationship. Quite a lot of people, of all sexes, genders, and orientations, want romantic partners who are their peers, but must exclude the possibility of such partnerships with their co-workers because of the problems that can cause in their work place. Many such people (of all sexes, genders, and orientations) congregate at parties and bars at conferences because those are one of the few occasions to meet peers in a social situation that allows seeking romantic partnerships.

Use common sense. People who are at the bar because they have switched from "conference" mode to "social" mode and are looking to meet new people for social purposes should be distinguishable from people who are at the bar because they wanted to find a place that they could drink while they continued discussing the subject of the conference. The former should not ask the latter for dates. When in doubt, play it safe and don't ask.

As I've mentioned before, culture matters too. I've mentioned before that in France, sexual tension at the workplace is pretty commonplace in big cities. It's kind of a way of enjoying oneself at work among colleagues. It's typically viewed as harassment, though in some cases it can become so in France as well. Also, imagine the 70s when, at least young unmarried, people were a lot less preoccupied by what previous generations found sexually acceptable and not. Lots of people were more into romping off (of course this was before the wide spread of diseases) --it helped that in the late 60s easy contraception became available.

So, I think a lot of how sexual innuendo and repartee and double entendres is received is dependent on society and mores. I'm not saying contemporary America should emulate any other society, just saying it's not necessarily a given that our way of understanding this is the one way to view this.

Here's a different example. For some people male circumcision is seen as the right way and even extol health benefits --to others it's tantamount to mutilation and undue suffering such that some locales have considered banning the practice.

Oh, did I sound grumpy? I was totally going for sweet and agreeable, but I guess I chose the wrong words.