Anxiety, Depression, Technology, and Me

Great article.

I suffer from PTSD, GAD and mild depression. Having been involved in a fairly violent street gang in high school, I had seen a lot of violence and just plain f*cked up stuff. People getting shot in front of me, a lot of situations that forced me to confront my own mortality, etc.

It really didn't hit me until about 10 years ago. I was getting off the F train at 23rd street and had an overwhelming feeling I was going to pass out, which I then interpreted as my imminent death. It was frightening because it was so out of the blue and so intense. Who wants to pass out on a subway platform? Or worse, die on a subway platform?

For the next two years I tried to find a medical reason behind that first massive panic attack, but never found one despite spending several tens of thousands of dollars on medical bills. I finally had to accept that I had these certain mental conditions.

I used to reign it in through a variety of meds; anti-depressants, klonopin, ativan, xanax. I went to a cognitive behavioral therapist to figure out how to change my thinking and learn to control it.

These days I don't take any meds and though I still have massive panic attacks now and again, they mostly don't phase me as they're so common place now and you sort of grow to accept that these things aren't going away and it's your lot in life.

The most damning aspects of anxiety disorder aren't the panic attacks, by the way. It's all the passive shit that comes with it. Hyper-vigilance and derealization have to be the worst. Hyper-vigilance means that you are so focused on your physical well being that the slightest pain, discomfort, etc. gets misinterpreted as a major medical calamity. A cough becomes lung cancer, a mild pain in your armpit becomes non-hodgkin's lymphoma, etc. With derealization, you'll have entire spans of time where nothing seems real to you at all, familiar things become unfamiliar, etc. If you've read anything by Camus, you'll have some understanding what derealization is all about. It's pretty scary shit.

But despite all of that, I have what I consider a fairly successful career. I believe that is partially due to the CBT therapy, and part to my stubbornness to not be a victim.

I do think depression and anxiety are endemic to this current generation of technologists (late 20's and up). This new generation, seems more balanced though, so maybe it's a generational thing? Not sure.

One controversial thing that has helped me, as well as hurt me, is marijuana. Most times it helps me to get out of my head, specifically on days when the anxiety is thickest. On the flip side, sometimes imbuing too much brings the anxiety like nothing else. But most times, it's been more helpful than harmful.

The photography comments are cribbed from the "Linden Method" which is a pretty successful anxiety treatment system based in the UK. The idea is that you need an engrossing hobby to keep you from obsessing about your anxiety.

A feral kitten came to a friend of mine after asking the universe to help her get rid of the voles in her garden. She name the kitten Quito, befriended him, showed him how to get in and out of the house through the doggy doors. Introduced him to the other animals in the house. This took about 2 months. Quito vole hunts during the day, and comes inside to sleep on a tower pole of carpet at night. He watches with a proud smile on his face, full of himself after doing a marvelous job vole hunting in the garden. The other day I visited my friend. I watched Quito hunt and amuse himself during the day, and at night I would walk by him and whisper to him stories. The night before i was leaving, Quito was laying in the chair I usually sat in. I sat beside him, he turned belly up, like a U, tail between his legs, paws wrapped around his tail.. GAWD.. soo cute. I told him the story of his beautiful successful day with this one particular special moment, about a hole in the tree. Quito was up in the tree eating the bark, and noticed a hole. The hole said, "Quito eat me". Quito replied, "I cannot eat you, you are a hole, you are empty...it will not fill me up." The hole replied.. but, I am infinitely filled-up inside... eat me." I made sounds of popping the hole into my mouth, and Quito took his paw and quickly tapped my lips, awww Quito tried to eat the hole, but he could not. The story distracted and satisfied Quito, he jumped down back to his tower and slept, most likely dreaming of the hole that is infinitely filled-up.

A variety of reasons. First and foremost, the side effects were typically worse than the benefits. For example, I was on Effexor XR for a year. The side effects from that included a lovely bubble sensation in your brain, sort of a cranial pressure that literally feels like your brain is growing too large for the skull it's contained in. The worst side effect, though, hits when you forget to take it. You get these things called "brain shivers" where moving your eyeballs causes an electric shock sensation in your brain. The more days you miss, the worse this gets, to the point that you are unable to get out of your bed because the slightest movement of your head results in a mildly painful shock.

Zoloft, on the other hand, is much more mild, but didn't really put a dent in it.

The benzo's were helpful, but are highly addictive. I still carry Klonopin around with me for those times when it's real thick, but I only use it as a last resort.

The most beneficial thing, for anyone suffering from anxiety, is CBT therapy as it teaches you a set of tools for navigating the anxiety and minimizing the impact of panic attacks. To me, that's far more sustainable than being a guinea pig for Pfizer. With CBT, you learn how to tackle it head on and come out on top. It takes some time, but it's doable.

For anxiety, in general, I see the AD's being used until you get to a point with CBT that you can handle it without. The long term impact of AD's are still unknowns, and their efficacy is constantly challenged. If you can get control without that dependancy, the better off you'll be. That's just my opinion though.

As for the marijuana, it took some trial and error to discover what worked there. In the last six months or so, I smoke significantly less than I used to, in fact I haven't smoked probably in the last three months, save a few times at parties or hanging with friends and playing Killzone 2. It has it's own set of problems though, but in contrast to all the other medications I've been on, it's been the most effective with the least side effects.

It is unfortunate re the negative point. My story shared was to expose a distraction from focusing on being depressed.. find a another point-of-view. I intended to share the possibility of how one can focus on the negative or the positive aspects of one's day in every moment. Reflect and find balance during your day. Start by noticing and articulating the positive moments in your day, what did fill you up? Start with simple things. Did that toast for breakfast taste wonderful. Did you look out the window and see the sky.. beautiful or amazing. Learn a new language. Re-program your thought patterns. Re-compile how you see your day. It is not always about the BIG goals and changes. Aiming for BIG all the time will deplete you and leave you emptied. Take the time to find balance in seeing life, life has tiny moments too. Like writing code one character at a time... just might add up to a more fulling life.