Never Lie About Who You Really Are • Hacker News Board

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#51

Post by thisone » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:42 PM UTC

agilebyte wrote: post #33

thisone wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some people still give you weird glances and awkward pauses when you use it though. In situations where it doesn't matter (and that's most of them) I've stopped correcting people who assume we're married and I've taken my partner's surname. It actually makes things easier. If they assume you're married, they generally have no problem talking to you about whatever they called to talk to your partner about. When they f…

But then it reinforces the belief there there aren't other options. Or rather, it does not show alternatives as more normal than one would assume. I guess that was the point of the article.

I can understand that, but I also don't like having to fight with a company rep because suddenly I'm not good enough to talk to.

If they want to assume I'm Mrs so-so, rather than Ms so, partner of Mr so-so, and that gets me better service, then I don't correct them.

If they ask directly, for whatever reason, I don't lie.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#52

Post by brudgers » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:42 PM UTC

jpwagner wrote: post #24

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

The analogy is crap. One's day is brief. One's relationships, longer. One's sexuality, tends to approach permanence we age.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#53

Post by gadders » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:42 PM UTC

agilebyte wrote: post #30

gadders wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

c) There are? Like "Friends with Benefits"?

And beyond. Hope this hotlinked image URL will work: http://oi49.tinypic.com/2pyaow8.jpg

For most of those options I would suggest "friend" covers it. I think "This is my part-time domme" etc is probably too much information.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#54

Post by agilebyte » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:43 PM UTC

michaelfeathers wrote: post #35

agilebyte wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And beyond. Hope this hotlinked image URL will work: http://oi49.tinypic.com/2pyaow8.jpg

I consider myself decently smart, but I can't figure out the axes on that chart.

Take the test: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-polygon-test

From the description:

This test will track three variables, but you may be surprised at what they are.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#55

Post by gadders » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:44 PM UTC

michaelfeathers wrote: post #35

agilebyte wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And beyond. Hope this hotlinked image URL will work: http://oi49.tinypic.com/2pyaow8.jpg

I consider myself decently smart, but I can't figure out the axes on that chart.

"...but I'm willing to learn."

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#56

Post by InclinedPlane » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:45 PM UTC

It's so easy to compromise, or cover up. I see it all the time in software dev. For every dev who cares enough to pursue an issue diligently to its root cause there are a dozen other devs who are perfectly willing to patch up symptoms of deeper problems or jump to faulty conclusions without bothering to seriously understand what's going on. Everyone wants the quick fix. They want the pain (the bugs, tickets, pages, scrutiny, etc.) to stop.

And it's easy to say that something is "almost done" or "mostly done" when in reality there are huge roadblocks in the way. It's hard to tell people you're struggling with a problem, or that you don't know how to do something, or that you don't know the meaning of a word your coworker just used, or you don't understand exactly what they're saying. It's easier to avoid embarrassment in the short-term even if it makes everything harder in the long-term.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#57

Post by fallous » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:45 PM UTC

Seems to me this suffers from the lack of defining "lie", be it of omission, commission, or in the case of simply remaining silent whether one has committed any act at all.

If I say "the product is GREAT!" when I believe it to be otherwise, then I'm very obviously lying by commission and that's obviously not a good thing. I do however often cause social consternation when I don't engage in the usual "white lie" that is generally accepted as "correct" for many people. "Do these pants make me look fat?" asked by wife elicits a truthful answer, which she's used to but many who witness the exchange are not.

A lie of omission would be something on the order of "is the product ready for market?" with a response of "we've done focus groups and the response was positive" leaving out some useful information like "positive by +.1%", which would be a valuable piece of information to have for the questioner but one in which the respondent does not want to provide since it would probably negate the response.

Remaining silent seems to me often to be none of the above. CEO declares a new initiative, I may at first blush disagree but lacking any real information or thought-out objection, and also understanding that he may have more information than I and certainly a different set of responsibilities, I remain silent rather than blurt out an objection with no real argument with which to back it up. My silence in this instance is neither an endorsement nor an objection.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#58

Post by jpwagner » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:45 PM UTC

brudgers wrote: post #52

jpwagner wrote: post #24

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

The analogy is crap. One's day is brief. One's relationships, longer. One's sexuality, tends to approach permanence we age.

That's why I reference politics and religion. Choose your own analogy.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#59

Post by gadders » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:46 PM UTC

user24 wrote: post #31

gadders wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's common, but daft. It makes every relationship sound like a firm of solicitors. I don't see what's wrong with wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend.

I was in a relationship with my partner for 11 years before we got married. "Girlfriend" doesn't really do it justice.

"LOVER"

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#60

Post by PaperclipTaken » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:46 PM UTC

Jabbles wrote: post #18

Just because you shouldn't have to lie about it, doesn't make it good advice to never lie about it. There are, sadly, many places in the US (and many in the rest of the world) where expressing your true self will cause you (physical/emotional) harm. If you live in such a place, be careful.

It reminds me of the quote from Lincoln. (paraphrasing) "Just because we know which direction is true north doesn't mean we should instantly head full speed in that direction, for we risk getting stopped by impassible obstacles."

We live in a world where we are lucky to be able to be mostly open about what we believe in. But there are still situations where being honest about yourself may lose you a job, or a customer, even with something like being gay.

But what if your true belief pushes in a stronger direction against society and/or the government? "I believe in pirating tools that I cannot afford." "I believe that the age of consent should be 13." "I believe that the US should have a nearly nonexistent military." "I believe that all forms of non-consensual advertising (billboards, web ads, tv ads, intentional product placement) should be illegal."

These things may not come up as much as being gay, but when they do I find that speaking too quickly or even going more than a little against the grain can lose you a lot of friends. Most people won't take the time to hear you out. As soon as they know what you believe, you are judged.

Our society places a lot of pressure on others to accept homosexuality. When you explain your orientation to someone who may judge you for it, they must be careful about responding because the rest of society is likely to judge them in return. Such pressures don't exist for many of my core beliefs.