Never Lie About Who You Really Are • Hacker News Board

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#41

Post by Ntrails » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:37 PM UTC

gadders wrote: post #15

michaelfeathers wrote: post #10

In the UK I've run into people who use the term `partner' for whomever they are in a non-married exclusive relationship with, regardless of whether they are gay or straight. I don't know how common that is, or how it got started. I wonder whether it will ever catch on in the US?

It's common, but daft. It makes every relationship sound like a firm of solicitors. I don't see what's wrong with wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend.

Del Boy knew the solution to all of this...

"My significant other"

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#42

Post by jpwagner » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:37 PM UTC

danabramov wrote: post #39

jpwagner wrote: post #24

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

If I were gay, and if I came out once, I wouldn't feel comfortable inventing a wife for the sake of a conversation with a cab driver, every single time.

If I'm having a bad day and a stranger asks "how's your day," I don't invent a good day.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#43

Post by AnthonyJoseph » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:37 PM UTC

Jabbles wrote: post #18

Just because you shouldn't have to lie about it, doesn't make it good advice to never lie about it. There are, sadly, many places in the US (and many in the rest of the world) where expressing your true self will cause you (physical/emotional) harm. If you live in such a place, be careful.

Be careful. Sound advice in any situation. But, most things I have found that are the right thing to do cause physical/emotional harm, at least in the short term.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#44

Post by danabramov » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:38 PM UTC

noja wrote: post #4

EliRivers wrote: post #3

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's as old-fashioned as a first kiss. It happens every day to a million different people.

My question was why do gay people need to "come out", why does that make sense in 2013?

Well, at the very least their parents don't know. And it's not like all parents accept this easily.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#45

Post by InclinedPlane » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:38 PM UTC

noja wrote: post #4

EliRivers wrote: post #3

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's as old-fashioned as a first kiss. It happens every day to a million different people.

My question was why do gay people need to "come out", why does that make sense in 2013?

Really? Look at a map of US states, wait, here's one: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Samesex_marriage_in_USA.sv...

Gay marriage is legal in only a few states. At the federal level it is explicitly excluded from the "full faith and credit" clause of the constitution. And in most states it is expressly illegal. More so, in some states homosexual acts are technically illegal and in theory punishable by jail time. There are a lot of folks who are extremely anti-gay. Who are publicly against not just gay marriage but the "gay lifestyle" and the very existence and/or acceptance of homosexuality. Not to mention friends and family members. According to statistics, as a gay man or woman you'd have roughly the same chance as a coin flip for each one of your friends or family on whether or not they would accept your homosexuality and consider it "morally acceptable". Those aren't the best odds.

So yes, it's still kind of a big deal.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#46

Post by brudgers » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:39 PM UTC

Jabbles wrote: post #18

Just because you shouldn't have to lie about it, doesn't make it good advice to never lie about it. There are, sadly, many places in the US (and many in the rest of the world) where expressing your true self will cause you (physical/emotional) harm. If you live in such a place, be careful.

I'm not a Baptist. Or any stripe of Christian. Or Jew. Or some other checkbox on the list of tolerable beliefs. I live in Alabama. There's a price.

Impeded relationships. Reduced opportunity.

Yet, the emotional harm of lying about who am is significantly greater than what one person can inflict upon another. Because like truth, that harm is permanent.

People inclined to fuck up someone because they are different, don't deserve a free pass. It is their fucking up which is uncivil, not my choice to abstain from praising Jesus before eating chicken fingers at a business lunch.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#47

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:40 PM UTC

elemenohpee wrote: post #40

jpwagner wrote: post #24

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but are you straight? Not feeling compelled to tell people about your sexuality is a luxury afforded to people who fit into the norm. It's what LGBT activists would call "privilege", and it's something that we as straight/white/male/other dominant group need to be aware of if we don't wish to alienate minority groups.

[deleted]

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#48

Post by lucian1900 » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:41 PM UTC

AndrewDucker wrote: post #16

gadders wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's common, but daft. It makes every relationship sound like a firm of solicitors. I don't see what's wrong with wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend.

Many people over the age of, say, 30, feel weird about using the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", because they feel that it implies a young person.

I haven't noticed it. I know a guy well into his 50s who says "girlfriend" and she's of similar age.

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#49

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:41 PM UTC

elemenohpee wrote: post #40

jpwagner wrote: post #24

I hope I'm not insensitive, but if I'm having a bad day and my cab driver (or just about any total stranger) asks "how is your day" I am not compelled to tell him about the intricacies of being me. It's not about fighting for "the truth", it's simply practical. This is generally how to behave for all matters of sex, politics, religion, and anything else personal. Small talk is small talk.

I don't mean to be presumptuous, but are you straight? Not feeling compelled to tell people about your sexuality is a luxury afforded to people who fit into the norm. It's what LGBT activists would call "privilege", and it's something that we as straight/white/male/other dominant group need to be aware of if we don't wish to alienate minority groups.

[deleted]

Re: Never Lie About Who You Really Are

#50

Post by danabramov » Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 2:41 PM UTC

jpwagner wrote: post #42

danabramov wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If I were gay, and if I came out once, I wouldn't feel comfortable inventing a wife for the sake of a conversation with a cab driver, every single time.

If I'm having a bad day and a stranger asks "how's your day," I don't invent a good day.

Yeah but your day is not something that differs you from the most people, something that many people don't accept, something that you probably have been humiliated for. You're not a “faggot” in high school because you had a bad day. It's something you chose to accept and tell your friends and parents and see some people sneer at you.

I think that pretending to have a wife for the sake of smalltalk feels like going into the closet again, like admitting you must be guilty of something.