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Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

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Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

#1

Post by whysocurious »

Not sure if it's just me or others have observed/experienced the same.

Just like many, I want to expand my friend circle beyond the typical high-school/college and work folks.

Am I doing it wrong? I usually meet really good people at meetups etc., present myself well, but either they get super busy on weekdays or lazy/shy to follow-up. Basically, they just end up being flaky even after exchanging numbers etc.

Curious - how are you expanding your network? Sonar, Highlight, Circle or Grubwithus doesn't seem to be solving this..at least for me.

Re: Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

#5

Post by whysocurious »

whichdan wrote: post #4

Same problem in Boston. The recent HackerNews meetup was great, but I found it hard to stay connected with the people I met through reddit. Strangely, I don't have a desire to go to a lot of the Meetup.com groups..

There are sub-reddits like r4r or SFr4r but I've heard (from other redditors) that many get freaked out at the last minute on meeting strangers from the internets.

The problem I've noticed is the lack of re-engagement after initially meeting people face-to-face.

There are sites like letslunch but many 1) don't have the luxury to do >=1 hour lunch or 2) don't work in the city

Re: Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

#6

Post by randall »

Most of my bay area friends were from work. If you work at a high quality place, you'll make friends there, then as natural attrition happens, your network magically spreads to other places and gets more diverse and interesting.

(FWIW it was Justin.TV pre twitch. Holla JTV/Twitchers!)

Re: Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

#7

Post by codeonfire »

The problem is that you are expecting something out of the relationship. Friendships have to be formed serendipitously.

Networking is totally different. I would not spend more than two minutes of someone else's time unless I knew that I could immediately provide some value to them by referring another contact or providing asked-for advice. I wouldn't recontact them unless I had a referral or information they would find valuable.

Re: Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

#8

Post by chrisjtow »

Just had a conversation about this tonight. The lack of "new" encounters - including expanding a network of friends and new experiences. The reason it is hard to make new relationships is because we don't spend enough time bonding.

Technology - E-Mail/Texts/Facebook/Highlight does not build a new relationship. Technology only bridges the gap of communication.

If you think of your strongest relationships, they were built after lots of time spent with the person. In other words, bonding. And bonding takes time.

What's the longest amount of time you spend with a new person? An hour? Maybe ten minutes, multiples times a week? Try a weekend with someone, and bonding will naturally occur.

The reason good relationships are harder to develop is because we don't spend the necessary time to bond the newfound relationship. It's not one meetup or coffee, but it's doing it enough until that person is apart of your life.

Re: Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

#9

Post by nostrademons »

What's wrong with your typical high-school/college/work folks?

Basically all my friendships come from some affiliation with an organization I have. I've got a bunch from work - actually, I have like 4 different friend groups from work, all centered around a team I've worked with. I've got a group from my college alumni network. And I've got a few isolated friends left over from the Harry Potter fandom that happen to live in the area.

Re: Ask HN: Why is it so hard to make good friendships in the Bay Area?

#10

Post by lumberjack »

chrisjtow wrote: post #8

Just had a conversation about this tonight. The lack of "new" encounters - including expanding a network of friends and new experiences. The reason it is hard to make new relationships is because we don't spend enough time bonding. Technology - E-Mail/Texts/Facebook/Highlight does not build a new relationship. Technology only bridges the gap of communication. If you think of your strongest relationships, they were bu…

I agree with this and moreover I would also think that environments where you are on the same formal level and gain from sincere relationships, in both school and work also facilitate friendship.
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