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Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

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Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#121

Post by Pitarou »

amyyyyyyyyyy wrote: post #58

I'm going to put my thoughts down here. The sections will be: Work Escorting and sexuality Drug and alcohol addiction Family Attention What I want The plan WORK I work as a software engineer. Well, I would, if I was able to hold a job for more than 6 months without the company getting tired of me. I'm good at what I do. My bosses love my output. I have open source projects and contributions. Even on my first programm…

There are two kinds of addiction: physical and psychological.

Pure physical addiction is easy to fix. You just reduce the dose slowly enough to keep the withdrawal symptoms manageable.

Psychological addiction is much harder. Psychological addiction is a bit of your brain screaming, "I know how to solve this problem. Go out and get drunk / wired / naked right now!" And it works -- you feel good for a while. The habit becomes so ingrained you don't even notice the triggers -- just the compulsion.

On a deeper level, you have other habits of thought -- automatic assumptions and emotional responses baked in from childhood. These are the cause of the distress that led you down the path of addiction.

There comes a point when these coping reflexes cause more distress than they alleviate. You're reaching that point now, and you recognize that you're tipping into a crisis. So now you have a real choice: plunge forward, or step back from the brink.

Perhaps the best thing for you to do is to find an environment devoid of all the triggers for your compulsions (no vodka bottles or horny sugar daddies) and someone who can help you examine what's compelling you. Maybe some kind of spiritual retreat? I've mentioned this before, but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy really is effective.

Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. And don't go to LA -- that town already has more than enough crazy bitches.

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#122

Post by Pitarou »

mtowle wrote: post #52

The following probably won't see the light of day-- few of my posts here seem to, for whatever reason. And it's not a lengthy diatribe on reasons for living or reasons for suicide. Much smarter men than I have written on that subject, both recently and throughout recorded history. If it's in such words you find your personal solace, please disregard what I have to say. I never found any solace in it, though; I don't…

I'm really glad your meds worked for you.

In my case, the meds did very little for me. Prozac did nothing. Seroxat made me worse. Venlafaxine moved the needle a little but not enough to make me functional.

And I quite agree that there's no such thing as a blog post epiphany. "Epiphanies" only happen after a whole lot of other preparation behind the scenes.

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#123

Post by Pitarou »

mds_ wrote: post #37

I don't know. I've been coping with chronic depression for over a decade and I'm absolutely sick of hearing "oh, you're still young. It will get better". Reading that just pushes me towards the edge. Even if I was to be "cured" somehow—is living half a life of misery worth living half an enjoyable life? Not to me. No amount of "happiness" can offset the misery. I know everyone means well but it might not have the int…

> is living half a life of misery worth living half an enjoyable life?

Yes, it is. Like I said in the original post: I swear that life is worth more than you can possibly understand when you're depressed.

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#124

Post by Pitarou »

mds_ wrote: post #49
javajosh wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You don't know what will happen. That said, you're getting angry because those words are dismissive of your current situation. You are being invalidated. Personally, the thing that gets me is when people say stuff like "God doesn't give you a burden you can't bear." That's survivor bias if I've ever heard one - the people who didn't survive the burden aren't really around to quibble, are they! Instead of telling you…

> You don't know what will happen. You're right. But I do know life in general will always be difficult for me. Say I knew for certain things would get better in 10 years. I don't if I could wait that long. > Instead of telling you it'll get better, I'd tell you this: learn to stop thinking. It sounds weird, but it's possible. It doesn't mean go catatonic, it just means learning to recognize the thoughts that resonat…

> I do know life in general will always be difficult for me.

Life is always difficult for everyone. The thing about depression isn't that it makes life easier or harder. (Lots of illnesses do that.) It's that it robs you of your perspective -- you only see the bad things.

> Huh. So, I can choose my thoughts and get out of this mess?

Not easily, no. If you could, you'd have fixed yourself long ago. But there are techniques you can learn. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, mindfulness meditation, and so on. They really work.

Here's a simple trick that's as old as the hills. When you're facing a psychological obstacle (e.g. "Why can't I write this letter? Why is it distressing me so much?") write down what you're thinking and feeling. The act of putting it in words allows your conscious critical faculties to enter the loop, spot some of the erroneous subconscious beliefs that are screwing you up, and shoot them down.

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#125

Post by Pitarou »

tomd3v wrote: post #20

Good post, but it is much more difficult to believe in "this will pass" when you could be sentenced for 35 years.

Quite so. But I don't think he killed himself because he feared prison. I think the fear of prison caused the depression, and the depression led him to kill himself.

It may seem like I'm hair-splitting, but it's an important difference.

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#126

Post by tekromancr »

I have been trying really hard to fight my own depression for the last 5 years, and this news hit me at a particularly low point. I really want to thank the OP for posting this and helping me derail some suicidal processes I had running since discovering this. I really need help, but I am not in a position to get it, so thank you for helping me live just a little bit longer.

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#127

Post by rdl »

amyyyyyyyyyy wrote: post #58

I'm going to put my thoughts down here. The sections will be: Work Escorting and sexuality Drug and alcohol addiction Family Attention What I want The plan WORK I work as a software engineer. Well, I would, if I was able to hold a job for more than 6 months without the company getting tired of me. I'm good at what I do. My bosses love my output. I have open source projects and contributions. Even on my first programm…

Yeah, it doesn't sound like your life is that horrible objectively, and could easily improve. It sounds sound objectively empty, and you could easily be depressed in addition to that, but "empty" isn't the worst thing in the world, and isn't permanent, unlike death.

Why not just contract (so the 6mo thing isn't a problem), and ramp down the coke/liquor. Other than that, it sounds like things will get better with time, just a few years. Also it sounds like you're in the UK or Europe; GTFO and move to the US or something.

Hollywood or LA is a bad idea; SF or NYC if you want to be a SW engineer (which will probably make you happier and more fulfilled than being Lindsay Lohan).

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#128

Post by Pitarou »

tekromancr wrote: post #126

I have been trying really hard to fight my own depression for the last 5 years, and this news hit me at a particularly low point. I really want to thank the OP for posting this and helping me derail some suicidal processes I had running since discovering this. I really need help, but I am not in a position to get it, so thank you for helping me live just a little bit longer.

That really means a lot to me. I hope you'll be in a position to "pay it forward" some day.

:-)

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#129

Post by Pitarou »

_delirium wrote: post #35

In general I would agree. But if I were facing prison, it's tougher to say what the rational course of action is. It might be the decision I'd make if I were starkly given the option of suicide or decades in prison. The biggest question would be determining whether that's really the stark decision, or if there's a possibility of finding a way out of it. If acquittal is a possibility, making a decision too early would…

Life is precious, even in prison. If Aaron had lived, and gone to prison, I'm sure he'd have made a difference there, just like he made a difference in the outside world.

Re: Why you shouldn't do what Aaron did

#130

Post by lefinita »

zoba wrote: post #36

I previously struggled with intense depression that lasted about 4 years. At the end of the four years, I had a realization that was so powerful that I haven't entered a period of depression lasting more than a week in the subsequent 4 years. My hopes are that this story, and the lesson learned by the end of it, may help others. In addition, its important to state that this is my story as it happened. I am one man, w…

I really like your thought, that "The purpose of life is to discover the purpose of life". I'm not atheist, although not very religious too and I'm not person who feel any happiness, really until now I can't define what happiness is, if happiness is about money, relationship, social interaction, belongings, success, etc. I will disagree with it, I can feel 'happy' when I'm read some papers, re-proving theorem or coding. I don't know if this kind of 'happy' really a happiness or just my brain that make this things a happiness.
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