Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
blogs.scientificamerican.com
Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
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Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#2"So there you have it. It’s really not a pretty picture. But, again, I do hope that if you ever are unfortunate enough to experience these cognitive dynamics in your own mind—and I, for one, very much have—or if you suspect you’re seeing behaviors in others that indicate these thought patterns may be occurring, that this information helps you to meta-cognitively puncture suicidal ideation."
I tend to think there's not a lot of value in talking publicly about suicide due to the Werther effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Copycat_suicide), and I know that for my own part reading about suicide tends to reinvigorate some pretty unfortunate cognitive patterns. But since we're already on the subject, I share this article. Bering articulates very well the experience of wanting to do yourself in. For folks who don't experience it, this might help you understand. For folks who do, maybe understanding it better will help you get past it. Don't let your depression win.
Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#3> In considering people’s motivations for killing themselves, it is essential to recognize that most suicides are driven by a flash flood of strong emotions, not rational, philosophical thoughts in which the pros and cons are evaluated critically.
That sounds very likely to me, but given my utter inexperience with suicidal thoughts or acquaintances, I'm wondering if there is any proper evidence corroborating it. What percentage of suicides are evaluated critically? Obviously, "evaluated critically" is difficult to define, let alone measure, but I'd like to see any studies done in this area.
Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#4"perhaps an irrecoverable self from a happier past"
This bums me out.
Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#5> In considering people’s motivations for killing themselves, it is essential to recognize that most suicides are driven by a flash flood of strong emotions, not rational, philosophical thoughts in which the pros and cons are evaluated critically. That sounds very likely to me, but given my utter inexperience with suicidal thoughts or acquaintances, I'm wondering if there is any proper evidence corroborating it. What…
There are a few pieces of evidence that suggest long-term depression can impact neurogenesis, which could lead to altered cognition. I don't know if that's a prevalent theory, and as the author points out, it doesn't explain non-depressive suicides.
I can, however, answer this anecdote with another anecdote. I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts for about 5 years, and at some points some very limited self-harm. On an earlier post, I detailed what I thought was my most frightening, closest-to-suicide moment.
> The scariest, closest to suicide moment I ever experienced was when I was shopping at a mall. It wasn't very busy, and I was feeling very... manic might be the word. Head down, headphones in, speed walking between errands. I had to keep moving, no matter what. I noticed the sort-of cut-away in the floor, so you could see from the top floor down to the ground. It was only 3 stories, but I had a really strong, sudden impulse to vault over the railing and see what it would do to me. Maybe I could land on my head, that might work. It was something I had never really considered before, it wasn't a very efficient way to do things, but it just gripped me very suddenly and all of a sudden it was a huge crisis. Being suicidal, generally, is death by a thousand cuts. You have a predisposition, and all the stresses in life push you in that direction (as you've said). But the jumping off the ledge moment is crucial; personally, I have strategies for daily temptations like putting away knives in the kitchen. It's the spur of something unexpected, the sudden, strong, irrational impulse that really scares me.
Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#6Speaking as someone who has been suicidal, I think that that article is a lot of hot air.
This is what it felt like to be suicidal: Imagine the worst heartbreak you have ever felt, and multiply this by ten. Imagine the worst anxiety you have ever suffered and multiply this by ten. Imagine that every second feels like a minute, in each of those minute-long-seconds, you feel like a lion is just about to jump out from around the corner and rip you apart slowly. Imagine that everything you used to enjoy is meaningless and nothing at all is fun or enjoyable. Imagine that both your parents just died in a horrible car crash right after disinheriting you because they felt you were a terrible disgrace. Imagine that you constantly obsess on what it was you did so wrong, and what you might have done differently. Imagine repeatedly reliving every word you can remember saying to them with a terrible and critical eye, and repeating to yourself every harsh word they ever said to you. Imagine that you can't think of anything else at all no matter how hard you try, and these obsessive thoughts just spin in your head over and over and over and over and over and over again with no relief. Imagine that all these feelings just go on and on and on and on and on and on, for hours, days, weeks, months, with no relief. Unrelenting torment and misery with no escape, no out, no one who can understand you, no one who can calm you, no one who can make anything the slightest bit better.
Imagine that the only reason that you didn't kill yourself in order to end this interminable torment is because you figured you'd fuck even that up and just end up a quadriplegic, and then be truly screwed, since you'd never be able to end your eternal misery then.
Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#7> In considering people’s motivations for killing themselves, it is essential to recognize that most suicides are driven by a flash flood of strong emotions, not rational, philosophical thoughts in which the pros and cons are evaluated critically. That sounds very likely to me, but given my utter inexperience with suicidal thoughts or acquaintances, I'm wondering if there is any proper evidence corroborating it. What…
It's hard to say, as many of them may not be labeled as suicides but rather "end of life decisions." One could reasonably make the argument that choosing to forego a painful medical procedure to extend one's life a few weeks or months may be an indirect form of suicide. Many patients decide that they have had a long and happy life and that the additional torment of another treatment in exchange for a chance for a small extension of time in a seemingly low quality of life is not an acceptable tradeoff. In some cases patient may then be able to request assistance in ending their life or "pulling the plug."
Luckily none of my loved ones have been in such a position, but I think that one can have rational thoughts regarding such a situation, weigh the pros and cons, and decide that you are ready to go.
Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#8Speaking as someone who has been suicidal, I think that that article is a lot of hot air. This is what it felt like to be suicidal: Imagine the worst heartbreak you have ever felt, and multiply this by ten. Imagine the worst anxiety you have ever suffered and multiply this by ten. Imagine that every second feels like a minute, in each of those minute-long-seconds, you feel like a lion is just about to jump out from a…
I can confirm this.
Those days when I would just sit in the corner of my room staring at a blank wall for ... the whole day ... not fun.
PS: I eventually got better and have remained such for years
Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#9Speaking as someone who has been suicidal, I think that that article is a lot of hot air. This is what it felt like to be suicidal: Imagine the worst heartbreak you have ever felt, and multiply this by ten. Imagine the worst anxiety you have ever suffered and multiply this by ten. Imagine that every second feels like a minute, in each of those minute-long-seconds, you feel like a lion is just about to jump out from a…
I can't decide if I think you are exaggerating. I can't help but wonder, had my lowest moments been ten times worse, whether my body would have ceased to function right on the spot. I was pumped with the most adrenaline I've ever had in my life, and I was simultaneously the most depressed I had ever been in my life. I was bouncing off the walls with nervous energy, but all I wanted was to crawl into a hole. My chest was literally in pain, and I can't help but think of people who die mixing "uppers" and "downers". 10x that? Would I have just had a heart attack right there?
Re: Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself
#10Speaking as someone who has been suicidal, I think that that article is a lot of hot air. This is what it felt like to be suicidal: Imagine the worst heartbreak you have ever felt, and multiply this by ten. Imagine the worst anxiety you have ever suffered and multiply this by ten. Imagine that every second feels like a minute, in each of those minute-long-seconds, you feel like a lion is just about to jump out from a…
>Speaking as someone who __has been__ suicidal
I've battled depression in the past, but I don't think I ever quite reached a suicidal state. The way I got out of my depression state, was to finally admit that I can't keep suffering in my current life situation anymore, and to get away from the things that were causing my anguish, anxiety, stress, and despair. I spent the next two months doing utterly nothing (well at least, nothing productive), slowly becoming healthy again.
You definitely had it much worse than me, and so I want to ask sincerely, what if anything, got you out of your depression/suicidal state of mind? Or alternately, what has helped you manage these urges and emotions?